Saturday, March 31, 2007

The Cowardice of "Taking Breaks"


The Cowardice of "Taking Breaks"



Hey Doc!

I've been going out with this girl for 3 months now after trying to get with her for about 7. Before we got together she said she didn't want to date me because she loved me but "wasn't in love with me". She later said she was in love with me but still didn't want to let her guard down.

We finally got together and everything was going fine until last night. She dropped a bombshell when she said she needs a week break to find out how she truly feels. I feel betrayed by this and angry but I still love her. She says that in a week she hopes she comes back to me saying that she misses me and wants me back and I hope that it happens like that too.

Am I placing false hope in thinking there is a happy ending in here or could it be just that she needs this space as everything is coming at once? How can I make her fall in love with me while she thinks things through without taking away her space?

Hello!

If you're content to let her lead everything here, then, yes, you're placing false hopes in the outcome. She's on the exit-plan on you're holding the door for her!

People, (or, as I like to call them: "cowards") are misusing this "break" thing within relationships to protect themselves and harm others. I hope that everyone that reads this learns how to handle the "break" properly; whether you're the one that's asking for it, or that's having it inflicted upon you!

A "break" is a very specific thing. It has very clear rules, goals and a timeframe. It is used exceedingly rarely and only with the mutual agreement of both parties. No one person in a relationship can call for a break! She gave you the timeframe (which frankly, few people do), but everything else is left up in the air.

That's not a "break", it's a "staged break up".

Let me ask you: would you cut a dog's tail off piece by piece? Of course not, that would be cruel! You'd do it all at once and get it over with. It's just as cruel to break up with someone in stages, but that's exactly what cowards do. First, they take breaks. Then, they stop answering the phone or returning email or voice mail. Then, they just let the other person find out that they're dating someone else. I have no respect for anyone of any gender that does this - and neither should you.

Do you know what else cowards do? They let someone abuse them with these so called "breaks" because they are afraid to stand up for themselves and make things happen in their relationships. They are afraid of losing someone so they tip-toe around everything and suffer alone, by themselves instead of standing up and taking the wheel to craft a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

In any relationship you're going to be in, you're the man (right?) That means that you have both certain responsibilities AND certain rights. Regardless of what the feminists would have you believe, we are not all absolutely alike (well, at least they want you to believe that until it works to their political advantage to be different - see my latest "Hate Mail" article on my website for an example of this!)

As the man, it's YOUR job to control the relationship and give it a direction. You need to get that picture firmly implanted in your brain. As soon as you start doing this, you're going to stop being a victim of women that already know this fact.

When she said that she wanted to take a one-week break, your response should have been, "Absolutely not. Either we're in this together and we're going to work out our problems as the team that we are, or you're going to walk out that door right now, realizing that you're not welcome back. The choice is yours, but make it right now - not in one week!"

Do you think she would have reacted differently if you'd said this to her? I'll bet she would have! More important, you'd have a totally different relationship right now and wouldn't have even written to me. Now all you can do is hope that she "gets the religion" of your relationship and comes back to do what you should have done in the first place.

I'm being a little hard on you, but let's face it - you didn't handle this very well and with some minor backbone, you can turn any relationship problem into an advantage where you grow together - not apart. But that, my brother, is YOUR job as the man in this - or any relationship.

Let's talk for a moment about your next step. Unfortunately, it's not as strong as you could have had in the beginning, but your next step should be to NOT give her space. You need to contact right away and tell her that you're not going to play this game with her. Either she's in or she's out - there are no gray areas here.

If she's in, she's going to benefit by having the support of her team to get through everything. If she's out, she's on her own, but SHE TOO has responsibilities here - it's not just you!

Once she makes her decision, your stress is all gone. If she decides that she's out, then so be it. Take it away from her and let her experience that on her own. You get to see things with a new, clear eye. At the absolute worst, you walk away with your head high and get to look for someone that recognizes quality. Just because her tastes are something far less shouldn't affect you in any way - that's her problem, not yours!

