After the Fight

After The Fight


Hello!

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years. We had a big fight a couple of weeks ago, and after that she doesn't say "I love you" to me as much as she did before.

We are acting the same as before the fight to each other but I just want her to say I love you to me as much as she did before. She says it when we hang out and stuff, but not when we are on the phone.

I feel like it's a game; like she is waiting for me to say it first all the time now. Maybe I should do it?! That also made me more insecure and I hate that.

Give me some advice please - thanks!

Hello!

First of all, nobody can "make" you feel insecure. That's something you do to yourself only. Whether or not you feel secure and confident are entirely up to you. Don't make her responsible for how you feel or you're going to be in a constant state of trying to please her to get what you should already have - a good sense of self.

Ok, so you need to hear the words "I love you" in order to feel loved. That's fine. You're likely to find that she has some other need. Everyone has something make makes them feel loved - some (like you) need to hear it. Others want to be shown and still others need to be touched in order to feel loved.

I'll bet your girlfriend has a different need than you do. When the fight happened, she reverted to what was most comfortable for her - and is different from you.

What you needt to do is to sit down with her and start by asking, "Honey, what things do I do that make you feel most loved?" Then, really listen as she explains it to you. You might have difficult really grasping it at first as it's going to be different than your own experience, but hang in there. Really get to understand her needs.

Then, once you do - and agree to work on giving it to her, explain to her that you need to hear the words back for YOU to feel loved.

If you both really want the other to understand how you feel about each other, then you'll both invest your energies into giving the other what they need - in their own particular language.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

The Best Valentine by Crystal Eves

The Best Valentine
Earlier this week, like most young children, my eight year old son was busy preparing Valentine's Day cards to distribute at school. I'm so glad the schools still allow it, because it's such a nice little tradition.
Surprisingly, even with the Internet and text messaging, not much has changed about this ritual over the years. The students still make mailboxes to collect their cards, and they still write poems and print them on heart shaped construction paper.
Yet, there are some differences. For one, more Valentines are store bought these days and two, the children sometimes give out candy along with their cards. I don't remember that ever happening when I was a child, unless someone's mom baked cupcakes and brought them in.
Probably the biggest change the school has made to the old Valentine's Day is the new insistence that no child be excluded. The rule is, if you give a card to one person, you must give one to everybody. This, of course, creates another difference from our day in that, each classroom no longer has a child weeping on the floor in the fetal position because they only got one Valentine, and it was from the teacher.
This doesn't mean that school children no longer play favourites, because they do; they're just more subtle about how they do it. They give their 'special' Valentine's cards to the children they like best, and their leftovers go to the kid who picks his nose in class.
When I watched my son working on his cards, I noticed that he must have strong feelings for someone because he had one very nice Valentine set aside from the all the others.
"What's this one?" I asked.
"It's my favourite and I'm giving it to someone special," he answered.
"Ooh, who's it for?" I asked in a teasing manner.
A shy grin spread across his face and he hesitated to answer.
Seeing my normally talkative child suddenly silent I added, "Wow, you must really like this person."
His grin got larger, and he simply nodded.
It was obvious that he wasn't going to tell me who it was, so I thought it best to stop pestering him with questions. Instead...I grabbed the yearbook and started pointing to people, "Is it this one? This one? This one? This one? Betcha it's this one." (I never claimed to be mature.)
"Mom!" He groaned in exasperation.
I put the book away, but not before I flipped it open one last time "This one?"
He'd had enough. He gathered up his cards and left the room. I made a mental note to deposit more money in the therapy fund I started when he was four.
I established the fund after we told him that smiling as widely as possible would increase his chance of hitting the baseball when he was at bat. It was awfully cute at the little league games to see his massive, forced grin every time he approached the batters' box, but it was very, very wrong of us. I can admit that now.
It wasn't until hours after my torment that he finally felt comfortable to tell me about his special Valentine, and even then he didn't tell me face to face. He whispered it out of the corner of his mouth as he was walking by in the other direction. It felt a little bit like we were covert operatives sharing classified information.
"I'm giving it to myself," he said, "because I like me best."
The beauty of it left me speechless.
Like yourself best. Treat yourself like the special person you are.
Two simple but profound ideas that my son gave to me this Valentine's Day. If this keeps up, I may not need that therapy fund after all.
Crystal
Copyright 2007, Crystal Eves
A Great Read!

CrystalEves.com

Turn Her Into a "Social Butterfly"

Turn Her into a "Social Butterfly"


Hey Doc:

I've been dating someone recently and am really starting to like her. Unfortunately due to our different work schedules we have been limited to what we do however my schedule has begun to open up a bit and I would like to spend more time with her.

