The Rules of Fidelity

Doctor Neder:

I am in a serious relationship of almost a year. We have one major problem that continues to come up. When we were first dating, we'd been out maybe a dozen times and slept together maybe 6 times, had no conversations about being exclusive and at a party I was intimate with another man. This was a one-time occurrence and my boyfriend and I continued to date and it evolved into the relationship we now enjoy.

About 6 months ago I casually mentioned this other encounter, not realizing what a big deal it would become. My boyfriend was devastated and could not believe that I would have sex with someone else while we were dating even though it was very early on and no talk of exclusivity was ever had at that point. He does not necessarily feel I cheated on him because we had never discussed it but he does feel it was morally wrong and feels very strongly that most people who are dating someone and have slept with them would wait until that relationship either tanks or progresses before being involved with anyone else. I have to mention also that my boyfriend was the first man I had slept with other than my ex husband in about 18 years and I had told him that and when he found out that I subsequently slept with this other person he found that to be very upsetting.

I did not realize until after I told him about this other incident how important it was to him to feel like he was the only other man I had slept with other than my husband (he does know I had a few partners prior to marriage but that was so long ago it does not bother him.) He feels that if I either admit to it being morally wrong (having sex with some one else while we were dating even though we did not have strong, exclusive feelings yet) or if he gets enough feed back from outside sources saying that what I did is not outside the norm or morally wrong, he will be able to move past this.

I have apologized to him repeatedly for hurting him and I understand because of his family background and religious background that this is a big deal to him, but I can't honestly say that I feel that what I did was wrong or even unusual. He thinks that normal, ethical people do not have more than one sex partner at a time and I think it happens all the time, right or wrong to all kinds of people, not just low life, slutty people. Please give your opinion and I will let him know.


Hello!

Boy, are you going to hate AND love my answer! Let's start with the hate-side first, shall we?

So, you want a pass on a technicality? Just because nobody said the words "exclusive" that makes it ok? Honestly Tracy, I think that's a pretty liberal use of that rule! Words; in fact, mean nothing. It's actions and expectations that mean everything! Consider if the tables were turned. Men are under pressure to; and have an instant expectation of acting with, "honor" as that is our roll in life. What about you? Do you think your actions were honorable? Were they respectful to your boyfriend or to your budding relationship?

Ok, I know you wrote to me because you want me to tell your boyfriend that he's wrong. In fact, you BOTH are wrong here. If you want an easy rule to remember and live by, here it is: choose actions that result in the highest and best benefit possible to those you care about. If your actions don't provide this benefit, then accept that they're wrong. Don't try to live by technicalities.

Now, let's talk about one more mistake you've made here (don't worry, I'll get to your boyfriend too - I just hope you show him the ENTIRE letter - not just the part dealing with him!)

When you make this sort of mistake - even if you realize it was wrong - you have to go back to the rule again. Do you think that telling him was to his "highest and best benefit"? Sure, you want to be totally open and honest in your relationship, but let me let you in on a little secret: that's impossible.

Such a relationship is NOT healthy or practicable. That doesn't give you a pass to lie at every turn, but there are some good lies. Lying isn't "honorable", but it is an ingrained part of our language systems. In fact, everyone lies and some of those lies help to preserve other's feelings. If you had never told him about this event (what is known as "lying through omission") things would be very different now.

Telling someone something like this only serves to hurt that other person and worse yet, it never alleviates your own guilt. If you can't live with that, then don't do it in the first place. More important, don't cause even greater harm to someone you care even if the goal is grand and lofty. You owe that person something much more.

When someone cheats in a relationship (even if it TECHNICALLY isn't cheating) BOTH people are responsible. My questions to him would include, "Well, if you felt you were in an exclusive relationship, why the hell weren't you at the party with your girlfriend?" and (to you) "What else was going on in your relationship that made you feel you could do this?", etc. In other words, while it sometimes feels really good to believe otherwise, there are no individual victims when someone cheats - everyone is culpable.

