Lost Without a Trace

Good Morning ---

I really enjoy reading your website!

I would like to know, why do men sometimes just cut you off (no communication) when they are dealing with their problems.

Long story short, I met someone last April --- things started out great, but then I found out he had been separated for about 7 years, and was divorced this past June. That's when things started going downhill.

He told me that I was the best person he ever met and that he really loved me. It went from very little communication earlier this year to no communication in May of this year. I sent him a father's day card and he left me a message at my job thanking me for the card/picture and stated how he really loves me and does not want to involve me in his situation. I really want to talk to him, but no, that is the worst thing I could do now.

What do I need to do?

Hello!

Thanks for the comments on the website (http://beingaman.com).

I fully understand what you're asking here. It seems that the men in your life should want to bring you closer when they have problems, but there's a very clear, valid reason why: it's tough to communicate with you.

Remember, I said a "clear, valid reason" - not "a good reason".

Here's the reality: men have a very difficult time putting our emotions into words. For women, this is very easy. You're actually programmed with this skill from birth. To us guys however, trying to express complicated emotions in words takes huge amounts of effort which confounds and frustrates us. Add to this the fact that we're going through a stressful problem as it is and we often don't want to make things worse by then having to work to explain to you how we feel.

There are probably other issues at play here too. For instance, divorces are EXPENSIVE. I'll bet his lifestyle has taken a very hard, very direct hit by this divorce. He probably doesn't want to have to explain all of this to you (would you?) and thus, feels better by just keeping you out of it entirely.

By the way, there actually ARE ways to get your boyfriend to talk to you about these things, but you have to make it easy for him. If you go to my website (noted above) and click on "Self Help"; there you'll find a link to "Search articles". Select that and enter "relationship questions". Finally scan down toward the bottom and you'll find a f.ree article that will tell you exactly how to help him talk about these issues with you.

Now, with that said, let's talk about your relationship.

In fact, when you're in a committed relationship with someone, you have the responsibility to keep your partner "in the loop" on these things - as difficult as that is. However, you're not going to get him to agree with this through brute force. Instead, I suggest you contact him via phone (good) or in person (best) and just say, "You know, we're together as a team and even if things aren't going really well right now, you can't just shut me out of this. I know it's hard and I'm here to help work through all of this with you - just as you'd do for me. Thus, I'm not going to accept this little "break" of yours."

Just be aware that he's going to resist this until he really knows that: a) you have his best interests at heart, and b) you're not going to make this more difficult by asking him huge, complex emotional questions about it and then pounding him for answers.

By the way, you might also want to take a look at the short video on my website breaks. Check under "BAM TV".

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Men are Dumb Too!

Last week's article focused on how women can be dumb (or at least, do dumb things) in relationships. It's not that men are dumb, but we also do a bunch of dumb things - I see them everyday!

Here are the top ten:

1) Becoming the "friend"

Almost everyone fears rejection, especially; so it would seem, single men. So, they take things to the extreme and rather than just going for what they want, they become a woman's "friend" in the hopes that she'll see what a great guy he is, fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take any risks whatsoever.

Talk about dumb! I call this "trying to work it from the inside."

Women know this game all-too-well and avoid advances by these guys like the plague. They know that these guys are insecure and that's exactly why they keep these guys around - because they aren't a threat to them. Sure, they'll bounce relationship questions off of them, ask for help, see movies and maybe even give them a gift for their birthdays, but these guys will almost never become anything more than a buddy to the girls.

Unfortunately for many guys, they don't know that women already have them figured out and they try it anyway. Then, they go through heartbreak after heartbreak watching these women date other guys and never get their chance.

2) Being "nice"

We all grew up watching cartoons or seeing shows where the nice guy finally wins the girl. While that makes for a great story, it's not how things work in the real world.

I see guys getting walked on all the time by women that would otherwise have gotten right into - or stayed in - relationships with them. These guys try to "nice" their way through dating thinking that this is the way to the woman's heart. She doesn't see him as nice at all - she sees him as weak and powerless.

What guys need to understand is that if you're nice not only women will mistreat you, but men will too! You can never be the "protector" or "provider" in a relationship because you're far too busy compromising on everything.

So, if you're not going to be nice anymore what does that make you? Well, if you think it makes you a jerk, you're wrong too!

Interestingly many women continue to complain that jerks are attracted to them. In reality, it's the WOMEN that are attracted to; and continue to seek-out, jerks. They eventually see the error of their ways and move on, but not before being hurt or taken advantage of by these guys.

What you want to be is somewhere in the middle of all of this. You need "standards" by which you expect good treatment and expect to treat others well. That doesn't mean you go to the ends of the earth to please anyone; just that you work well with others, and when others don't, you don't play some dumb game of accepting the abuse.

3) Not learning how the game is played (winging it)

Trust me, dating is a game. It has rules, time periods, a playing field, coaches (like me) and even referees, (friends, family and even the courts). Sitting down to play an evening of poker isn't going to be much fun (nor profitable) if you don't know the rules.

The real problem is that these rules aren't intuitive or obvious. You have to study them to not only learn what you should do, say, think and how to act, but exactly where you can bend the rules safely - maybe even effectively.

Here's the reality: humans are complex, emotional creatures. Our mating/dating rituals are equally complex and this information isn't learned through osmosis. In fact, it often isn't learned through just dating either as many of the things you'd expect were true just aren't. And being the experts at relationships, women love this fact!

You need to study this like you would any game or sport you're interested in. Coming to this game dumb will leave you with far more than sore muscles in the morning.

4) Not watching women's signals

Dumb men don't understand that women throw signals all the time. The dumbest men think that these signals are obvious and that they don't have to make any special effort to recognize them.

Tsk, tsk, tsk - poor, dumb bastards!

Women have evolved a very large array of signals that they use to tell men their interest - or lack thereof. The problem is that these signals are very subtle and most men don't even pick them up. The trick is first to understand why women use such subtle signals and then to learn what they are. Doing any less than this just insures that guy will remain in the dark about women.

5) Waiting too long before asking for help

I get so many letters from guys after they've destroyed any chance they had with some girl. In 9 times out of 10, if they had just contacted me earlier or read my books, they'd have landed this girl. They finally come to me and ask me how to raise the phoenix out of the ashes.

Being ignorant and trying to play a sophisticated game like dating or building relationships is just plain dumb, especially when you consider how much information there is out there nowadays. Of course, that doesn't mean its all good either. A man has to be very careful where he gets his knowledge, but with a little research and a sincere desire to be a man among great women, he can learn it and excel.

The real key is to seek help before you really need it.

6) Not closing

This is a really dumb one! Many guys get enough courage to go talk to a woman in a bar, a gym, a coffee shop or wherever, and good for them! Then, they chat up the woman and even develop some connection with her and she begins throwing all sorts of "buying signals".