However, if you approach her with this sort of strength, I'll bet she's going to change her attitude 100%. Why? Because she's not going to want to lose the benefit of the strength that you'll have shown her. If she needs support, you're proving to her that you're the guy that'll give it to her in this one simple step!

The choice is yours, but regardless your responsibilities in a relationship don't change; only attitudes and understanding do.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How to Not Impress Women With Gifts


How to NOT Impress Women With Gifts


Hi Doc!

This girl I know casually through work invited me to a party. I am going to give her a nice perfume that costs about $100. Is that a good idea? She also said there will be lots of girls there. How do I start a conversation with a girl in a party and get her phone number? This is a big opportunity for me - please help!

Hello!

DO NOT give her that gift!!!!

Why would you give someone something so huge to someone you barely know? You're not going to impress her at all - you're going to make her feel creepy!

What are you trying to do here exactly? Are you trying to buy her interests in you? Do you really believe that if you spend this much money on her that she's going to feel obligated to go out with you? Trust me on this one: she may thank you, but she's never going to invite you to any more parties! Nor is any girl there going to think you're some hero because you did this. It's just creepy!

Instead, come up with a nice, simple gift and maybe a card that says that you are happy to celebrate her birthday. Keep it simple! If you come up with something thoughtful that costs around $25, you're going to really come off as clever; especially if it somehow relates to how you know her.

What you're asking me is a very large, involved question! I given entire seminars and have books, CD's and DVD's that go into the approach, pick-up and close! It's not something I can give you in just one - or 100 emails!

However, I'll give you this: when you see a girl you're interested in, go up to her and ask her how she knows the girl that's having the birthday. Are they friends or family? Have they known each other for a long time? What does she do for a living? Where is she from?, etc. Get to know the girl - don't talk about yourself other than when she asks you questions.

Plan to spend no more than 10 minutes with any one girl, and at the end, just say, "Hey, it was nice to talk to you. Let's do this again some time. Here, write down your phone number and we'll get together." Then, just hand her a blank piece of paper and a pen. DO NOT hand her a page with someone else's phone number on it! Then, when she writes down her digits, make sure you get her name on it, then, excuse yourself and go meet someone else.

In the meantime, be sure to write down information you learned about the girl on the page along with her number. That way, you'll remember it when you call her later.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

10 - Steps to Constructive Arguing


10-Steps To Constructive Arguing


Hi Doc!

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I am planning to marry her in 5 years. She fulfills every criterion as my soul mate except one point: sometimes when she is under pressure even the slightest thing can set her off. She goes to the extreme saying hurtful things. She can't take even the slightest pressure in her life and then start to say harsh things like, "You NEVER understand how I felt!"

When I try to talk things out with her and most of the time I am willing to listen and try to calm her down but she just disagrees rather than trying to listen to what I suggest. She doesn't have a mental problem but she cannot take things rationally and things start to get out of hand.

I'm normally a very calm person but I can't deal with her need to take everything to the extreme. Whenever we finish arguing and begin to talk things over everything calms down. I want to stop this problem permanently and I hope that you can give me some help.

Hello!

I fully understand what you're staying here. This is one of the most frustrating things us guys have to deal with in relationships with women.

It might help to understand that women are often bundles of conflicting emotions. We guys tend to get these emotions under control and often are able to think through them logically without just reacting. Many women have difficulty in doing this - especially when things get heated. So, they tend to just react rather than take a deep breath and be careful with what they say and do.

Relationships are delicate things and it's entirely possible that a single overreaction can tear them apart. It's for this reason that women really HAVE to learn to control these emotional outbursts and to not overreact.

It's common for women to use huge emotional words like "NEVER" and "ALWAYS" when they are angry. In fact, you might have made a mistake (just as we all do), but it's not that you "NEVER" treat her with respect, or that you "ALWAYS" yell at her. At that moment she can't think of anything else and rather than trying to calm down and direct her emotions towards something that's healthy, she just blurts it out. Once something is said, you can't un-say it and the damage is done.

