Lying is Bad - Um-Kay?
Doc:
I met my girlfriend online and we've been together for about 3 months (we're both in our 30's.) When we first started going out, I was dating another girl from online too. I was not attracted to this other girl romantically but thought she could be a friend. The problem is I lied to my girlfriend several times when I hung out with this other girl because I didn't want my girlfriend to worry. I never crossed the line with this other girl. A week ago, somehow my girlfriend found out about my lies and was very upset, she couldn't understand how you can lie to someone you love. She said she couldn't trust me any more and thinks we should break up. I admitted my bad judgment and repeatedly apologized for my mistake and promised it will never happen again. I asked her to give us one more try but she said she feels more comfortable to be my friend.
I insisted on seeing her and talk about it. She said she needs more time to get over this and reluctantly agreed to see me in one month. She's not local so I'm flying to see her next month. She made it clear that she wants me to stay in her basement and not with her. Do you think I still have a chance to save the relationship? I don't know whether she agreed to see me to deliver the breakup message more clearly or she still hasn't decided about us. It's been 2 weeks and she's not taking my calls and only communicates occasionally with me through email. I love her so much and everything has been perfect if it were not for the lies. I think she may be particularly sensitive to this because her ex was seeing another girl and lied to her which led to their breakup. I understand she may feel like she cannot believe anything I said to her before anymore. What should I do now? What can I say or do to make her trust me again? Is her behavior (avoiding me, not calling me, etc.) a gradual way to shut me out of her life or she really hasn't decided what to do? Please help. She means everything to me. I believe she loves me too.
Hello!
Oh man - what the hell????
My brother, you've made a total mess out of this! This isn't about "trust" at all! You're going in the wrong direction here completely. Unfortunately, your girlfriend is walking all over you in stiletto heels and you're helping her keep her balance!!
I promise that I'm not going to pound on you for this entire response, but you need to see what you're doing wrong here and get it fixed right away:
1) You have a long-distance relationship ("LDR"). This alone may be enough to totally kill off anything. LDR's NEVER work out!! Are you trying to tell me that you can't find a great girl right there in your own backyard and that you could only find someone an airplane's ride away? That's absurd!
2) You've lied. Big fucking deal!!! Do you honestly believe that she hasn't lied to you? Let me be clear here: yes, absolutely, positively, she has lied to you about something. I don't know what that is and I don't care; nor am I going to go into all the facts and research about this, but trust me, you've been lied to as well. EVERYBODY lies! If they claim that they haven't, they're lying to you!!!
Worse yet, you lied to protect her feelings over nothing! You knew she wouldn't be able to handle your female friend and simply tried to protect her! Her actions make it obvious that she couldn't handle the truth, but somehow YOU think that YOU'RE the one in the wrong here! No, you are NOT in the wrong here. She is!
Ok, lying is bad, ("ummm-kay??") I'm sure your mother wouldn't approve, but she wouldn't disown you either! This girl is holding your feet to the fire as though you're a serial killer or something! Worse part: you're helping her to do it! Put your shoes back on, big guy!
3) She's using the lying as a "trust issue". It's not, and here's why: it's just a convenient "Test" for her. I talk about "The Test" in my first and second books. You need to understand what The Test is and how to handle it. You DON'T handle it by just rolling over and taking a beating! You handle it by dealing with it as the Test that it is - it's nothing more than misdirection, pure and simple.
4) She set up the rules and you're acting like a whipped little puppy trying to jump through hoops in order to make up for your own guilt. She pulls the "friends" crap on you, tells you that you have to sleep in the basement, won't take your phone calls (all of which is just pure abuse) and you're going back for more!
Damn it! Stop this crap right now! It's time to man-up and end all this abuse. Is this treatment really the relationship you've always dreamed of? Is this really all you think you deserve? You've only been seeing her (long-distance, I might add) for 3 months! Now you feel guilt and remorse (totally out of proportion by the way) and are just acting like a scared little boy.
Here's what you need to do; and I just hope to God you do it:
First, call her up and don't worry if she picks up or not. If it goes to voice mail, all the better! Just say:
"Hey, it's me. Don't clean up the basement, I'm not going to be there in a month. If you want to deal with this, get your ass on the next flight and get over here yourself. I'm not your 'buddy' or your 'friend' or your 'whipping boy' any longer - and I'm never going to be. I'm your boyfriend and I expect you to treat me with that consideration and respect."
"I'm tired of this emotional abuse you're trying to inflict on me. Frankly, it's despicable and I held you in much higher regard than this, but obviously, you're proving me wrong. I don't need an abuser in my life - I want a caring, loving girlfriend and I won't settle for anything less."
Don't ask her to call you back - and don't worry if she doesn't! Frankly, I sincerely doubt she won't, but that's not really the point here.
Nobody (even a so called "girlfriend") is going to treat you with respect if you don't believe you deserve it. Here was a case where you did almost NOTHING wrong (except a little, white lie in order to protect her feelings) and she just jumped on it like a hungry wolf would a chicken. Then, you compounded the problem rather than ending it before it got blown up out of proportion and now you're scared of losing a girlfriend.