Finally, his drink comes, his aerobics class starts or his latte is perfectly steamed, and he says, "Well, it was nice to meet you." Then, he turns and walks away leaving the poor girl befuddled.

Doing all this great work and not closing for a number or a date is just plain dumb! No wonder many women think so many guys are clueless! Men, here's the rule: it's your job to close! Don't expect that she's just going to shove her number in your hand if she's interested. It doesn't work that way.

7) "One-itis" or "falling in love with it before you own it"

We've all done this one. You see a car, a laptop, an MP3 player or something else that you just fall in love with and have to have. Then, you get it, take it home and in a few days wonder why you bought such a thing.

The dumb part of this story is that many guys do this with women too. They see some girl and just fall in love with her. Then, they fall all over themselves trying to convince her that he loves her enough for the both of them.

This one isn't just dumb - it's pathetic.

I love this quote: "Remember: someone somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit." So true! Trust me on this one: no woman is perfect. Not a one of them. Thinking so is just you giving away all your power and your game. Don't fall in love with a woman until she's really yours. Otherwise, you'll be writing to me asking how to make her yours after you've tortured her to death, and I'll just have to tell you how many dumb things you've done that will prevent you from ever having that woman!

8) Not having a plan

Guys are great about setting goals. We write them down and even obsess over them. However, somehow we just forget all about that great planning when it comes to our love lives. My students learn to start with clear, concise, WRITTEN goals and that nothing less will do.

There are many reasons why these are so important, but let's look at what not having them means: it means that the very first woman that walks by becomes the woman of your dreams because after all, you don't know what your dreams are and thus, she's just as good as your goals.

Women know this is dumb too! They don't want to be the woman that simply walked in front of the target. They want to be the woman of your dreams. All it takes is you knowing what those dreams are.

9) Not learning to communicate in women's language

You know those words you hear women use? Sure, they sound a lot like English, but in fact, often have very different meanings! For instance, when you say "I'm tired" it probably means that you're ready for bed. When a woman says she's tired it can mean anything from the fact that she needs sleep to her being done with the relationship!

Women often speak in an implied form of language; whereas men tend to be more direct and specific. Assuming that a woman is saying something is a sure (and dumb) way to get yourself into trouble.

10) Not directing the relationship

Here's an important rule I want you to memorize: women control the sex in the relationship, but men control the relationship itself - if they are smart.

That means, setting up a date where you know where you're going to go, what you're going to do and everything else is planned out.

Do you know what the 7 deadliest words are in the dating dictionary? It's these: "So, what do you want to do?" or "So, where do you want to eat?"

That puts a lot of pressure on a woman that is really taking up with you as part of your game! Very few women want this much responsibility and you lose points by not having things worked out ahead of time.

That also goes for entire relationships too. I love what Sharon Stone had to say: "Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships." That absolutely true, but when you realize that it's your responsibility to manage your relationship including its tone, depth and direction, suddenly everything gets easier; both for you and your girlfriend. Here's a little rule that many men don't know: women actually appreciate this and respond to it very well.

That doesn't mean however that you get to be a bossy prick! There's a very big difference between being "dominant" and "domineering". Always, always choose dominant. Doing anything else is just dumb.
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit:http://beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Women are Dumb!

Yep! That's right - women are dumb. Well ok, not all women are dumb but many of you sure do some dumb things when dating or in relationships.

I get letters every day that just make me shake my head. I have to wonder whether or not these people really want to be in happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships or if they'd rather play games, get abused, dumped or be just plain ignored.

Now, before you jump in and start telling yourself that you aren't one of these women, read on and let's see! If you've done any of these things, you might very well be a dumb woman!

1) Trying to negotiate away risks

Ok girls, reality check here: relationships are all about risk. Whenever you get involved with someone and start to fall for them you risk getting your heart broken. I'm sorry that's the way it is. If you don't, then you're avoiding investing yourself in the relationship, and you'll never have anything meaningful or fulfilling.

That's not my rule by the way - it was here long before I arrived. Men risk getting our hearts broken too just like you do. Don't ask us to take huge risks, jump through hoops or bend over backwards for you and then assure you that you'll never have to take any risks. That, my dear is just dumb!

2) Thinking you're the only girl we have our eyes on

Some men focus (actually, "fixate") on only one girl and then do everything they can to be with her. Of course, her most likely reaction is to push back because that's just far too much responsibility for any one person. These guys often wonder why women can't see what good catches they are.

On the flip side, the men women DO want to be with learn how to make you think you're the only one. That is part of our strategy with you. It doesn't mean that we won't choose you as hour exclusive partner, but don't think it's based on your great personality!

In fact, most guys that are worth your time have a number of things they want in order to trade their freedom for being with you exclusively. What are those things? Well, there are some obvious ones such as having a good, healthy sex partner, someone that's a team player, someone that has our best interests at heart, someone we find attractive, etc., but there are many others that are unique to each guy.

Here's some great advice: learn what your man wants in his life in order to willing give up his freedom and then simply be that woman. Doing anything less is dumb!

3) Telephone games

Oh, how I love this one! I get letters all the time from guys that meet great women only to not be able to get in touch with them again later - even when the woman really wants to be with him!

One example came from a nice, successful guy that met a terrific woman at a party. They really hit it off and exchanged phone numbers. Later on, they wound up in the guy's car for a make-out session. They agreed they'd meet again the next week and he said he'd call her.

Three days later, he calls her cell phone and there's no answer. He calls back again that evening and again, no answer so he leaves a message with his phone number and a request to call him back.

He doesn't hear anything from her for a week and decides to call her. Again, no answer so he leaves another message. In the meantime he meets other women and gets their phone numbers too, but wonders why, after two more weeks he never hears from the first woman. He talks with the friend that threw the party and she tells him that she just talked to the girl a few days earlier where she was raving about what a great guy he was and how she couldn't wait to see him again!

He never called her back, and neither would I. He asked me why she would do this, and I had to tell him the dumb truth - the woman didn't want to seem too interested, so she decided to be incredibly rude instead and not return his phone calls.

Ok girls, here's the rule: you return every phone call you get from anyone, and if you're interested in a guy, you initiate at least one phone call for every one that he initiates. Doing anything different isn't "strategic", it's just rude; and being rude is just, plain dumb!

4) Listening to other women to get a clear understanding of men

You read everything under the sun trying to understand men, but I suggest you look at the author's name before you take what you read as gospel. Let me give you one example of many.

One reader wrote to me asking if it was true that ".men only want women that are challenges." She got this advice from a female columnist and was afraid that if she didn't turn down her husband sometimes when he wanted something, she was actually hurting her marriage. I told her that was pretty dumb - if she did that, he was eventually going to go find someone that wasn't a challenge, and she'd lose him.