For these reasons, couples need to learn how to argue with each other. When you get angry or hurt is NOT the time to figure this out! Thus, you have to do it when you're both in a calm, loving spirit. Here are my basic rules of engagement:

1) Never fight when you're angry. If possible, agree that you'll go off and let the biggest emotional elements calm down before you talk about the problem.

2) Never fight when you're tired. I know you've heard the stupid advice, "Don't go to bed angry", but in fact, when you're tired, you're not going to give this the best effort. Further, some sleep will often help to put things in perspective.

3) When you argue or fight, always realize that you're doing this together as a team in order to improve aspects of the relationship - not to harm the other person. We all want revenge, but revenge has no place in relationships!

4) Make sure you have enough time to sit down and really deal with the problems. Decide CLEARLY AND SPECIFICALLY what the issue is! Then, deal ONLY WITH THAT ISSUE!!! NO bringing in other past problems and no creating new ones. You're there to ONLY deal with the one issue.

5) Further, it's usually only one person that is hurt or angry at the actions of the other. If you or your girlfriend are the one that is upset, you MUST NOT bring in any other issue right now. Agree that you'll deal with other issues later, but for now, you're going to talk about just this one thing.

6) When you talk - use "committee courtesy". That means, that one person gets to talk until they are finished. Even if they take long pauses between thoughts, they still have the "floor" until they give it up. The other person can take notes of they want to and address everything that is said, but the speak MUST STAY ON TOPIC. They cannot bring in other elements other than the one at hand.

7) When the speaker is talking about the problem, they can only use words like "I feel" and "I believe" or "I want". They can NEVER say "You did" or "You are" or "You act", etc. They have to deal only with personal feelings.

8) When a person is NOT speaking, they must be listening! By "listening", I mean "active listening". That is when you can take what the other person says and paraphrase it with the same meaning, but in your own words. In fact, it's a good idea to do this often. You might first ask if you can restate the issue and then do it in another way, asking if your understanding is correct.

9) If things get emotionally charged, either partner can ask for a "break". This is a 10-minute cooling-off period, where you get a drink or a snack and come back to it afterward.

10) Finally, always remember: this is all about growing the relationship, not getting revenge or trying to make up for hurts. Everyone is inconsiderate some times. Everyone has missed expectations some times. This is normal in relationships. It's how you deal with them that's important.

There are 10 rules of "fair and constructive fighting" in relationships. Sit down with your girlfriend and agree together that you'll use them to build, not tear down your relationship, and you'll make it to your 5-year goal - and beyond.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Meeting on a Matrimonial Website


Air-Sick Bag, Please!


Doc:

I met a young lady on a matrimonial website and we hit it off very well. She had a prior relationship 3 years ago that she ended and admits to feeling guilty about as she sorta "strung the guy along" and did not verbalize her concerns regarding their relationship that she felt wasn't everything she wanted.

This young lady suggested to me that we need to meet in the early stages to assess if we should move forward with the relationship. I agreed and visited her last week after a month and a half of communicating and we had a great time...very relaxed, fun and open. We kissed and to describe the intensity of the passion, our tongues were on fire. She later told me that she felt something was missing and she wasn't feeling something but still wanted to give it a try with me. She wanted things to "flow freely without defining anything".

I understand that she is in final semester of grad school and has a lot going on in her life...I am just wondering what she is feeling and what I should do.

I like this girl and I feel there is a lot of healthy and mature potential but am I wasting my time here?

Hello!

Arrrggghhhh!!!! What the hell??? A "matrimonial website"???? Pardon me just a minute while I pull out my air-sick bag. Please enjoy some soothing music...

"Dum da-dee-da-dum-dum-da-dee-da...the girl from Ipanema goes walking..."

Ok...that's better.

==WARNING: STERN LECTURE TO FOLLOW==

Please. What's going on here? Is being married your goal or finding someone that is a good, healthy partner your goal? Believe me, they are mutually exclusive!

