Living With Gusto

Living with Gusto

The Super Bowl is coming up soon, and although I'm not a regular season football fan, I am one who enjoys participating in an exciting event. And since I've never been asked to play in a Super Bowl, what I do instead is put on a Super Bowl party complete with side bets, decorations and tasty snacks in football shaped bowls. The party is for me and my sons (and anyone else who happens by) and we always have a great night whooping and hollering for our team.
We started doing this a few years ago and now, whatever the event, be it the Oscars, The Stanley Cup Playoffs, The World Cup or The Olympics, we make a great big deal about it. We do this because I truly believe that the amount of fun one has is in direct proportion to how much one 'gets into' the events around them.
I learned this at Second City Improv School when my husband and I took classes there several years ago. The beginners' class (the only one I took) consisted of a series of games designed to jam the thinking brain so that people learned to respond from a spontaneous place. Our teacher was the award winning, extremely talented, improv performer, Lisa Merchant, and no matter what game we played, Lisa participated as though that game was the most important thing in the world.
Her movements were big, her expressions were animated, and her desire to win was evident. Because she played with such gusto, each and every class exercise became an hilarious battle for victory. She showed us that when you commit to an event and really engage it with all your energy, even a modified game of tag can become a memorable and gut-splitting experience.
It's because she modelled this, that I paint my boys' faces in team colours during the Stanley Cup playoffs. Based on her example, we don't just watch the Oscars, we have a contest to predict the winners and we play Oscar bingo, gaining points for each time a winner thanks their mom or says, "I can't believe I won."
I'm trying to do for my boys what Lisa did for our class. I'm trying to show them through example, that enjoyment stems from a choice to participate, and that throwing oneself into the game can make any occasion special.
Think for a moment if you will, of a time when you fully let yourself engage, a time when you played hard at whatever you were doing. Now in contrast, recall a time when you sat on the sidelines, a time when you decided that it wasn't really worth it to participate. Which time felt most alive? Most people would say the former, even if when they played hard they got battered.
Life is only as mundane as we decide it is. When we choose to believe that a sporting event means something, or that a band is the best we've ever heard, or that a party is going to be a blast, or a season finale is important to watch, then it is. And when our lives are filled with things we deem meaningful, we are richer for it.
I hope I'm teaching my boys to engage what's going on. I hope they see that there is value in participation and in being a part of their culture's experiences. I hope that I'm raising the kind of children who would attend their generation's Woodstock, but most of all, I hope that I'm raising children who will live each moment like it matters.
Crystal
Copyright 2007, Crystal Eves

Game-Playing Girlfriend

Game-Playing Girlfriend


Hi Dr. Neder,

I read some of your articles and your advice is great. I just recently hooked up with a girl that actually picked me up at club. She really liked me a lot and for the first few weeks, I played hard to get with her. She wanted to get me settled down and kind of coerced me into a relationship. Obviously, being someone that doesn't like relationships I refused, but she tried and tried again, I finally submitted and became her boyfriend.

I truly believe, that once you're involved in a relationship the mind games stop and so I've been true to this girl and I treat her with respect and have even opened up to her. Things were good for sometime. Obviously, I began really liking her, became very nice to her and I expressed my true feelings to her, I showed her lots of affection, and I even told her I loved her. That was a BIG MISTAKE! Now, the tables have turned on me and she controls the relationship, she only calls me after I've called her, and is playing hard to get, she doesn't express herself to me, she cancels on dates and prefers staying at home.

Obviously, I care for her and I miss her, and I thought by expressing those feelings she would be friendlier, and because she is a good girl, she does become nicer the next day a few days later, it's back to her neglectful self. I think she's taken me for granted. How do I turn the table on her and assume control of the relationship. Mind you, I like her a lot now.

Thanks, any help would be appreciated.

Hello!

I'm afraid you believe wrong. When the relationship begins, that's also when the mind-games escalate!

Early relationships are all about posturing and trying to determine exactly where each person fits. We guys aren't as strong or adamant about this, but trust me, women are!

What you're experiencing are classic symptoms of having failed "The Test". This is something that I talk about in my books, but every relationship goes through it - usually early on. As you're experiencing now, you'd better pass The Test or you've got some problems.

Obviously, I can't say what The Test was in your particular case, but if you step back and really think about this there was one pivital point at which things changed - or began to change. That was The Test. Further, it was likely not due to anything in particular and probably was "out of the blue". This is how The Test works.