She wrote back an angry letter telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about and how all men love a challenge and told me to piss off.

I'll bet you can already guess what happened a few weeks ago. I got another letter from the same woman telling me that her husband dumped her and she wanted to know how to get him back! Now it was my turn to tell her to piss off for being so dumb!

5) Becoming a crazy drama queen, trashing ex-boyfriends or expecting too much far too early

Don't unload how much you've been hurt in your past relationships on the first date! Don't expect us to listen to your stories about your vast mental illnesses. Don't tell us about the deep, 2-month-long depression you fell into when your cat died. Don't tell us about the guy you stalked in high school and for God's sake, don't expect us to change our lives for you in order to sleep with you!

Another thing you should absolutely avoid is trashing ex's on the first, second or third date. Look, we've all had bad experiences with people of the opposite sex. Most guys don't cry about it, so you don't often hear it. On the other hand, women seem bent on telling every guy she ever dates about the one that didn't call her back.

No guy that you'd be interested in is going to put up with this for very long. We may hang around and have sex with you, but we'll be gone right afterward and you'll be left wondering what happened. We won't tell you what happened either, we'll just be looking for someone that isn't neurotic or crazy, and that doesn't expect us to spend the weekend with her folks on the 3rd date. Any of this is dumb behavior of the first degree!

6) Dating jerks

Yes, I know; you constantly wonder why jerks are so attracted to you. Here's the reality: it's not that jerks are attracted to you, it's that YOU are attracted to - and seek out - jerks!

There's something dangerous and exciting about dating these guys and you honestly believe that you can change them from being jackasses to being the good men you believe they can be.

How dumb is that? Let me tell you - its way dumb!

You first have to decide exactly what it is that you want in your life. I hope that want is a healthy, happy, loving relationship with someone that respects you - and probably many other things. Once you decide these things clearly, decide that you're not going to chase guys that don't meet this ideal.

Hanging on to some guy that mistreats you, lies to you and is generally a jerk; all in the hopes you can change him is just dumb, Dumb, DUMB!!!

7) Ignore your sexual education and put on the breaks at every turn.

No, I'm not saying you should be "easy" (whatever that is!) but you'd better have some skills - and be able to use them. You need to understand your own sexuality if you want us to understand it because we're eventually going to give up trying to figure you out. Then, we'll go find the girl that does know hers and can explain it to us.

One great example of this is the guy I answered this morning. His girlfriend of 2 years refuses to get naked in front of him, do anything but have missionary sex and won't do anything with the lights on or anywhere but the bedroom. He gives her tons of encouragement and actually likes the way she looks, but she just puts on the breaks. He's now considering his options elsewhere. Big surprise.

If you're waiting around for that one guy that is going to unlock all your sexual secrets so that you don't have to do any work on yourself, you're pretty dumb.

8) Focusing on what you get, not what you give

I love reading women's bios in personal ads. They tell you a ton about the person. They all say, "I love to have fun and laugh", (Really? Wow, I've never imagined that anyone else could want to have fun or enjoy laughing before! What a unique girl she must be!), and then they rush head-long into a list of "must haves" from the guys.

This is both dumb AND clueless!

If you don't bring anything to the table, don't be surprised when great guys don't go rushing to be with you. Trust me on this one: you can have anything you want in your life if you bring enough to the table to get it.

One female relationship expert teaches a class for women on how to meet great, wealthy men. Her first question to the class is "how many of you want to meet a man that is in the top 5% income bracket?" Instantly, 100% of the women raise their hands. Then, she asks, "Ok, how many of you are in the top 5% of women here?"

Ouch! That's a pretty brutal lesson, but it speaks volumes. It's pretty dumb to think you deserve someone great without being great yourself!

9) Laying out your agenda for us

I once went on a date with a girl that spend the first hour explaining her expectations of me - exactly when and where we'd have our first kiss, when we'd have sex, and when I should propose to her! (No kidding!) Interestingly, the date lasted exactly one hour! I was out of there simply because I couldn't stand to hear what she had in store for me during the 2nd hour! This girl was certainly dumb.

10) Trading sex for anything else

If you like a guy and want to get to know him better, feel free to have sex with him when you feel ready. However, DO NOT tell him that you want something in return for it. In other words, don't expect that he'll then jump through hoops, spend the holidays with you, take you on a trip somewhere, buy you something expensive or freely give you his undying love and propose if you'll just have sex with him.

Here's a little secret you should understand:

With most men, sex is your ticket through the door with us, but it's not the deed to the house. Extremely few men will give you their hearts until we've been intimate with you. If you put a price on that, our reaction is to hold back - and withhold our emotional selves. At that very instant, our plans usually change. We'll give you some of of what you want right up to the point to have sex with you, and then, we'll bolt.


Well, there is a list of 10 dumb things women do. It's not an exhaustive list, but it certainly should open your eyes.

Being regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

The Rules of Fidelity

Doctor Neder:

I am in a serious relationship of almost a year. We have one major problem that continues to come up. When we were first dating, we'd been out maybe a dozen times and slept together maybe 6 times, had no conversations about being exclusive and at a party I was intimate with another man. This was a one-time occurrence and my boyfriend and I continued to date and it evolved into the relationship we now enjoy.

About 6 months ago I casually mentioned this other encounter, not realizing what a big deal it would become. My boyfriend was devastated and could not believe that I would have sex with someone else while we were dating even though it was very early on and no talk of exclusivity was ever had at that point. He does not necessarily feel I cheated on him because we had never discussed it but he does feel it was morally wrong and feels very strongly that most people who are dating someone and have slept with them would wait until that relationship either tanks or progresses before being involved with anyone else. I have to mention also that my boyfriend was the first man I had slept with other than my ex husband in about 18 years and I had told him that and when he found out that I subsequently slept with this other person he found that to be very upsetting.

I did not realize until after I told him about this other incident how important it was to him to feel like he was the only other man I had slept with other than my husband (he does know I had a few partners prior to marriage but that was so long ago it does not bother him.) He feels that if I either admit to it being morally wrong (having sex with some one else while we were dating even though we did not have strong, exclusive feelings yet) or if he gets enough feed back from outside sources saying that what I did is not outside the norm or morally wrong, he will be able to move past this.

I have apologized to him repeatedly for hurting him and I understand because of his family background and religious background that this is a big deal to him, but I can't honestly say that I feel that what I did was wrong or even unusual. He thinks that normal, ethical people do not have more than one sex partner at a time and I think it happens all the time, right or wrong to all kinds of people, not just low life, slutty people. Please give your opinion and I will let him know.


Hello!

Boy, are you going to hate AND love my answer! Let's start with the hate-side first, shall we?