Well...let me tell you what HER goal is: to get married. All of this "flow freely" and "something was missing" crap is all misdirection.

She's looking for someone to take care of her. Ok, fine. You're a terrific guy with most of your own teeth, but really - how can she (or YOU for that matter) even THINK about marriage? She doesn't know you at all other than superficially! How can she even know if you're missing qualities or not from a few minutes of tongue wrestling?

You need to consider the RELATIONSHIP, NOT THE FORMAT OF IT. Get it? MARRIAGE = FORMAT, NOT RELATIONSHIP. So does casually dating, living together, formally dating because your dogs are buddies, etc.

This is about the QUALITY of the relationship - NOT HOW THE RELATIONSHIP WILL EXIST SOME DAY. She's way down the road and doesn't really give a rats-ass about the person - other than her superficial view of him. She's focused on the MARRIAGE, along with all the bridesmaid's dresses, flowers, gifts, Champaign, etc.

Is that really what YOU want too? Doesn't it matter whom that person really is deep-down inside? Having a goal to be married some day if FAR different from actually trying to find a bride. The former one assumes that you've built a relationship WORTHY of a marriage and the latter, doesn't care - it's about the wedding and nothing much more.

Ok, now that's off my chest, let's continue...

In that little diatribe lies your answer. She has this nebulous idea of what she needs in order to feel safe in a MARRIAGE. Big deal! What about feeling safe in the relationship itself? That's the hard work - trust me! She's already told you that you don't have whatever it is that she thinks she needs. What happens if she just "settles" and you actually marry her anyway? Answer: likely, very, very bad things.

You wrote to me for my advice, and here it is: find someone that wants a great, healthy relationship - format not important. When you find her, build said relationship because it fits you both very well, and you BOTH are stronger and even better people because of it.

Then, when you're convinced of this, propose to her and see if she agrees with the format change.

DO NOT go looking for the format in hopes to get the relationship - it doesn't work that way.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Should I Get Married?


Should I Get Married?


Dear Dennis:

I have been with person for 5 years. We're both 25. We've been engaged and living together for 2 years. He is very sweet, and kind, and treats me very well. We are very comfortable together, and I love him like a member of my family. He is always there for me when I need it.

However, sometimes I still feel like there is something missing. You know how there are some friends that you can talk to for hours and hours? We have never had that. The conversations we have are rarely very deep or meaningful, or frankly, even very interesting. We always have a pleasant time together, chit chatting, or watching TV, or what not, but still, I wonder if I want something more. If we had once had that "soul mate connection" at the beginning, then I would think that perhaps these things fade with time, but it was never like that, not even at the beginning.

Also, he is a different religion. I am willing to compromise about any kids, etc. in this area, but I would prefer not to have to.

Also, recently, I have been having strong attractions to other men. It started two years ago. At first I thought it was just the distance (we were long distance for two years), so I arranged to move to where he lives. Then a year ago it started to happen again. I was going through a very stressful time at work, so I thought perhaps that was the reason. But now everything's fine and it's happening again. I have never been a "boy crazy" person, not even when I was in high school. I have of course, not even considered cheating on him. However, just feeling this way makes me feel awkward. It doesn't seem normal.

I'm wondering, is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with this relationship? I doubt I will ever find someone who loves me as much, and who is as sweet and loyal. Is this just cold feet or "the grass is always greener" mentality or is this really a sign that he's not the one?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hello!

What on the surface seems like a simple question but actually very complicated. I'm going try to cover this in depth, so please bear with me.

1. Relationship phases

First of all, it's perfectly normal for couples to get "comfortable" with each other and have less to talk about over time. There are 3 phases that all relationships eventually get to if they survive long enough:

1) Excitement phase - this is when you first meet and you're all tingly to be together. Many people mistakenly believe this is "love" and constantly seek it out. When the excitement phase begins to wane, they think they're also falling out of love and start the exit plan.