What's critical now is that you do some damage control. If you don't, she's going to get very bored with you and the relationship and move on. In fact, these symptoms are signs of that already happening.

You need to pull WAY back! Stop "chasing" her. She was most happy when she was chasing you - remember? That's where she wants to be again. Now that she has you and you're gushing your feelings all over her, she feels like she's made a mistake. Women gush their feelings - not men. She probably wants to date a man again.

I suggest you stop contacting her entirely - no phone calls, stop by's, IM's, email - nothing. Get scarce for a while. When she calls you (finally!) don't pick up the phone. Give her a few days before you return the call. In short, she needs to get the feeling that she's losing you - not the other way around.

Then, when she wants to get together, be reluctant! Make HER the focus of the problem. Don't take it on yourself or apologize that things haven't been what you wanted them to be, etc. Say something like, "Well, I'm not sure you're the girl I thought you were" (she's not - right?)

By changing the focus, you're going to change the power. You're also going to change her image of you and the relationship.

Let's face it - the person that wants the relationship least (or SEEMS to want it least) is in control. That needs to be you in order to save this one.

I suggest you go to my website and learn about "The Test". Once you get this situation handled, you need to know that you're going to be Tested again - and this one, you're going to have to pass.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Don't Be the Friend

Why "Working it From the Inside" Doesn't Work


One of the most common questions I get comes from guys starts off with

"I have this woman friend. We've been close friends for over a year now, but she has a boyfriend."

Sound familiar?

This is something I call trying to "work it from the inside". In effect, these guys figure that if they can just hang in there long enough, eventually the girl will see what a great guy he is, will fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take the risk of rejection or getting hurt.

This never works!

Oh sure, you're a great guy with most of your own teeth, but let me assure you; this flies right in the face of exactly what women want from us guys. Once you become the "friend" you'll never be anything else; and women are happy to let you make that choice! Let me explain why this is so and more important, why you want to avoid it at all costs. Well end the discussion with how to prevent it.

First off, women recognize and understand this behavior. They see it as weak and cowardly (although, they'd never tell you this - after all, you're her "friend"!) Women want to be with men that will take at least small risks - and win. If you won't do this even for the chance to be with a great girl, you're not the kind of guy they seek.

Women want men that can stand up and be men! They want guys that can say, "You need to dump your boyfriend and start dating me." Of course, then you need a reason why. If you're hanging in there waiting for her to dump him, it's not going to be for you. Worse yet, if you're hanging in there waiting for the boyfriend to dump her, she may come and cry on your shoulder, but she's never going to warm your bed.

A woman looks at male friends very differently from potential boyfriends. Have you ever heard a woman say, "I just don't see you like that", or "I don't feel that way about you" or "You are more like my brother"? These are all "womanese" for "You don't make me feel feminine."

There's another reason why women are motivated to let you stay as a friend. I call this the "empty restaurant" syndrome.

Imagine you're walking around town and find that you're hungry. You see two restaurants in front of you. One is full of customers and the other it totally empty. Which one do you choose for dinner? Easy: the full restaurant. After all, these people must know something to choose that restaurant over the other one.

Women believe this is true too! How many women have you met that have "boyfriends"? Most of them, right? Trust me, that doesn't mean that they're seeing only one guy that they are in love with an plan to marry. In fact, many of these "boyfriends" are simply clueless guys that are hanging in there for their chance to hook up with her! This way, she can claim that there are ".guys all over that want to be with her." Women believe this makes them more desirable! She's hoping that a strong, confident guy will come along, tell her to dump you (believing that you're her boyfriend) and "win" her by sweeping her off her feet. Do you see how this works?

Once you make it to the "friend zone" you'll never get out of it. I'm not going to get into this point too deeply, but if you doubt this, please see my FAQ's for much more on what you have to do if you find yourself there already.

So, how do you avoid being this poor, clueless jerk? Simple: have a plan, go after what you want and don't settle for less. If she tells you she's not ready for a relationship, continues to cancel dates, starts talking about seeing her ex-boyfriend again, etc., get scarce. Better yet, go start dating someone else for now. When she gets the idea that you're not going to play this game with her, she'll be much more open to letting you take things somewhere.

You can also avoid this by telling a woman specifically that you're not her "friend" and you never will be. "But Doc, won't this push her away?" Nope - not if she's really interested in you! In fact, it will do just the opposite - it will attract her because you're proving that you have other plans for her and you. She's either down with your plans or she out. It's that simple.