So, you want a pass on a technicality? Just because nobody said the words "exclusive" that makes it ok? Honestly Tracy, I think that's a pretty liberal use of that rule! Words; in fact, mean nothing. It's actions and expectations that mean everything! Consider if the tables were turned. Men are under pressure to; and have an instant expectation of acting with, "honor" as that is our roll in life. What about you? Do you think your actions were honorable? Were they respectful to your boyfriend or to your budding relationship?

Ok, I know you wrote to me because you want me to tell your boyfriend that he's wrong. In fact, you BOTH are wrong here. If you want an easy rule to remember and live by, here it is: choose actions that result in the highest and best benefit possible to those you care about. If your actions don't provide this benefit, then accept that they're wrong. Don't try to live by technicalities.

Now, let's talk about one more mistake you've made here (don't worry, I'll get to your boyfriend too - I just hope you show him the ENTIRE letter - not just the part dealing with him!)

When you make this sort of mistake - even if you realize it was wrong - you have to go back to the rule again. Do you think that telling him was to his "highest and best benefit"? Sure, you want to be totally open and honest in your relationship, but let me let you in on a little secret: that's impossible.

Such a relationship is NOT healthy or practicable. That doesn't give you a pass to lie at every turn, but there are some good lies. Lying isn't "honorable", but it is an ingrained part of our language systems. In fact, everyone lies and some of those lies help to preserve other's feelings. If you had never told him about this event (what is known as "lying through omission") things would be very different now.

Telling someone something like this only serves to hurt that other person and worse yet, it never alleviates your own guilt. If you can't live with that, then don't do it in the first place. More important, don't cause even greater harm to someone you care even if the goal is grand and lofty. You owe that person something much more.

When someone cheats in a relationship (even if it TECHNICALLY isn't cheating) BOTH people are responsible. My questions to him would include, "Well, if you felt you were in an exclusive relationship, why the hell weren't you at the party with your girlfriend?" and (to you) "What else was going on in your relationship that made you feel you could do this?", etc. In other words, while it sometimes feels really good to believe otherwise, there are no individual victims when someone cheats - everyone is culpable.

Ok, now, let's get to your boyfriend.

"Family background" and "religious background" are not reasonable foundations for ridiculous beliefs; although people use them as excuses all the time. After all, how can you argue with them?

Here's how the real world works: we all have things we don't like that happen every day. What we do is become mature enough to deal with them because doing so creates a greater good. We don't whine and pout when things don't go our way. We accept them, look for the benefits and move on. That's what your boyfriend needs to do here.

You cheating on him wasn't the end of the world - or the relationship, but if he continues to carry these ridiculous standards, THAT will be the end of the relationship. Ultimately, if he can't get over this, he should just cut his losses and move on. Before he makes that decision however, he'd better realize how very difficult it's going to be to find someone that lives up to his utopian dreams.

Then, he also needs to see his own hypocrisy! This isn't so much about how many sex partners you've had - what about your divorce? I'll bet his religion looks unfavorably on divorces too (most do!) What about him? Was he a virgin when he met you? God forbid HE actually was married before! Before he casts stones, he'd better make sure his own pond is clean.

Here's the bottom line: he needs to get over this, man up and stop sniveling about it. It's been 6 months already!! Either let it go and move on, or wallow in it alone for the rest of his sad, pathetic life. The rest of us adults have our own table to eat at.

Being regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Keeping My Boyfriend Sexually Attracted

Dr. Neder:

I read one of your articles about how to keep my boyfriend interested in me sexually. You said to try to change things up but honestly I feel like I just want to be myself because if he fell in love with who I am then why should I change just for him to show interest in me again?

He says that he would like a challenge and play hard to get sometimes and to tell him no more but, I feel like I'm playing games and I'm not exactly into it. Please try to help me figure out a way to get his interest back for me without me having to feel like I have to put on an act and be someone I'm not.

Hello!

Let me tell you a little story:

One day, this inventor created the world's greatest mousetrap. Never before had anyone ever seen anything so impressive! He was very proud of his work and just knew that he'd become a multi-millionaire because of how great his new invention was.

The problem was that nobody bought it.

If it was so great, why didn't anyone buy it? Simple: it cost $200 each and was so complicated to use that nobody could figure it out.

So, rather than change his mousetrap, he went about trying to convince everyone how great it was, but they didn't listen to him. They said nice things to placate him, but in fact, they still didn't buy his mousetrap.

Finally, as an old man at the end of his life, he was just bitter that everyone else was "stupid" and just couldn't see his vision.

..and everyone kept buying mousetraps for $1 that were "good enough".

So, why did I tell you that story? You're becoming that inventor. You're convinced that your boyfriend should just like everything about you without you having to change or grow or do anything. You shouldn't give him what he's asking for because it means you have to do some work.

So, one day, he'll dump you and go find some woman that WILL give him what he wants. Then, you'll be left bitter and unhappy, believing that he's "stupid" for not knowing what he had. Unfortunately, he'll never know what he had because all he could see (and remember) was that girlfriend that didn't want to put out any effort to be what he needed and she figured it should just be "good enough".

There is nothing in this world that is more wasteful that this sort of attitude. It's not an "act" or a put-on or anything like that to be what your boyfriend wants you to be! In fact, it's all about relationship management.

Sure, you don't want to have to be the only one that works hard to manage your relationship, but that doesn't mean it takes no work whatsoever! Every relationship takes work and you know exactly what work yours needs. You should be very happy that your boyfriend actually TOLD you what he wants - many guys (and girls!) just think you should already know and get angry when you don't!

Now, with all of that said, I'd caution you to get the REAL story from your boyfriend. Honestly, I seriously doubt that he always wants you to tell him "no". Maybe he wants that once in a great while, but trust me; no man wants to have to constantly work for his partner's affection!

This is likely his way of telling you something else. What that is, I don't specifically know. Perhaps he wants to you to take on a character that challenges him where he has to become a little more aggressive with you or something like that.

Be careful about reading in the wrong thing here - go talk to him instead! Communication is THE aphrodisiac. Get a very clear picture of what he wants and then simply become that woman. You'll never lose him if you do this, but you're actually showing him the door if you don't.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How Much Is Sex Worth?

Dear Dr. Neder:

I'm 23 years old and I met this guy (25) about 6 months ago and we really hit it off. He's absolutely perfect! We got along great and started dating and things turned physical pretty quickly. I've decided to wait until I'm married before I'll have sex but we made out and generally played around. We would see each other 2-3 times a week and always did fun things together.

Now, it has been two weeks since I heard from him! I called him and left a message and have been sending him cute little emails, but he won't respond. Do you think this is because I wouldn't have sex with him? Do you think he's met someone else? Is he mad at me?

Please help - this is killing me!

Hello!