Ok, now, let's get to your boyfriend.

"Family background" and "religious background" are not reasonable foundations for ridiculous beliefs; although people use them as excuses all the time. After all, how can you argue with them?

Here's how the real world works: we all have things we don't like that happen every day. What we do is become mature enough to deal with them because doing so creates a greater good. We don't whine and pout when things don't go our way. We accept them, look for the benefits and move on. That's what your boyfriend needs to do here.

You cheating on him wasn't the end of the world - or the relationship, but if he continues to carry these ridiculous standards, THAT will be the end of the relationship. Ultimately, if he can't get over this, he should just cut his losses and move on. Before he makes that decision however, he'd better realize how very difficult it's going to be to find someone that lives up to his utopian dreams.

Then, he also needs to see his own hypocrisy! This isn't so much about how many sex partners you've had - what about your divorce? I'll bet his religion looks unfavorably on divorces too (most do!) What about him? Was he a virgin when he met you? God forbid HE actually was married before! Before he casts stones, he'd better make sure his own pond is clean.

Here's the bottom line: he needs to get over this, man up and stop sniveling about it. It's been 6 months already!! Either let it go and move on, or wallow in it alone for the rest of his sad, pathetic life. The rest of us adults have our own table to eat at.

Being regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Keeping My Boyfriend Sexually Attracted

Dr. Neder:

I read one of your articles about how to keep my boyfriend interested in me sexually. You said to try to change things up but honestly I feel like I just want to be myself because if he fell in love with who I am then why should I change just for him to show interest in me again?

He says that he would like a challenge and play hard to get sometimes and to tell him no more but, I feel like I'm playing games and I'm not exactly into it. Please try to help me figure out a way to get his interest back for me without me having to feel like I have to put on an act and be someone I'm not.

Hello!

Let me tell you a little story:

One day, this inventor created the world's greatest mousetrap. Never before had anyone ever seen anything so impressive! He was very proud of his work and just knew that he'd become a multi-millionaire because of how great his new invention was.

The problem was that nobody bought it.

If it was so great, why didn't anyone buy it? Simple: it cost $200 each and was so complicated to use that nobody could figure it out.

So, rather than change his mousetrap, he went about trying to convince everyone how great it was, but they didn't listen to him. They said nice things to placate him, but in fact, they still didn't buy his mousetrap.

Finally, as an old man at the end of his life, he was just bitter that everyone else was "stupid" and just couldn't see his vision.

..and everyone kept buying mousetraps for $1 that were "good enough".

So, why did I tell you that story? You're becoming that inventor. You're convinced that your boyfriend should just like everything about you without you having to change or grow or do anything. You shouldn't give him what he's asking for because it means you have to do some work.

So, one day, he'll dump you and go find some woman that WILL give him what he wants. Then, you'll be left bitter and unhappy, believing that he's "stupid" for not knowing what he had. Unfortunately, he'll never know what he had because all he could see (and remember) was that girlfriend that didn't want to put out any effort to be what he needed and she figured it should just be "good enough".

There is nothing in this world that is more wasteful that this sort of attitude. It's not an "act" or a put-on or anything like that to be what your boyfriend wants you to be! In fact, it's all about relationship management.

Sure, you don't want to have to be the only one that works hard to manage your relationship, but that doesn't mean it takes no work whatsoever! Every relationship takes work and you know exactly what work yours needs. You should be very happy that your boyfriend actually TOLD you what he wants - many guys (and girls!) just think you should already know and get angry when you don't!

Now, with all of that said, I'd caution you to get the REAL story from your boyfriend. Honestly, I seriously doubt that he always wants you to tell him "no". Maybe he wants that once in a great while, but trust me; no man wants to have to constantly work for his partner's affection!

This is likely his way of telling you something else. What that is, I don't specifically know. Perhaps he wants to you to take on a character that challenges him where he has to become a little more aggressive with you or something like that.