This doesn't even mean that you can't have female friends. You can, just be sure that they are really women you just want as friends. Don't become the friend in hopes that a woman will do your work for you and you'll have a girlfriend. She never will - nor will you.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

The Test

You Better Know How to Handle "The Test"!


Hey Doc!

I met this girl a couple of months ago and we started to hang out. At first she said she only wanted to be friends when I made a move so I just blew it off but she continued to call me all the time wanting to see me.

One night we went out, and she kept on flirting with me and getting mad when I would check out other girls, by the way this whole time I would go from being a nice guy to being something of a jerk, and before the night was over, we were making out. I never really asked her out or anything, but she made it seem as if we were together. She would always call me and tell me that I better be "only hers".

I left for two and a half weeks on vacation and when I got back I called her and she said that things had happened since I left and that she had gone back to her ex-boyfriend. I said, "Well, ok, but what about us?" She tried to make some lame excuse that I never talked to her about starting a serious relationship with her so she didn't think I wanted one. I just said "whatever" and ended the phone call.

This seems to happen to me a lot. The girl seems really into me and then in about 2-3 weeks she wants to break up! At first, I was being too needy by always calling them and bugging them, but the last couple of times I've completely changed my approach by acting like I didn't really care if they called or not.

To make matters worse, my last few girlfriends call me to check up and tell me they still think about me and miss me every three-four months. They call and say they were just thinking of me and wanted to hear my voice. Why is it that they don't want to be with me but then don't really want to let me go either?

Hello!

Welcome to a little thing I call "The Test".

Many years ago when I first began my research into all of this, I began noticing a pattern. This pattern happened in every relationship I ever had (and still have!) and with every guy, in every relationship they had too! It was a very odd situation (always different of course) where the woman they were seeing would pull something totally unexplainable and out of the blue, just like your situation.

I began to realize what this was, and why women do this.

First, women aren't going to get you to be the guy they want in the relationship through brute force. Thus, they've had to "evolve" a series of tools to make this happen. The most important one is what I call, "The Test".

The Test happens in EVERY SINGLE relationship, usually early-on within the first month or two. It's ultimately a way for women to determine who is going to be the person steering the ship; so to speak. By the way - it'd had better be you!

You see, women understand that someone has to be the man in the relationship. If you're not going to be him, then she has to be. That means that she doesn't get the chance to be the woman. By being the leader of the relationship, you actually make a woman feel "safe" and "feminine".

By not being him, she'll either do one of two things:

1) Continue to Test you; or,
2) Reluctantly become the relationship leader

Most women will eventually move on after a while of either of these things. Here's an interesting thing however: this behavior is so ingrained in women, most of them don't even know that they do it!

So, what exactly is The Test? It can take any number of forms and you've seen some of them already. In general, you'll know The Test by the following:

1) It's totally out of the blue and unexpected.
2) It can happen at any time - like just getting back from vacation, getting ready to walk into a movie or when you come home from work or schoool.
3) It always has an emergency component to it - the relationship will seem to live or die based on your response.
4) How you deal with The Test will be the deciding factor.

The Test is never about the particular issue she brings up however! It's always about control. For instance, some women will wait until you're about to fall asleep or watch some favorite program and will then ask, "Honey, where is our relationship going?" Other times, she will be very close, loving, caring and happy and then will turn instantly (like your vacation example).

The way you handle The Test is always the same. You first recognize it for what it is - just a Test - nothing more. Then, you see that this is about control, so you put aside the supposed "issue" and deal with the relationship itself. The point however is to be active and involved - not nonchalant about it.

By being nonchallant about things, you are actually inciting The Test. If you just pull back and say "whatever", she has to Test you in order to see if you're serious! On the other hand, if you deal with it head-on, she'll know you're serious and won't Test you again unless she thinks otherwise. This is actually a response to feeling insecure about the relationship!

In your example, you didn't bother to "define" things when they got started and actually left that to her. That's why you got Tested. With your ex-girlfriends, they would like you to be the guy that can pass their Tests too and that's why they keep calling.

With this last situation, you should just say, "You know, I'm not interested in being your friend - I already have enough friends. If you want something more then just say so or stop calling me." Notice how this sets the tone for a relationship? Doing nothing or being too casual creates nothing and gives her nowhere to go.

You can't avoid Tests - even relationship has them. You can become an expert at passing them however. Just learn to recognize The Test; set your path through it and run that path by being active and involved. If you do this every time, you'll find that soon, you get no more Tests - and very happy girlfriends!

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.