First of all, I never learned to read minds so I can't tell you what this is all about. If everything else was "perfect" in your relationship however and he just took off and you haven't heard from him, I'll bet it's due to the sex - or lack thereof.

I'm always concerned when I hear that someone wants to wait until they get married to start learning about sex; and trust me on this one: you can not learn it from a book or from friends or TV or even from videos. Sex takes hands-on experience; and potentially, many partners and many years in order to learn all that goes into it.

Many women mistakenly believe that the "perfect guy" will come along and just unlock all their doors. I'm afraid it doesn't work this way at all. YOU have to first unlock all those doors for yourself, and that takes many years of practice. Then and only then can you teach some guy all about your own personal sexuality in order for him to know how to please you in bed. Men on the other hand have to discover a very important truth: women are far more complicated sexually than they are.

No doubt you've heard that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and while that may be true, trust me on this one: its right up there in the top 3! Let's say that you get a job but only have 2 of the 3 skills you need to do that job. Do you think you'll be employed for very long? Don't count on it! A bad relationship will stay together if the sex is really good, but if the sex is bad, even a good relationship won't survive it.

Frankly, I think that staying a virgin is a huge mistake. You're not learning the skills you need in order to keep your marriage going - and growing. Sure, you might get lucky, but even among those couples that ARE sexual and that DO learn these skills, ½ of them wind up divorced. You're just increasing those odds through your choices. Even worse; as I often tell men: a sexless courtship usually leads to a sexless marriage!

Let me try to give you some insight into how men work:

Men have a built-in "window of opportunity" when it comes to being in relationships. Like you, many men want to invest their hearts and get yours in return. So far, that seems reasonable, right?

Now, here's the kicker: very few men will invest their hearts in you if they haven't been with you physically! This isn't a conscious act however - it's pre-wired into us. We have an internal need to be "complete" with you before we'll risk our emotional sides. More important, you have limited time in order for this to happen. This is that "window" I spoke about.

Men control the relationship itself, but you (as the woman) control the sex in the relationship. That's just the way it is and nobody is particularly surprised by that fact. However, if you continue to turn him down when he asks (politely, I hope!) all you're doing is telling him that you're not going to give him what he needs in order to be with you emotionally. Worse yet, you expect your own emotional needs to be met! Do you see the disconnect here?

Eventually, that window will close and he'll move on emotionally to find someone he can be complete with. He'll likely agree to have sex with you even after all of this, but you'll never have his heart. He'll save that for someone else that isn't so focused on their own needs or that has a better, healthier attitude toward sex - and their own roll in it!

Now, here's the worst news: you don't know how long that window will be open as it's different for each guy! For some it might be just a few dates, for others it might be 6 months or even a year - you won't know!

What I suspect is that this guy's window was about 6-months long. He finally got tired of never being able to move things forward with you, and thus, simply gave up. If you went to him today and asked him about all of this, I doubt he'd be able to describe it to you as we guys generally aren't good with all this complicated emotional stuff. However, trust me that this description is pretty accurate.

The ultimate question is this: when do you know that you're "ready" to have sex with someone? That's a far more difficult question to answer and will be different for every woman. What you need to do is determine when you're ready to move things forward with someone; when you're ready to give yourself and to get from him

Sex is a natural part of a strong, healthy relationship - whatever the format (marriage, dating, living together, etc.) Sex is NOT a bargaining chip you have to get what you want however! If you try to use it that way, you'll lose every time. It's something that two people share when they have things to communicate that mere words can't convey. It's when they are ready to invest themselves intimately - but rationally - into the other person. If you never feel this way with someone, that person isn't the right one for you.

So, you need to ask yourself this: how much is virginity worth to you? How much is sex worth to you? How much is a good, solid, healthy relationship worth to you? Once you have a good handle on these things and where most men fit in them, you'll have a good understanding of what went wrong with this relationship.

Best regards.
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World tm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

I'm A Snoop

Hello -

This is questions requires some background information.

My ex-boyfriend and I just broke up about a month ago after a two-year relationship because he got into medical school 7 hours from home, and I can't move because I had accepted a really great job. We decided that long distance would just tear us apart right now since everything is so new, so a break would be good for us both. Leading up to the break was tough, because we fought really hard to stay together, but in the end we knew a break was inevitable.

When we broke up, my boyfriend told me that I am the right person, but just it's the wrong time. We're young and need to establish ourselves. I totally agree, and thought he was really telling the truth. He's never lied to me, and I never thought he would, until...

I asked a mutual friend what my ex really thought about us breaking up and he told me that my ex really did believe he could see us getting back together one day. But me, being the insecure girl, had to know FOR SURE. So, I checked my ex's email. We both know each others' passwords, and I've never had a reason to check until now. I feel awful, but I never thought I'd find anything like this...

I found multiple emails from a woman he works with. They started the day after he and I broke up. She confessed her love for him, and now he's VERY into it. Thing is, she is 30, married, and has two young children. He is 23, single and off to medical school this fall.

He's talking about wanting to be with her, and she wants to leave her husband. It's unreal. Just totally, unreal.

It's hard knowing this information when he still tries to talk to me. I told him I'd call him a week after week broke up, but I didn't. He texted me twice and emailed, asking why I haven't talked to him. I just can't when I know what's really going on.

I have no idea what's going on with him. I don't even know him anymore. Is this a coping mechanism? Rebound? I would just like your thoughts!


Hello!

Why, oh why did you snoop into your ex's email?? Don't you know: crimes of privacy are the WORST crime you can commit in any relationship? This is even worse than cheating!

In fact, you really don't know what the context of all those emails is. You don't know it from the "inside" any more than someone knows what went on in your relationship with him. Even worse, you've harmed yourself in the process - and likely damaged this relationship far beyond repair. Even if he never knows about this snooping (which I hope you have the good sense NOT to tell him about it), you still have to live with the knowledge of having done it - and your own tortured thoughts about what it all means. Jackie, he can never know about this - you're going to have to bear the burden for having been too nosy and insecure. It's not fair to unload this on him now for you being a jackass.

I don't read minds, and thus, I can't tell you what it all means. I know one thing: there is no such thing as a "rebound relationship". That's just a sound-byte that many people use to explain complicated emotional situations like yours.

I suggest that you just let this go and get healed. Let him go off to medical school and get focused on your new job. Maybe in a few years you and he can rebuild a friendship, but frankly, I doubt even this. Until you get healed however, you're always going to be burdened with this image in your own head. Unfortunately, it was self-inflicted and totally unnecessary.

The good news is that once you do get healed, you'll then be ready for a new relationship with someone else and you'll (hopefully) have learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

am 26 years old woman, married for about 3 years. I am a positive person with self-esteem and confidence in the future. I have a great CV with high education and experience. However it is not easy to find good income work in the country I live in where most good positions rely on networking. Nonetheless, I really try hard to have a career and am positive that I will succeed. I do not ask for much in life, just the usual middle-class dream: flat, family, car, holidays. I often feel guilty for wanting these mainly material things and am very worried that due to my low income will never be able to have even half.