Be careful about reading in the wrong thing here - go talk to him instead! Communication is THE aphrodisiac. Get a very clear picture of what he wants and then simply become that woman. You'll never lose him if you do this, but you're actually showing him the door if you don't.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How Much Is Sex Worth?

Dear Dr. Neder:

I'm 23 years old and I met this guy (25) about 6 months ago and we really hit it off. He's absolutely perfect! We got along great and started dating and things turned physical pretty quickly. I've decided to wait until I'm married before I'll have sex but we made out and generally played around. We would see each other 2-3 times a week and always did fun things together.

Now, it has been two weeks since I heard from him! I called him and left a message and have been sending him cute little emails, but he won't respond. Do you think this is because I wouldn't have sex with him? Do you think he's met someone else? Is he mad at me?

Please help - this is killing me!

Hello!

First of all, I never learned to read minds so I can't tell you what this is all about. If everything else was "perfect" in your relationship however and he just took off and you haven't heard from him, I'll bet it's due to the sex - or lack thereof.

I'm always concerned when I hear that someone wants to wait until they get married to start learning about sex; and trust me on this one: you can not learn it from a book or from friends or TV or even from videos. Sex takes hands-on experience; and potentially, many partners and many years in order to learn all that goes into it.

Many women mistakenly believe that the "perfect guy" will come along and just unlock all their doors. I'm afraid it doesn't work this way at all. YOU have to first unlock all those doors for yourself, and that takes many years of practice. Then and only then can you teach some guy all about your own personal sexuality in order for him to know how to please you in bed. Men on the other hand have to discover a very important truth: women are far more complicated sexually than they are.

No doubt you've heard that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and while that may be true, trust me on this one: its right up there in the top 3! Let's say that you get a job but only have 2 of the 3 skills you need to do that job. Do you think you'll be employed for very long? Don't count on it! A bad relationship will stay together if the sex is really good, but if the sex is bad, even a good relationship won't survive it.

Frankly, I think that staying a virgin is a huge mistake. You're not learning the skills you need in order to keep your marriage going - and growing. Sure, you might get lucky, but even among those couples that ARE sexual and that DO learn these skills, ½ of them wind up divorced. You're just increasing those odds through your choices. Even worse; as I often tell men: a sexless courtship usually leads to a sexless marriage!

Let me try to give you some insight into how men work:

Men have a built-in "window of opportunity" when it comes to being in relationships. Like you, many men want to invest their hearts and get yours in return. So far, that seems reasonable, right?

Now, here's the kicker: very few men will invest their hearts in you if they haven't been with you physically! This isn't a conscious act however - it's pre-wired into us. We have an internal need to be "complete" with you before we'll risk our emotional sides. More important, you have limited time in order for this to happen. This is that "window" I spoke about.

Men control the relationship itself, but you (as the woman) control the sex in the relationship. That's just the way it is and nobody is particularly surprised by that fact. However, if you continue to turn him down when he asks (politely, I hope!) all you're doing is telling him that you're not going to give him what he needs in order to be with you emotionally. Worse yet, you expect your own emotional needs to be met! Do you see the disconnect here?

Eventually, that window will close and he'll move on emotionally to find someone he can be complete with. He'll likely agree to have sex with you even after all of this, but you'll never have his heart. He'll save that for someone else that isn't so focused on their own needs or that has a better, healthier attitude toward sex - and their own roll in it!

Now, here's the worst news: you don't know how long that window will be open as it's different for each guy! For some it might be just a few dates, for others it might be 6 months or even a year - you won't know!

What I suspect is that this guy's window was about 6-months long. He finally got tired of never being able to move things forward with you, and thus, simply gave up. If you went to him today and asked him about all of this, I doubt he'd be able to describe it to you as we guys generally aren't good with all this complicated emotional stuff. However, trust me that this description is pretty accurate.

