Why "Working it From the Inside" Doesn't Work
One of the most common questions I get comes from guys starts off with
"I have this woman friend. We've been close friends for over a year now, but she has a boyfriend."
Sound familiar?
This is something I call trying to "work it from the inside". In effect, these guys figure that if they can just hang in there long enough, eventually the girl will see what a great guy he is, will fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take the risk of rejection or getting hurt.
This never works!
Oh sure, you're a great guy with most of your own teeth, but let me assure you; this flies right in the face of exactly what women want from us guys. Once you become the "friend" you'll never be anything else; and women are happy to let you make that choice! Let me explain why this is so and more important, why you want to avoid it at all costs. Well end the discussion with how to prevent it.
First off, women recognize and understand this behavior. They see it as weak and cowardly (although, they'd never tell you this - after all, you're her "friend"!) Women want to be with men that will take at least small risks - and win. If you won't do this even for the chance to be with a great girl, you're not the kind of guy they seek.
Women want men that can stand up and be men! They want guys that can say, "You need to dump your boyfriend and start dating me." Of course, then you need a reason why. If you're hanging in there waiting for her to dump him, it's not going to be for you. Worse yet, if you're hanging in there waiting for the boyfriend to dump her, she may come and cry on your shoulder, but she's never going to warm your bed.
A woman looks at male friends very differently from potential boyfriends. Have you ever heard a woman say, "I just don't see you like that", or "I don't feel that way about you" or "You are more like my brother"? These are all "womanese" for "You don't make me feel feminine."
There's another reason why women are motivated to let you stay as a friend. I call this the "empty restaurant" syndrome.
Imagine you're walking around town and find that you're hungry. You see two restaurants in front of you. One is full of customers and the other it totally empty. Which one do you choose for dinner? Easy: the full restaurant. After all, these people must know something to choose that restaurant over the other one.
Women believe this is true too! How many women have you met that have "boyfriends"? Most of them, right? Trust me, that doesn't mean that they're seeing only one guy that they are in love with an plan to marry. In fact, many of these "boyfriends" are simply clueless guys that are hanging in there for their chance to hook up with her! This way, she can claim that there are ".guys all over that want to be with her." Women believe this makes them more desirable! She's hoping that a strong, confident guy will come along, tell her to dump you (believing that you're her boyfriend) and "win" her by sweeping her off her feet. Do you see how this works?
Once you make it to the "friend zone" you'll never get out of it. I'm not going to get into this point too deeply, but if you doubt this, please see my FAQ's for much more on what you have to do if you find yourself there already.
So, how do you avoid being this poor, clueless jerk? Simple: have a plan, go after what you want and don't settle for less. If she tells you she's not ready for a relationship, continues to cancel dates, starts talking about seeing her ex-boyfriend again, etc., get scarce. Better yet, go start dating someone else for now. When she gets the idea that you're not going to play this game with her, she'll be much more open to letting you take things somewhere.
You can also avoid this by telling a woman specifically that you're not her "friend" and you never will be. "But Doc, won't this push her away?" Nope - not if she's really interested in you! In fact, it will do just the opposite - it will attract her because you're proving that you have other plans for her and you. She's either down with your plans or she out. It's that simple.
This doesn't even mean that you can't have female friends. You can, just be sure that they are really women you just want as friends. Don't become the friend in hopes that a woman will do your work for you and you'll have a girlfriend. She never will - nor will you.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
One of the most common questions I get comes from guys starts off with
"I have this woman friend. We've been close friends for over a year now, but she has a boyfriend."
Sound familiar?
This is something I call trying to "work it from the inside". In effect, these guys figure that if they can just hang in there long enough, eventually the girl will see what a great guy he is, will fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take the risk of rejection or getting hurt.
This never works!
Oh sure, you're a great guy with most of your own teeth, but let me assure you; this flies right in the face of exactly what women want from us guys. Once you become the "friend" you'll never be anything else; and women are happy to let you make that choice! Let me explain why this is so and more important, why you want to avoid it at all costs. Well end the discussion with how to prevent it.
First off, women recognize and understand this behavior. They see it as weak and cowardly (although, they'd never tell you this - after all, you're her "friend"!) Women want to be with men that will take at least small risks - and win. If you won't do this even for the chance to be with a great girl, you're not the kind of guy they seek.
Women want men that can stand up and be men! They want guys that can say, "You need to dump your boyfriend and start dating me." Of course, then you need a reason why. If you're hanging in there waiting for her to dump him, it's not going to be for you. Worse yet, if you're hanging in there waiting for the boyfriend to dump her, she may come and cry on your shoulder, but she's never going to warm your bed.
A woman looks at male friends very differently from potential boyfriends. Have you ever heard a woman say, "I just don't see you like that", or "I don't feel that way about you" or "You are more like my brother"? These are all "womanese" for "You don't make me feel feminine."
There's another reason why women are motivated to let you stay as a friend. I call this the "empty restaurant" syndrome.
Imagine you're walking around town and find that you're hungry. You see two restaurants in front of you. One is full of customers and the other it totally empty. Which one do you choose for dinner? Easy: the full restaurant. After all, these people must know something to choose that restaurant over the other one.
Women believe this is true too! How many women have you met that have "boyfriends"? Most of them, right? Trust me, that doesn't mean that they're seeing only one guy that they are in love with an plan to marry. In fact, many of these "boyfriends" are simply clueless guys that are hanging in there for their chance to hook up with her! This way, she can claim that there are ".guys all over that want to be with her." Women believe this makes them more desirable! She's hoping that a strong, confident guy will come along, tell her to dump you (believing that you're her boyfriend) and "win" her by sweeping her off her feet. Do you see how this works?
Once you make it to the "friend zone" you'll never get out of it. I'm not going to get into this point too deeply, but if you doubt this, please see my FAQ's for much more on what you have to do if you find yourself there already.
So, how do you avoid being this poor, clueless jerk? Simple: have a plan, go after what you want and don't settle for less. If she tells you she's not ready for a relationship, continues to cancel dates, starts talking about seeing her ex-boyfriend again, etc., get scarce. Better yet, go start dating someone else for now. When she gets the idea that you're not going to play this game with her, she'll be much more open to letting you take things somewhere.
You can also avoid this by telling a woman specifically that you're not her "friend" and you never will be. "But Doc, won't this push her away?" Nope - not if she's really interested in you! In fact, it will do just the opposite - it will attract her because you're proving that you have other plans for her and you. She's either down with your plans or she out. It's that simple.
This doesn't even mean that you can't have female friends. You can, just be sure that they are really women you just want as friends. Don't become the friend in hopes that a woman will do your work for you and you'll have a girlfriend. She never will - nor will you.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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