I am married to a kind and funny man, 2 years older than me. We both come from middle-class families but different backgrounds as I am from a different country and my parents educated me in a different way. Just like my husband, I was given lots of love but in addition my parents also had expectations for me and were quite intellectual. My mum is a very strong, achieving woman who was always my role model. My husband's parents were not very worried about their son's future. They didn't push him, strive to give him independence or talk to him about his plans. His mother is a home-maker and his father had a well-paid job. They have a 30 yr old daughter that still lives with them. They are good people and they found it difficult to accept that their son, when only 25 decided to get married. They have accepted me though. Unfortunately I still haven't accepted them! I see them as small-minded people (and quite xenophobic actually) with a good heart. I wanted a bit more from my in-laws. Since I live in a very family-dependent society I cannot easily get over having them as in-laws. We don't fight but I really feel so alien, so not-my-self when with them.

My husband has a university degree without many career choices. He was neither lucky nor ambitious in his career. He thinks of work as a necessary evil, something that simply pays your bills. He has a low-income job with no prospect of advancement. However, this doesn't make him unhappy as he has more free time and can dedicate himself to other free time activities. In a way I admire him for his humbleness but on the other hand he is my husband and I do expect him to be a bit more ambitious and to plan ahead. He constantly repeats that even though things didn't work out for him, that they may work out for me and that he will always be there for me. However, I feel that this has put an additional strain on me to be the bread-winner. Now, since we live in the 21 century and I strongly believe in the power of women I feel that a modern inverted marriage like this one should be given a chance. However, I am very afraid because no matter how hard I try, my reality is that of an immigrant woman (outsider), without any contacts and that my chances of success are smaller. I feel that I am with a man I love but my pragmatic head tells me that he has no future prospects or dreams and that I will end up being unhappy. It happened to my mum, my dad turned out to be a great financial and emotional burden and she still has so many issues as a result. Both she and I are afraid it will happen to me as well.

In summary my biggest problem is that I really love a man with whom I am not sure I can share my life (in terms of practical money matters). Of course, it is much better than being alone. My chances of having the good life alone are far worse off. However, I feel that alone I would at least have no one to demand things from, no one to blame on but myself. I feel that it is not fair to expect my husband to fulfill all my pragmatic needs. He knows all the things I want from life and in response he says that although he cannot give them to me, it helps him lot and that he prefers to be nagged than to be abandoned. I really think that if I left him I would ruin his life.

I have already tried to break up but the pain for both of us was so strong that we decided to stay. I really don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you


Hello!

There are really a lot of issues at play here. Let me try to address them all:

First of all, you paint a picture of yourself as having meager expectations; somehow far less than others in your peer group, but in fact, you put a lot of emphasis on these things and I think you're not being fair to your husband or especially, your in-laws. They have chosen the path they're on and frankly I think your expectations of them are unreasonable. You really don't have the right to judge their choices nor to expect them to have your dreams or values in life. Give them a break and cherish them as part of your family rather than judging their choices. This is a good start on helping to relieve some of this tension.

What I gleaned from your letter is that your wants and your husband's wants don't match. You put a high (or at least a higher) value on things he does not. The problem isn't with your level of success, but that your expectations and dreams don't match. In relationships, these things rarely do. Being married is all about compromise - you don't always get what you want, but then, neither does your husband. As a team, you have to find a way through these differences and work on a balance you both can live with. I'm sure you've heard the old cliché that "relationships take work", but I'll bet you've never sat down to really consider what this means. Well, this is what it means - you have to work together to set goals and those goals won't always match, but when you get them written, you divide up the work and get to it. This includes not just financial issues, but emotional, family, friends, careers and even housework.

Now, let's talk about a little reality here.

The feminist concept of the "power of women" and the inverted marriage, etc., are mostly a load. They make great sound bites and just roll off the tongue so easily that they seem real and sometimes even logical, but in fact, there is a very powerful force working against these things - nature.

Just because some women decided to burn their bras 40 years ago doesn't mean that erases millions of years of evolution! Women are pre-wired in very specific ways (and so are men by the way.) Part of this is to expect your man to "provide" for you and the family. The image of the strong man that produces is a staple of women's literature both then and now. Gee...I wonder why that is so?

Here's why: it feeds some very specific internalized needs for women. This isn't to say that women don't want to be successful on their own rights too. People of either gender want to have foundational respect and pride - even your husband - but I'll bet that; even though you didn't come right out and say it that your sex life is also suffering because of this. You probably don't find yourself as sexually attracted to your husband as you once did. I have a little rule called the "nagging ratio" which basically states that the more a wife nags, the less sex there'll be in direct proportion. If you're to get this all back on track, you've got to realize that the nagging has to stop. Even if you want things really badly, you have to catch yourself and realize that nagging will never make them happen.

Now it also appears that you've both chosen career paths that won't get you to your (personal) financial goals. This isn't just your husband, but your choices as well. I'm sure you love your chosen field, but part of those sorts of decisions include lifestyle. If you can't get a job, you're not going to have the lifestyle you want. Period. What that means is that your plan doesn't fit your goal. When that happens, your goals cannot change (or it's not a real goal - it's a dream instead), the plan has to chance. In other words, you need to be looking at a different career choice.

This also goes for your husband too! For him to just squeak by and not be enthusiastic about his work is a tragedy - not because it doesn't get you want you want, but because he's going to spend a large amount of his life there. He at least should love what he does and maybe even look forward to going to work!

Now, here's the great news: you both are still very young. Your futures aren't written on a stone tablet somewhere. In fact, you can make all sorts of life choices - and change them as many times as you want - but here's the trick: do it together as a team. As you begin working together, you're going to find that your relationship directly improves because you no longer look at things day to day, but for the long-term. You share a common direction, and even better you'll share common rewards. How can your relationship NOT improve?

Where you go from here is up to you, but change your focus from what you don't have to where you (as a couple) are going. Make the rewards of a better life contingent on how well you work together as a couple and everything's going to improve.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Lying is Bad

Lying is Bad - Um-Kay?

Doc:

I met my girlfriend online and we've been together for about 3 months (we're both in our 30's.) When we first started going out, I was dating another girl from online too. I was not attracted to this other girl romantically but thought she could be a friend. The problem is I lied to my girlfriend several times when I hung out with this other girl because I didn't want my girlfriend to worry. I never crossed the line with this other girl. A week ago, somehow my girlfriend found out about my lies and was very upset, she couldn't understand how you can lie to someone you love. She said she couldn't trust me any more and thinks we should break up. I admitted my bad judgment and repeatedly apologized for my mistake and promised it will never happen again. I asked her to give us one more try but she said she feels more comfortable to be my friend.