The ultimate question is this: when do you know that you're "ready" to have sex with someone? That's a far more difficult question to answer and will be different for every woman. What you need to do is determine when you're ready to move things forward with someone; when you're ready to give yourself and to get from him

Sex is a natural part of a strong, healthy relationship - whatever the format (marriage, dating, living together, etc.) Sex is NOT a bargaining chip you have to get what you want however! If you try to use it that way, you'll lose every time. It's something that two people share when they have things to communicate that mere words can't convey. It's when they are ready to invest themselves intimately - but rationally - into the other person. If you never feel this way with someone, that person isn't the right one for you.

So, you need to ask yourself this: how much is virginity worth to you? How much is sex worth to you? How much is a good, solid, healthy relationship worth to you? Once you have a good handle on these things and where most men fit in them, you'll have a good understanding of what went wrong with this relationship.

Best regards.
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World tm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

I'm A Snoop

Hello -

This is questions requires some background information.

My ex-boyfriend and I just broke up about a month ago after a two-year relationship because he got into medical school 7 hours from home, and I can't move because I had accepted a really great job. We decided that long distance would just tear us apart right now since everything is so new, so a break would be good for us both. Leading up to the break was tough, because we fought really hard to stay together, but in the end we knew a break was inevitable.

When we broke up, my boyfriend told me that I am the right person, but just it's the wrong time. We're young and need to establish ourselves. I totally agree, and thought he was really telling the truth. He's never lied to me, and I never thought he would, until...

I asked a mutual friend what my ex really thought about us breaking up and he told me that my ex really did believe he could see us getting back together one day. But me, being the insecure girl, had to know FOR SURE. So, I checked my ex's email. We both know each others' passwords, and I've never had a reason to check until now. I feel awful, but I never thought I'd find anything like this...

I found multiple emails from a woman he works with. They started the day after he and I broke up. She confessed her love for him, and now he's VERY into it. Thing is, she is 30, married, and has two young children. He is 23, single and off to medical school this fall.

He's talking about wanting to be with her, and she wants to leave her husband. It's unreal. Just totally, unreal.

It's hard knowing this information when he still tries to talk to me. I told him I'd call him a week after week broke up, but I didn't. He texted me twice and emailed, asking why I haven't talked to him. I just can't when I know what's really going on.

I have no idea what's going on with him. I don't even know him anymore. Is this a coping mechanism? Rebound? I would just like your thoughts!


Hello!

Why, oh why did you snoop into your ex's email?? Don't you know: crimes of privacy are the WORST crime you can commit in any relationship? This is even worse than cheating!

In fact, you really don't know what the context of all those emails is. You don't know it from the "inside" any more than someone knows what went on in your relationship with him. Even worse, you've harmed yourself in the process - and likely damaged this relationship far beyond repair. Even if he never knows about this snooping (which I hope you have the good sense NOT to tell him about it), you still have to live with the knowledge of having done it - and your own tortured thoughts about what it all means. Jackie, he can never know about this - you're going to have to bear the burden for having been too nosy and insecure. It's not fair to unload this on him now for you being a jackass.

I don't read minds, and thus, I can't tell you what it all means. I know one thing: there is no such thing as a "rebound relationship". That's just a sound-byte that many people use to explain complicated emotional situations like yours.

I suggest that you just let this go and get healed. Let him go off to medical school and get focused on your new job. Maybe in a few years you and he can rebuild a friendship, but frankly, I doubt even this. Until you get healed however, you're always going to be burdened with this image in your own head. Unfortunately, it was self-inflicted and totally unnecessary.

The good news is that once you do get healed, you'll then be ready for a new relationship with someone else and you'll (hopefully) have learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

am 26 years old woman, married for about 3 years. I am a positive person with self-esteem and confidence in the future. I have a great CV with high education and experience. However it is not easy to find good income work in the country I live in where most good positions rely on networking. Nonetheless, I really try hard to have a career and am positive that I will succeed. I do not ask for much in life, just the usual middle-class dream: flat, family, car, holidays. I often feel guilty for wanting these mainly material things and am very worried that due to my low income will never be able to have even half.