The difficulty is that she seems to be REALLY antisocial, more than I had thought. I'm trying to make our time together more interesting and have been suggesting multiple things that we can do but every time I suggest something she shuts it down in one way or another. I'm running out of things to do besides from watching movies and going to dinner with her.

This is the first girl I've ever dated and I figured when I finally met someone that my free time would become more interesting, not more boring.

Any suggestions on how to crack her shell and turn her into a social butterfly?

Hello!

Actually, your answer is the same answer I give people where one partner starts to withdraw from (or withhold) sex!

You should explain to her that you've been comfortable and happy with giving her what she needed, but now you expect her to meet you half way. You need to be out among other people and to have fun - more than just sitting at home with a movie.

I don't know why she's so antisocial, but frankly, it doesn't matter. She's missing some great parts of life with that attitude!

So, I suggest you do this: sit her down and explain (with examples) of how you've met her antisocial needs, but expect her to invest in your needs too. Explain that you want to go out and even tell her what you want to do. If she's not willing to do these things, explain that while you understand, it doesn't change your needs so you're going to have to find someone else to do these things with!

She's going to have to understand and be accepting of it. She on the other hand should not be given the same right however! You're always there to go out with her if she wants - it's she that isn't doing this for you!

Of course, when you're out with someone else, she runs the risk of losing you to that other person that's more fun; but then, those are the potential risks of her choices.

Since this is your first relationship, I'll give you an important point: never compromise your life, your wants or your needs for someone else. That's a waste of BOTH people's time. There has to be compromises and a commensurate give-and-take, or there's nothing to work with in the first place.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Where in the Hell Are They? (Potential Partners)

Where in the Hell are They? (Potential Partners)


Hey Doc:

I'm 25, and I've been out of the dating scene as well as college for a couple of years now. I'm not a drinker, so I don't go to bars, and I'm not a dancer, so I don't go to clubs. So where can I go to meet someone who would date a guy like me? And what places are appropriate to approach women, and which places are inappropriate? The best I've been able to come up with is church, but pickings are slim there.

Thanks for the help.

Hello!

Actually, this is a GOOD thing - not going to bars and clubs to meet women.

Here's the reality: women often go to bars and clubs, "dressed to impress" simply to get hit on. That means that they have their "bitch shields" up and it takes some real game to get past this. Frankly, very, very few guys have what it takes to do this, so the women go home with an ego-boost having trashed a bunch of guys and the guys to home with their ego in shambles.

Worse yet, many women these days are playing "Collect the numbers" where they tell guys that ask for their number, "I don't give my number out, give me yours and I'll call you." The poor, dumb guy thinks he just hit it big only to find out that the girl never intended to call him in the first place. She just wanted to see how many guy's numbers she could collect and compare it against her girlfriends!

So, if you don't meet women in bars and clubs, where do you meet them? Answer: everywhere else!

Here's the problem:

Many guys (like you - it's ok) actually think that you need to get all dressed up on a Friday or Saturday night and go out to meet the woman of your dreams. That's not at all how it works. Instead, you need to have your game in your back pocket at all times. That way, when you see a woman you'd like to meet, you can just walk up, run your game and walk away with a number, a date or even more.

Think about this: how many great women have you seen just walking around that you'd like to have met, but didn't feel "ready"? It happens to guys all the time. That's a huge waste of resources! In effect, you should always be "on the hunt". That doesn't mean you have to be a prowler or stalker - simply that you know how to do the basics:

* Develop "context" for the approach
* Know how to make the initial contact and "break the ice"
* Know how to establish rapport and connection quickly
* Know how to close the right way - and get what you want.

The great thing is that these aren't difficult to learn!

The other thing you need is to get yourself out there and actually meet these girls. As I said before, great women are everywhere - except in your own living room. So, by getting involved with both your day-to-day activities as well as other things that interest you, you're instantly going to run into these women.

You should definitely check out my e-book, "1001 Places and Techniques for Meeting Great Women" as it'll give you a very comprehensive list of where to meet women, but here are just a few ideas:

* Bookstores
* Car wash
* Community events (fairs, "music in the park", etc.)
* Clubs and organizations
* Classes
* Stores and malls
...and literally thousands of other places!

Lose the idea that you have to go out "hunting" and realize that you're always on the hunt. Then, you're instantly going to find great women are all over the place - because they are!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

My Boyfriend is a Loser!

My Boyfriend is a Loser!


I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 26, we've been going together for 7 years, but quite honestly the last few years have not been good and this summer I really started distancing myself from him.