I insisted on seeing her and talk about it. She said she needs more time to get over this and reluctantly agreed to see me in one month. She's not local so I'm flying to see her next month. She made it clear that she wants me to stay in her basement and not with her. Do you think I still have a chance to save the relationship? I don't know whether she agreed to see me to deliver the breakup message more clearly or she still hasn't decided about us. It's been 2 weeks and she's not taking my calls and only communicates occasionally with me through email. I love her so much and everything has been perfect if it were not for the lies. I think she may be particularly sensitive to this because her ex was seeing another girl and lied to her which led to their breakup. I understand she may feel like she cannot believe anything I said to her before anymore. What should I do now? What can I say or do to make her trust me again? Is her behavior (avoiding me, not calling me, etc.) a gradual way to shut me out of her life or she really hasn't decided what to do? Please help. She means everything to me. I believe she loves me too.

Hello!

Oh man - what the hell????

My brother, you've made a total mess out of this! This isn't about "trust" at all! You're going in the wrong direction here completely. Unfortunately, your girlfriend is walking all over you in stiletto heels and you're helping her keep her balance!!

I promise that I'm not going to pound on you for this entire response, but you need to see what you're doing wrong here and get it fixed right away:

1) You have a long-distance relationship ("LDR"). This alone may be enough to totally kill off anything. LDR's NEVER work out!! Are you trying to tell me that you can't find a great girl right there in your own backyard and that you could only find someone an airplane's ride away? That's absurd!

2) You've lied. Big fucking deal!!! Do you honestly believe that she hasn't lied to you? Let me be clear here: yes, absolutely, positively, she has lied to you about something. I don't know what that is and I don't care; nor am I going to go into all the facts and research about this, but trust me, you've been lied to as well. EVERYBODY lies! If they claim that they haven't, they're lying to you!!!

Worse yet, you lied to protect her feelings over nothing! You knew she wouldn't be able to handle your female friend and simply tried to protect her! Her actions make it obvious that she couldn't handle the truth, but somehow YOU think that YOU'RE the one in the wrong here! No, you are NOT in the wrong here. She is!

Ok, lying is bad, ("ummm-kay??") I'm sure your mother wouldn't approve, but she wouldn't disown you either! This girl is holding your feet to the fire as though you're a serial killer or something! Worse part: you're helping her to do it! Put your shoes back on, big guy!

3) She's using the lying as a "trust issue". It's not, and here's why: it's just a convenient "Test" for her. I talk about "The Test" in my first and second books. You need to understand what The Test is and how to handle it. You DON'T handle it by just rolling over and taking a beating! You handle it by dealing with it as the Test that it is - it's nothing more than misdirection, pure and simple.

4) She set up the rules and you're acting like a whipped little puppy trying to jump through hoops in order to make up for your own guilt. She pulls the "friends" crap on you, tells you that you have to sleep in the basement, won't take your phone calls (all of which is just pure abuse) and you're going back for more!

Damn it! Stop this crap right now! It's time to man-up and end all this abuse. Is this treatment really the relationship you've always dreamed of? Is this really all you think you deserve? You've only been seeing her (long-distance, I might add) for 3 months! Now you feel guilt and remorse (totally out of proportion by the way) and are just acting like a scared little boy.

Here's what you need to do; and I just hope to God you do it:

First, call her up and don't worry if she picks up or not. If it goes to voice mail, all the better! Just say:

"Hey, it's me. Don't clean up the basement, I'm not going to be there in a month. If you want to deal with this, get your ass on the next flight and get over here yourself. I'm not your 'buddy' or your 'friend' or your 'whipping boy' any longer - and I'm never going to be. I'm your boyfriend and I expect you to treat me with that consideration and respect."

"I'm tired of this emotional abuse you're trying to inflict on me. Frankly, it's despicable and I held you in much higher regard than this, but obviously, you're proving me wrong. I don't need an abuser in my life - I want a caring, loving girlfriend and I won't settle for anything less."

Don't ask her to call you back - and don't worry if she doesn't! Frankly, I sincerely doubt she won't, but that's not really the point here.

Nobody (even a so called "girlfriend") is going to treat you with respect if you don't believe you deserve it. Here was a case where you did almost NOTHING wrong (except a little, white lie in order to protect her feelings) and she just jumped on it like a hungry wolf would a chicken. Then, you compounded the problem rather than ending it before it got blown up out of proportion and now you're scared of losing a girlfriend.

She's not going to love you or trust you or care about you until you do these things yourself - for yourself. If she's "over the edge" in her own rage that's NOT your problem! That's HER problem and she's going to lose a great guy that just learned a valuable lesson about women and relationships.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Girl's: Learn How to Say Yes!

Girls: Learn How To Say "Yes"!


Hello Dr. Neder:

This guy in my class has been flirting with me all semester. When he first approached me I was reading on the grass. He introduced himself to me, mentioned that we were in class together and sat down and started talking to me. Some small talk (mostly him asking questions about myself) was followed by him inviting me to join him for coffee in the student center, but I declined because I didn't know him that well nor did I know whether or not I liked him.

As the semester has gone on I've gotten to feel a lot more comfortable around him and now I would like to go out with him. Only problem is, he hasn't asked me again! I waited and waited for him to ask and nothing. I thought back to whether or not I gave him the right signals. I would say I was receptive to what he did (smiled when he smiled, answered when he spoke or asked me questions about myself), but it was rare that I initiated anything except a couple of goodbyes after class was over. I have to admit I did play hot/cold a couple of times however, the guys I talked to say when a girl you like is receptive to any of your advances that is usually enough to move things forward. Part of me thinks he was too subtle and I only see him in class so he would have an audience of our classmates as well as my girlfriends if he asked me again. That is probably what is stopping him.

The last day of class is coming up soon. I've thought about offering him my phone number, but I think a few things are stopping me and I want to get your opinion/thoughts from a guy's view on each of them.

1) If a guy is interested in you he will ask you out. Since this guy hasn't asked me for my phone number or brought up going out again, maybe he isn't interested enough and just likes flirting.

2) I'm going to come across as desperate or too aggressive if I offer him my number. Usually the guy is the one to come after me and it is rare that I would offer my number without him asking. I almost feel like that puts me in the pursuer role and I don't know how comfortable I am with that.

3) I'm not really sure how to even approach the topic. Should I say something about the coffee offer (that was almost 2 months ago) or should I just write my digits on a piece of paper and hand it to him? I don't want to go into a big speech and the least words the better because I feel like we have an audience (the class). This is hard enough to do without an audience (if I decided to do it).