2) Bonding phase - this is where you've been together for a while and still look forward to being together, but the excitement you first had is gone. You now have a steady, predictable relationship.

3) Familiar phase - many experts believe that this is when real "love" happens - it's after you've been together for some time and you revert back to focusing on your personal needs rather than the needs of the relationship itself. You do this because you're "bonded together" and the relationship is very strong; no longer needing the care it once did to survive.

2) Long-Distance Relationships

Now, you claim that you've been together for "5 years", but I counter - no, you haven't. You've been together for 3 years since 2 of those were long-distance. That's a very different type of relationship; and while it seems "real", in fact, it's not. It's also why you began to start "looking around".

My concern however is that your original relationship is based on false ideas about each other. I'm not trying to raise issues that don't exist here - I'm just trying to give you perspective. Being long-distance means that you are missing a TON of cues that you'd otherwise have in order to build impressions of each other. Guess what your creative, powerful mind does when it lacks these cues? It fills them in for you! These are based on your own perceptions, beliefs, goals, desires, etc. - NOT reality. Thus, at least some of your original attraction is also based on this false information. That doesn't mean the attractive itself is false - in fact, it's entirely real - and feels that way. However, as you've gotten to know him over these years, much of that has changed and this is a good time to reevaluate your on-going attraction BEFORE you jump into a marriage.

3. Interest in Others

It's absolutely normal to find others "attractive" and "interesting" even when you're committed to someone. When you enter into a relationship and "commit", you have to accept that others will be attractive to you. A commitment isn't a promise to not be attracted to others - it's a promise to build the core relationship itself and to not be distracted by these other interests. You've done that and apparently, so has he.

4) Longing for - and continuing that "spark"

When I get letters from long-term couples that complain about their 3rd-phase ("familiar") experiences I recommend that they get a "couples hobby" together. This is something totally different and apart from what their current patterns together. For instance, you might be interested in something and your boyfriend in something else. I suggest you continue to pursue those interests, but to find something you both can do together as a couple that is totally and completely different.

There is an almost unlimited number of new things you can try: everything from scuba diving to sky diving, horseback riding to hiking, biking to book clubs, fine dining to wine tasting - and everything in between.

What's cool about doing this is that you instantly get some new material to talk about! You both can experience something new together as a couple and continue to grow together - just as you're now doing individually! This not only helps to re-energize your relationship, but will help you to bond even more.

In your case, this might be a critical move!

Consider that if you both can't find something totally and completely new that you're both interested in, you may not have a foundation to be married! Eventually, this feeling of non-connection will begin to eat away at you - and your relationship - until you feel trapped in your marriage rather than enriched by it. Eventually, one or both of you may seek to end it.

There's one more aspect you need to understand about all of this.

5) Communication "types"

Your specific comment about not being able to "talk for hours and hours" leads me to believe that you're what is known as an "auditory". In other words, you experience your world - including your relationships - via words and sounds. That's neither good nor bad - it just "is".

It's also likely that your boyfriend is a different "type". For instance, he may be a "visual" that experiences his world (and relationship) via visual cues or he may be a "kinesthetic" that experiences things mostly through feelings.

These differences don't spell an end to your relationship at all. Instead, they give you a new realm to explore. If you knew what your boyfriend needed in order to see, hear or feel love, you'd certainly want to do that, right? I bet he would too. However, I'll also bet you've never considered that you and he might be different types before.

I tell you this not because it's a specific key to your issue, but that it's likely one of the areas in which your relationship needs to grow. By learning more about how your boyfriend perceives his world - including his relationship with you - and by teaching him your experiences, you both are gaining valuable tools to make your relationship - and a marriage - work.

6) Finally.

So, this comes down to the simple question: should you get married or not?

The answer is: if you can reconcile thing points that I've made in this letter to your experiences - and actually work through them and so can he, then yes, you should get married. If you can't or at least aren't able to find compromise positions on them, then I'd suggest you just stay living together until you can or until you decide to move on to find someone with whom you can.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.