I have my own apartment, job and car, pay all my own bills, etc. he on the other hand still lives at home with his mom!! He is very irresponsible and I am just getting turned off by the whole situation. He barely works maybe only about 20 hours a week and that's being generous, he usually only works 10 or 15 hours a week. He doesn't give his mom any money to help out with bills, and whenever he needs money his mom gives it to him.

In the past he would ask me for money and I would give it to him, but over the last year when he asks I tell him I don't have it. I feel that if I can go to work everyday and support myself then so can he. He is very irresponsible and unorganized you have to constantly remind him to do things like he's a child and it's really starting to take its toll on me. The past few months have been pretty bad, we constantly argue (mostly about his work ethics and being irresponsible and lazy) and lately I just don't even like being around him.

He always makes excuses as to why he can't find a job. One excuse was because he didn't have a car. So I purchased a new car and instead of trading in my old car I told him he could drive it all he had to do was get his own insurance and keep the oil changed. He couldn't even do that.

At one point we were talking about moving in together. At the time my lease was up and we still were trying to decide what we were going to do, so I didn't renew my lease and went on a month to month lease. Since I wasn't under a contract I had to pay an additional $50.00 dollars per month and he said he would pay it. Needless to say I never received one payment.

We have talked about getting married but I don't want to marry him because he really doesn't have anything to offer. I give him leads on jobs and he never follows up I give him applications and he never fills them out.

Every time I make comments about him finding a job or his finances he says I think I'm better so now I don't even say anything.

I really don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel like dating other people because I'm tired of having to pay for everything when we go out or not even going out at all because he never has any money.

Please Help!!!!

Hello!

Welcome to the "other side".

Men face this problem quite often. Not so much where women are just plain lazy, but in fact, men end up paying 74% of all dating costs and around 62% of costs in the marriage and let's not even talk about divorce! Men have to make the decision as to whether it's a reasonable financial decision to date any woman.

Relationships are not built on a balance sheet. If you spend your time looking for men that can support you financially, you may find them, but in at least some cases, you'll give up something in return. It may be emotional, spiritual, physical or in some other way, but there's always a trade-off.

Now, with that said, they key aspect to your question comes in the fact that you are no longer attracted to him because of all of this.

This comes down to the most primitive needs we experience as men and women. It's a fact that men are mostly attracted to women because of your looks and women are mostly attracted to men because of our power. One of the easiest ways to determine a man's power is through is career and earnings.

Like most women, you're ability to feel safe, secure and even loved come a lot from your partner's power. If you don't see this power in him, you can't feel those things, and hence, the attraction isn't there. I believe that everyone should strive to have what they want in their lives and right up at the top is love.

Now, here's the bad news:

As time goes along, men (and woman too) continue to earn more and gain more power. Unfortunately, as time goes along, your looks will begin to fade. That's a cold, hard reality. In effect, while men's stock continues to rise, women's continue to fall.

I would hope that men would understand that looks make be the first reason they're attracted to particular women, there are many other things that are important and while looks fade, the others don't. Likewise, I'd hope that women look at a man from the potential to give her what she needs in many ways - not just financial - as even this can go away. Ultimately that's why we form "partnerships" - to be able to pick up where our partner falls off - and this is never a balanced bottom line.

In order to put this into better perspective, I wrote a software tool called the "Rating Instrument" that's available for free on my website. It gives people a chance to "rate" potential partners in many different aspects (as determined by their goals). It works for both men and women using different criteria. You might want to get a copy and run your boyfriend through it to see just how he fits. I think you'll be surprised.

So, here's the end-game: this guy doesn't seem like a good match for you as you're no longer attracted to him and I think you should move on. However, if you make a man's finances your primary (or even secondary) focus, you're missing the boat and will look back years from now regretting your decision.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Living With Gusto