She's not going to love you or trust you or care about you until you do these things yourself - for yourself. If she's "over the edge" in her own rage that's NOT your problem! That's HER problem and she's going to lose a great guy that just learned a valuable lesson about women and relationships.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Doc:
I met my girlfriend online and we've been together for about 3 months (we're both in our 30's.) When we first started going out, I was dating another girl from online too. I was not attracted to this other girl romantically but thought she could be a friend. The problem is I lied to my girlfriend several times when I hung out with this other girl because I didn't want my girlfriend to worry. I never crossed the line with this other girl. A week ago, somehow my girlfriend found out about my lies and was very upset, she couldn't understand how you can lie to someone you love. She said she couldn't trust me any more and thinks we should break up. I admitted my bad judgment and repeatedly apologized for my mistake and promised it will never happen again. I asked her to give us one more try but she said she feels more comfortable to be my friend.
I insisted on seeing her and talk about it. She said she needs more time to get over this and reluctantly agreed to see me in one month. She's not local so I'm flying to see her next month. She made it clear that she wants me to stay in her basement and not with her. Do you think I still have a chance to save the relationship? I don't know whether she agreed to see me to deliver the breakup message more clearly or she still hasn't decided about us. It's been 2 weeks and she's not taking my calls and only communicates occasionally with me through email. I love her so much and everything has been perfect if it were not for the lies. I think she may be particularly sensitive to this because her ex was seeing another girl and lied to her which led to their breakup. I understand she may feel like she cannot believe anything I said to her before anymore. What should I do now? What can I say or do to make her trust me again? Is her behavior (avoiding me, not calling me, etc.) a gradual way to shut me out of her life or she really hasn't decided what to do? Please help. She means everything to me. I believe she loves me too.
Hello!
Oh man - what the hell????
My brother, you've made a total mess out of this! This isn't about "trust" at all! You're going in the wrong direction here completely. Unfortunately, your girlfriend is walking all over you in stiletto heels and you're helping her keep her balance!!
I promise that I'm not going to pound on you for this entire response, but you need to see what you're doing wrong here and get it fixed right away:
1) You have a long-distance relationship ("LDR"). This alone may be enough to totally kill off anything. LDR's NEVER work out!! Are you trying to tell me that you can't find a great girl right there in your own backyard and that you could only find someone an airplane's ride away? That's absurd!
2) You've lied. Big fucking deal!!! Do you honestly believe that she hasn't lied to you? Let me be clear here: yes, absolutely, positively, she has lied to you about something. I don't know what that is and I don't care; nor am I going to go into all the facts and research about this, but trust me, you've been lied to as well. EVERYBODY lies! If they claim that they haven't, they're lying to you!!!
Worse yet, you lied to protect her feelings over nothing! You knew she wouldn't be able to handle your female friend and simply tried to protect her! Her actions make it obvious that she couldn't handle the truth, but somehow YOU think that YOU'RE the one in the wrong here! No, you are NOT in the wrong here. She is!
Ok, lying is bad, ("ummm-kay??") I'm sure your mother wouldn't approve, but she wouldn't disown you either! This girl is holding your feet to the fire as though you're a serial killer or something! Worse part: you're helping her to do it! Put your shoes back on, big guy!
3) She's using the lying as a "trust issue". It's not, and here's why: it's just a convenient "Test" for her. I talk about "The Test" in my first and second books. You need to understand what The Test is and how to handle it. You DON'T handle it by just rolling over and taking a beating! You handle it by dealing with it as the Test that it is - it's nothing more than misdirection, pure and simple.
4) She set up the rules and you're acting like a whipped little puppy trying to jump through hoops in order to make up for your own guilt. She pulls the "friends" crap on you, tells you that you have to sleep in the basement, won't take your phone calls (all of which is just pure abuse) and you're going back for more!
Damn it! Stop this crap right now! It's time to man-up and end all this abuse. Is this treatment really the relationship you've always dreamed of? Is this really all you think you deserve? You've only been seeing her (long-distance, I might add) for 3 months! Now you feel guilt and remorse (totally out of proportion by the way) and are just acting like a scared little boy.
Here's what you need to do; and I just hope to God you do it:
First, call her up and don't worry if she picks up or not. If it goes to voice mail, all the better! Just say:
"Hey, it's me. Don't clean up the basement, I'm not going to be there in a month. If you want to deal with this, get your ass on the next flight and get over here yourself. I'm not your 'buddy' or your 'friend' or your 'whipping boy' any longer - and I'm never going to be. I'm your boyfriend and I expect you to treat me with that consideration and respect."
"I'm tired of this emotional abuse you're trying to inflict on me. Frankly, it's despicable and I held you in much higher regard than this, but obviously, you're proving me wrong. I don't need an abuser in my life - I want a caring, loving girlfriend and I won't settle for anything less."
Don't ask her to call you back - and don't worry if she doesn't! Frankly, I sincerely doubt she won't, but that's not really the point here.
Nobody (even a so called "girlfriend") is going to treat you with respect if you don't believe you deserve it. Here was a case where you did almost NOTHING wrong (except a little, white lie in order to protect her feelings) and she just jumped on it like a hungry wolf would a chicken. Then, you compounded the problem rather than ending it before it got blown up out of proportion and now you're scared of losing a girlfriend.
She's not going to love you or trust you or care about you until you do these things yourself - for yourself. If she's "over the edge" in her own rage that's NOT your problem! That's HER problem and she's going to lose a great guy that just learned a valuable lesson about women and relationships.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