I am married to a kind and funny man, 2 years older than me. We both come from middle-class families but different backgrounds as I am from a different country and my parents educated me in a different way. Just like my husband, I was given lots of love but in addition my parents also had expectations for me and were quite intellectual. My mum is a very strong, achieving woman who was always my role model. My husband's parents were not very worried about their son's future. They didn't push him, strive to give him independence or talk to him about his plans. His mother is a home-maker and his father had a well-paid job. They have a 30 yr old daughter that still lives with them. They are good people and they found it difficult to accept that their son, when only 25 decided to get married. They have accepted me though. Unfortunately I still haven't accepted them! I see them as small-minded people (and quite xenophobic actually) with a good heart. I wanted a bit more from my in-laws. Since I live in a very family-dependent society I cannot easily get over having them as in-laws. We don't fight but I really feel so alien, so not-my-self when with them.

My husband has a university degree without many career choices. He was neither lucky nor ambitious in his career. He thinks of work as a necessary evil, something that simply pays your bills. He has a low-income job with no prospect of advancement. However, this doesn't make him unhappy as he has more free time and can dedicate himself to other free time activities. In a way I admire him for his humbleness but on the other hand he is my husband and I do expect him to be a bit more ambitious and to plan ahead. He constantly repeats that even though things didn't work out for him, that they may work out for me and that he will always be there for me. However, I feel that this has put an additional strain on me to be the bread-winner. Now, since we live in the 21 century and I strongly believe in the power of women I feel that a modern inverted marriage like this one should be given a chance. However, I am very afraid because no matter how hard I try, my reality is that of an immigrant woman (outsider), without any contacts and that my chances of success are smaller. I feel that I am with a man I love but my pragmatic head tells me that he has no future prospects or dreams and that I will end up being unhappy. It happened to my mum, my dad turned out to be a great financial and emotional burden and she still has so many issues as a result. Both she and I are afraid it will happen to me as well.

In summary my biggest problem is that I really love a man with whom I am not sure I can share my life (in terms of practical money matters). Of course, it is much better than being alone. My chances of having the good life alone are far worse off. However, I feel that alone I would at least have no one to demand things from, no one to blame on but myself. I feel that it is not fair to expect my husband to fulfill all my pragmatic needs. He knows all the things I want from life and in response he says that although he cannot give them to me, it helps him lot and that he prefers to be nagged than to be abandoned. I really think that if I left him I would ruin his life.

I have already tried to break up but the pain for both of us was so strong that we decided to stay. I really don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you


Hello!

There are really a lot of issues at play here. Let me try to address them all:

First of all, you paint a picture of yourself as having meager expectations; somehow far less than others in your peer group, but in fact, you put a lot of emphasis on these things and I think you're not being fair to your husband or especially, your in-laws. They have chosen the path they're on and frankly I think your expectations of them are unreasonable. You really don't have the right to judge their choices nor to expect them to have your dreams or values in life. Give them a break and cherish them as part of your family rather than judging their choices. This is a good start on helping to relieve some of this tension.

What I gleaned from your letter is that your wants and your husband's wants don't match. You put a high (or at least a higher) value on things he does not. The problem isn't with your level of success, but that your expectations and dreams don't match. In relationships, these things rarely do. Being married is all about compromise - you don't always get what you want, but then, neither does your husband. As a team, you have to find a way through these differences and work on a balance you both can live with. I'm sure you've heard the old cliché that "relationships take work", but I'll bet you've never sat down to really consider what this means. Well, this is what it means - you have to work together to set goals and those goals won't always match, but when you get them written, you divide up the work and get to it. This includes not just financial issues, but emotional, family, friends, careers and even housework.