Living with Gusto

The Super Bowl is coming up soon, and although I'm not a regular season football fan, I am one who enjoys participating in an exciting event. And since I've never been asked to play in a Super Bowl, what I do instead is put on a Super Bowl party complete with side bets, decorations and tasty snacks in football shaped bowls. The party is for me and my sons (and anyone else who happens by) and we always have a great night whooping and hollering for our team.
We started doing this a few years ago and now, whatever the event, be it the Oscars, The Stanley Cup Playoffs, The World Cup or The Olympics, we make a great big deal about it. We do this because I truly believe that the amount of fun one has is in direct proportion to how much one 'gets into' the events around them.
I learned this at Second City Improv School when my husband and I took classes there several years ago. The beginners' class (the only one I took) consisted of a series of games designed to jam the thinking brain so that people learned to respond from a spontaneous place. Our teacher was the award winning, extremely talented, improv performer, Lisa Merchant, and no matter what game we played, Lisa participated as though that game was the most important thing in the world.
Her movements were big, her expressions were animated, and her desire to win was evident. Because she played with such gusto, each and every class exercise became an hilarious battle for victory. She showed us that when you commit to an event and really engage it with all your energy, even a modified game of tag can become a memorable and gut-splitting experience.
It's because she modelled this, that I paint my boys' faces in team colours during the Stanley Cup playoffs. Based on her example, we don't just watch the Oscars, we have a contest to predict the winners and we play Oscar bingo, gaining points for each time a winner thanks their mom or says, "I can't believe I won."
I'm trying to do for my boys what Lisa did for our class. I'm trying to show them through example, that enjoyment stems from a choice to participate, and that throwing oneself into the game can make any occasion special.
Think for a moment if you will, of a time when you fully let yourself engage, a time when you played hard at whatever you were doing. Now in contrast, recall a time when you sat on the sidelines, a time when you decided that it wasn't really worth it to participate. Which time felt most alive? Most people would say the former, even if when they played hard they got battered.
Life is only as mundane as we decide it is. When we choose to believe that a sporting event means something, or that a band is the best we've ever heard, or that a party is going to be a blast, or a season finale is important to watch, then it is. And when our lives are filled with things we deem meaningful, we are richer for it.
I hope I'm teaching my boys to engage what's going on. I hope they see that there is value in participation and in being a part of their culture's experiences. I hope that I'm raising the kind of children who would attend their generation's Woodstock, but most of all, I hope that I'm raising children who will live each moment like it matters.
Crystal
Copyright 2007, Crystal Eves

Game-Playing Girlfriend

Game-Playing Girlfriend


Hi Dr. Neder,

I read some of your articles and your advice is great. I just recently hooked up with a girl that actually picked me up at club. She really liked me a lot and for the first few weeks, I played hard to get with her. She wanted to get me settled down and kind of coerced me into a relationship. Obviously, being someone that doesn't like relationships I refused, but she tried and tried again, I finally submitted and became her boyfriend.

I truly believe, that once you're involved in a relationship the mind games stop and so I've been true to this girl and I treat her with respect and have even opened up to her. Things were good for sometime. Obviously, I began really liking her, became very nice to her and I expressed my true feelings to her, I showed her lots of affection, and I even told her I loved her. That was a BIG MISTAKE! Now, the tables have turned on me and she controls the relationship, she only calls me after I've called her, and is playing hard to get, she doesn't express herself to me, she cancels on dates and prefers staying at home.

Obviously, I care for her and I miss her, and I thought by expressing those feelings she would be friendlier, and because she is a good girl, she does become nicer the next day a few days later, it's back to her neglectful self. I think she's taken me for granted. How do I turn the table on her and assume control of the relationship. Mind you, I like her a lot now.

Thanks, any help would be appreciated.

Hello!

I'm afraid you believe wrong. When the relationship begins, that's also when the mind-games escalate!

Early relationships are all about posturing and trying to determine exactly where each person fits. We guys aren't as strong or adamant about this, but trust me, women are!

What you're experiencing are classic symptoms of having failed "The Test". This is something that I talk about in my books, but every relationship goes through it - usually early on. As you're experiencing now, you'd better pass The Test or you've got some problems.

Obviously, I can't say what The Test was in your particular case, but if you step back and really think about this there was one pivital point at which things changed - or began to change. That was The Test. Further, it was likely not due to anything in particular and probably was "out of the blue". This is how The Test works.

What's critical now is that you do some damage control. If you don't, she's going to get very bored with you and the relationship and move on. In fact, these symptoms are signs of that already happening.

You need to pull WAY back! Stop "chasing" her. She was most happy when she was chasing you - remember? That's where she wants to be again. Now that she has you and you're gushing your feelings all over her, she feels like she's made a mistake. Women gush their feelings - not men. She probably wants to date a man again.

I suggest you stop contacting her entirely - no phone calls, stop by's, IM's, email - nothing. Get scarce for a while. When she calls you (finally!) don't pick up the phone. Give her a few days before you return the call. In short, she needs to get the feeling that she's losing you - not the other way around.

Then, when she wants to get together, be reluctant! Make HER the focus of the problem. Don't take it on yourself or apologize that things haven't been what you wanted them to be, etc. Say something like, "Well, I'm not sure you're the girl I thought you were" (she's not - right?)

By changing the focus, you're going to change the power. You're also going to change her image of you and the relationship.

Let's face it - the person that wants the relationship least (or SEEMS to want it least) is in control. That needs to be you in order to save this one.

I suggest you go to my website and learn about "The Test". Once you get this situation handled, you need to know that you're going to be Tested again - and this one, you're going to have to pass.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.