Now, let's talk about a little reality here.

The feminist concept of the "power of women" and the inverted marriage, etc., are mostly a load. They make great sound bites and just roll off the tongue so easily that they seem real and sometimes even logical, but in fact, there is a very powerful force working against these things - nature.

Just because some women decided to burn their bras 40 years ago doesn't mean that erases millions of years of evolution! Women are pre-wired in very specific ways (and so are men by the way.) Part of this is to expect your man to "provide" for you and the family. The image of the strong man that produces is a staple of women's literature both then and now. Gee...I wonder why that is so?

Here's why: it feeds some very specific internalized needs for women. This isn't to say that women don't want to be successful on their own rights too. People of either gender want to have foundational respect and pride - even your husband - but I'll bet that; even though you didn't come right out and say it that your sex life is also suffering because of this. You probably don't find yourself as sexually attracted to your husband as you once did. I have a little rule called the "nagging ratio" which basically states that the more a wife nags, the less sex there'll be in direct proportion. If you're to get this all back on track, you've got to realize that the nagging has to stop. Even if you want things really badly, you have to catch yourself and realize that nagging will never make them happen.

Now it also appears that you've both chosen career paths that won't get you to your (personal) financial goals. This isn't just your husband, but your choices as well. I'm sure you love your chosen field, but part of those sorts of decisions include lifestyle. If you can't get a job, you're not going to have the lifestyle you want. Period. What that means is that your plan doesn't fit your goal. When that happens, your goals cannot change (or it's not a real goal - it's a dream instead), the plan has to chance. In other words, you need to be looking at a different career choice.

This also goes for your husband too! For him to just squeak by and not be enthusiastic about his work is a tragedy - not because it doesn't get you want you want, but because he's going to spend a large amount of his life there. He at least should love what he does and maybe even look forward to going to work!

Now, here's the great news: you both are still very young. Your futures aren't written on a stone tablet somewhere. In fact, you can make all sorts of life choices - and change them as many times as you want - but here's the trick: do it together as a team. As you begin working together, you're going to find that your relationship directly improves because you no longer look at things day to day, but for the long-term. You share a common direction, and even better you'll share common rewards. How can your relationship NOT improve?

Where you go from here is up to you, but change your focus from what you don't have to where you (as a couple) are going. Make the rewards of a better life contingent on how well you work together as a couple and everything's going to improve.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Lying is Bad

Lying is Bad - Um-Kay?

Doc:

I met my girlfriend online and we've been together for about 3 months (we're both in our 30's.) When we first started going out, I was dating another girl from online too. I was not attracted to this other girl romantically but thought she could be a friend. The problem is I lied to my girlfriend several times when I hung out with this other girl because I didn't want my girlfriend to worry. I never crossed the line with this other girl. A week ago, somehow my girlfriend found out about my lies and was very upset, she couldn't understand how you can lie to someone you love. She said she couldn't trust me any more and thinks we should break up. I admitted my bad judgment and repeatedly apologized for my mistake and promised it will never happen again. I asked her to give us one more try but she said she feels more comfortable to be my friend.

I insisted on seeing her and talk about it. She said she needs more time to get over this and reluctantly agreed to see me in one month. She's not local so I'm flying to see her next month. She made it clear that she wants me to stay in her basement and not with her. Do you think I still have a chance to save the relationship? I don't know whether she agreed to see me to deliver the breakup message more clearly or she still hasn't decided about us. It's been 2 weeks and she's not taking my calls and only communicates occasionally with me through email. I love her so much and everything has been perfect if it were not for the lies. I think she may be particularly sensitive to this because her ex was seeing another girl and lied to her which led to their breakup. I understand she may feel like she cannot believe anything I said to her before anymore. What should I do now? What can I say or do to make her trust me again? Is her behavior (avoiding me, not calling me, etc.) a gradual way to shut me out of her life or she really hasn't decided what to do? Please help. She means everything to me. I believe she loves me too.

Hello!

Oh man - what the hell????

My brother, you've made a total mess out of this! This isn't about "trust" at all! You're going in the wrong direction here completely. Unfortunately, your girlfriend is walking all over you in stiletto heels and you're helping her keep her balance!!

I promise that I'm not going to pound on you for this entire response, but you need to see what you're doing wrong here and get it fixed right away:

1) You have a long-distance relationship ("LDR"). This alone may be enough to totally kill off anything. LDR's NEVER work out!! Are you trying to tell me that you can't find a great girl right there in your own backyard and that you could only find someone an airplane's ride away? That's absurd!

2) You've lied. Big fucking deal!!! Do you honestly believe that she hasn't lied to you? Let me be clear here: yes, absolutely, positively, she has lied to you about something. I don't know what that is and I don't care; nor am I going to go into all the facts and research about this, but trust me, you've been lied to as well. EVERYBODY lies! If they claim that they haven't, they're lying to you!!!

Worse yet, you lied to protect her feelings over nothing! You knew she wouldn't be able to handle your female friend and simply tried to protect her! Her actions make it obvious that she couldn't handle the truth, but somehow YOU think that YOU'RE the one in the wrong here! No, you are NOT in the wrong here. She is!

Ok, lying is bad, ("ummm-kay??") I'm sure your mother wouldn't approve, but she wouldn't disown you either! This girl is holding your feet to the fire as though you're a serial killer or something! Worse part: you're helping her to do it! Put your shoes back on, big guy!

3) She's using the lying as a "trust issue". It's not, and here's why: it's just a convenient "Test" for her. I talk about "The Test" in my first and second books. You need to understand what The Test is and how to handle it. You DON'T handle it by just rolling over and taking a beating! You handle it by dealing with it as the Test that it is - it's nothing more than misdirection, pure and simple.

4) She set up the rules and you're acting like a whipped little puppy trying to jump through hoops in order to make up for your own guilt. She pulls the "friends" crap on you, tells you that you have to sleep in the basement, won't take your phone calls (all of which is just pure abuse) and you're going back for more!

Damn it! Stop this crap right now! It's time to man-up and end all this abuse. Is this treatment really the relationship you've always dreamed of? Is this really all you think you deserve? You've only been seeing her (long-distance, I might add) for 3 months! Now you feel guilt and remorse (totally out of proportion by the way) and are just acting like a scared little boy.

Here's what you need to do; and I just hope to God you do it:

First, call her up and don't worry if she picks up or not. If it goes to voice mail, all the better! Just say:

"Hey, it's me. Don't clean up the basement, I'm not going to be there in a month. If you want to deal with this, get your ass on the next flight and get over here yourself. I'm not your 'buddy' or your 'friend' or your 'whipping boy' any longer - and I'm never going to be. I'm your boyfriend and I expect you to treat me with that consideration and respect."

"I'm tired of this emotional abuse you're trying to inflict on me. Frankly, it's despicable and I held you in much higher regard than this, but obviously, you're proving me wrong. I don't need an abuser in my life - I want a caring, loving girlfriend and I won't settle for anything less."

Don't ask her to call you back - and don't worry if she doesn't! Frankly, I sincerely doubt she won't, but that's not really the point here.

Nobody (even a so called "girlfriend") is going to treat you with respect if you don't believe you deserve it. Here was a case where you did almost NOTHING wrong (except a little, white lie in order to protect her feelings) and she just jumped on it like a hungry wolf would a chicken. Then, you compounded the problem rather than ending it before it got blown up out of proportion and now you're scared of losing a girlfriend.

She's not going to love you or trust you or care about you until you do these things yourself - for yourself. If she's "over the edge" in her own rage that's NOT your problem! That's HER problem and she's going to lose a great guy that just learned a valuable lesson about women and relationships.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Girl's: Learn How to Say Yes!

Girls: Learn How To Say "Yes"!


Hello Dr. Neder:

This guy in my class has been flirting with me all semester. When he first approached me I was reading on the grass. He introduced himself to me, mentioned that we were in class together and sat down and started talking to me. Some small talk (mostly him asking questions about myself) was followed by him inviting me to join him for coffee in the student center, but I declined because I didn't know him that well nor did I know whether or not I liked him.

As the semester has gone on I've gotten to feel a lot more comfortable around him and now I would like to go out with him. Only problem is, he hasn't asked me again! I waited and waited for him to ask and nothing. I thought back to whether or not I gave him the right signals. I would say I was receptive to what he did (smiled when he smiled, answered when he spoke or asked me questions about myself), but it was rare that I initiated anything except a couple of goodbyes after class was over. I have to admit I did play hot/cold a couple of times however, the guys I talked to say when a girl you like is receptive to any of your advances that is usually enough to move things forward. Part of me thinks he was too subtle and I only see him in class so he would have an audience of our classmates as well as my girlfriends if he asked me again. That is probably what is stopping him.

The last day of class is coming up soon. I've thought about offering him my phone number, but I think a few things are stopping me and I want to get your opinion/thoughts from a guy's view on each of them.

1) If a guy is interested in you he will ask you out. Since this guy hasn't asked me for my phone number or brought up going out again, maybe he isn't interested enough and just likes flirting.

2) I'm going to come across as desperate or too aggressive if I offer him my number. Usually the guy is the one to come after me and it is rare that I would offer my number without him asking. I almost feel like that puts me in the pursuer role and I don't know how comfortable I am with that.

3) I'm not really sure how to even approach the topic. Should I say something about the coffee offer (that was almost 2 months ago) or should I just write my digits on a piece of paper and hand it to him? I don't want to go into a big speech and the least words the better because I feel like we have an audience (the class). This is hard enough to do without an audience (if I decided to do it).

Any thoughts, opinions, or advice you can give me would be beneficial. Again, my class meets in two days for the last time and I either need to get brave or bag it for good.

Hello!

How well do you have to know someone - or know that you like them - in order to have coffee with them??? That is sure an odd "standard" indeed! In fact, you should use the exact opposite approach. Only turn down coffee if you absolutely DO NOT like someone - not when you don't know! Otherwise, how else will you find out if you like them or not?

Further, what in the hell is with this game of hot/cold? Yes, I know that you girls somehow think this will make or keep a guy's interest, but as a guy I'm here to tell you this simply makes us want to find someone - anyone - else! Trust me on this one: I don't care what your guy-friends have told you, this IS NOT enough! Why would some guy constantly risk rejection from you? Answer: they won't.

Now, guess what? You've created a situation where he's not going to ask you out - even if you really turn on the interest! Great job if you want to stay single the rest of your life! What this really means now is that YOU are going to have to do the work instead of letting him do it if you really want to see this guy outside of class!

Let me now answer your specific questions:

1) This guy DID ask you out - he invited you to coffee! You said "no" (because of some dumb rule about "liking him before drinking coffee in his presence".) You should have taken him up on it then.

2) You're so worried about looking desperate and agressive that you don't even look available! As I said before, this "hot/cold" game constantly works against you girls, but you do it anyway. Is this something you read in Cosmo or something? Remember: those mags are written by WOMEN, not men! If you want to know what a man thinks, ask one (oh wait - you DID - you're asking me!)

3) The only reason you now have to be "brave" is because you blew it originally! I hope you take this away as a lesson. Stop playing the games already! Just be upfront and a little brave. Your social life will only improve because of it.

What you need to do immediately is to go up to him (forget the coffee incident) and say, "Here's my number. I hope you'll call me after finals so we can get together."

I know, I know, this is a lot more difficult than if you'd just have said, "yes" in the beginning - right?

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.