Any thoughts, opinions, or advice you can give me would be beneficial. Again, my class meets in two days for the last time and I either need to get brave or bag it for good.

Hello!

How well do you have to know someone - or know that you like them - in order to have coffee with them??? That is sure an odd "standard" indeed! In fact, you should use the exact opposite approach. Only turn down coffee if you absolutely DO NOT like someone - not when you don't know! Otherwise, how else will you find out if you like them or not?

Further, what in the hell is with this game of hot/cold? Yes, I know that you girls somehow think this will make or keep a guy's interest, but as a guy I'm here to tell you this simply makes us want to find someone - anyone - else! Trust me on this one: I don't care what your guy-friends have told you, this IS NOT enough! Why would some guy constantly risk rejection from you? Answer: they won't.

Now, guess what? You've created a situation where he's not going to ask you out - even if you really turn on the interest! Great job if you want to stay single the rest of your life! What this really means now is that YOU are going to have to do the work instead of letting him do it if you really want to see this guy outside of class!

Let me now answer your specific questions:

1) This guy DID ask you out - he invited you to coffee! You said "no" (because of some dumb rule about "liking him before drinking coffee in his presence".) You should have taken him up on it then.

2) You're so worried about looking desperate and agressive that you don't even look available! As I said before, this "hot/cold" game constantly works against you girls, but you do it anyway. Is this something you read in Cosmo or something? Remember: those mags are written by WOMEN, not men! If you want to know what a man thinks, ask one (oh wait - you DID - you're asking me!)

3) The only reason you now have to be "brave" is because you blew it originally! I hope you take this away as a lesson. Stop playing the games already! Just be upfront and a little brave. Your social life will only improve because of it.

What you need to do immediately is to go up to him (forget the coffee incident) and say, "Here's my number. I hope you'll call me after finals so we can get together."

I know, I know, this is a lot more difficult than if you'd just have said, "yes" in the beginning - right?

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

The Cowardice of "Taking Breaks"

The Cowardice of "Taking Breaks"



Hey Doc!

I've been going out with this girl for 3 months now after trying to get with her for about 7. Before we got together she said she didn't want to date me because she loved me but "wasn't in love with me". She later said she was in love with me but still didn't want to let her guard down.

We finally got together and everything was going fine until last night. She dropped a bombshell when she said she needs a week break to find out how she truly feels. I feel betrayed by this and angry but I still love her. She says that in a week she hopes she comes back to me saying that she misses me and wants me back and I hope that it happens like that too.

Am I placing false hope in thinking there is a happy ending in here or could it be just that she needs this space as everything is coming at once? How can I make her fall in love with me while she thinks things through without taking away her space?

Hello!

If you're content to let her lead everything here, then, yes, you're placing false hopes in the outcome. She's on the exit-plan on you're holding the door for her!

People, (or, as I like to call them: "cowards") are misusing this "break" thing within relationships to protect themselves and harm others. I hope that everyone that reads this learns how to handle the "break" properly; whether you're the one that's asking for it, or that's having it inflicted upon you!

A "break" is a very specific thing. It has very clear rules, goals and a timeframe. It is used exceedingly rarely and only with the mutual agreement of both parties. No one person in a relationship can call for a break! She gave you the timeframe (which frankly, few people do), but everything else is left up in the air.

That's not a "break", it's a "staged break up".

Let me ask you: would you cut a dog's tail off piece by piece? Of course not, that would be cruel! You'd do it all at once and get it over with. It's just as cruel to break up with someone in stages, but that's exactly what cowards do. First, they take breaks. Then, they stop answering the phone or returning email or voice mail. Then, they just let the other person find out that they're dating someone else. I have no respect for anyone of any gender that does this - and neither should you.

Do you know what else cowards do? They let someone abuse them with these so called "breaks" because they are afraid to stand up for themselves and make things happen in their relationships. They are afraid of losing someone so they tip-toe around everything and suffer alone, by themselves instead of standing up and taking the wheel to craft a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

In any relationship you're going to be in, you're the man (right?) That means that you have both certain responsibilities AND certain rights. Regardless of what the feminists would have you believe, we are not all absolutely alike (well, at least they want you to believe that until it works to their political advantage to be different - see my latest "Hate Mail" article on my website for an example of this!)

As the man, it's YOUR job to control the relationship and give it a direction. You need to get that picture firmly implanted in your brain. As soon as you start doing this, you're going to stop being a victim of women that already know this fact.

When she said that she wanted to take a one-week break, your response should have been, "Absolutely not. Either we're in this together and we're going to work out our problems as the team that we are, or you're going to walk out that door right now, realizing that you're not welcome back. The choice is yours, but make it right now - not in one week!"

Do you think she would have reacted differently if you'd said this to her? I'll bet she would have! More important, you'd have a totally different relationship right now and wouldn't have even written to me. Now all you can do is hope that she "gets the religion" of your relationship and comes back to do what you should have done in the first place.

I'm being a little hard on you, but let's face it - you didn't handle this very well and with some minor backbone, you can turn any relationship problem into an advantage where you grow together - not apart. But that, my brother, is YOUR job as the man in this - or any relationship.

Let's talk for a moment about your next step. Unfortunately, it's not as strong as you could have had in the beginning, but your next step should be to NOT give her space. You need to contact right away and tell her that you're not going to play this game with her. Either she's in or she's out - there are no gray areas here.

If she's in, she's going to benefit by having the support of her team to get through everything. If she's out, she's on her own, but SHE TOO has responsibilities here - it's not just you!

Once she makes her decision, your stress is all gone. If she decides that she's out, then so be it. Take it away from her and let her experience that on her own. You get to see things with a new, clear eye. At the absolute worst, you walk away with your head high and get to look for someone that recognizes quality. Just because her tastes are something far less shouldn't affect you in any way - that's her problem, not yours!

However, if you approach her with this sort of strength, I'll bet she's going to change her attitude 100%. Why? Because she's not going to want to lose the benefit of the strength that you'll have shown her. If she needs support, you're proving to her that you're the guy that'll give it to her in this one simple step!

The choice is yours, but regardless your responsibilities in a relationship don't change; only attitudes and understanding do.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How to Not Impress Women With Gifts

How to NOT Impress Women With Gifts


Hi Doc!

This girl I know casually through work invited me to a party. I am going to give her a nice perfume that costs about $100. Is that a good idea? She also said there will be lots of girls there. How do I start a conversation with a girl in a party and get her phone number? This is a big opportunity for me - please help!

Hello!

DO NOT give her that gift!!!!

Why would you give someone something so huge to someone you barely know? You're not going to impress her at all - you're going to make her feel creepy!

What are you trying to do here exactly? Are you trying to buy her interests in you? Do you really believe that if you spend this much money on her that she's going to feel obligated to go out with you? Trust me on this one: she may thank you, but she's never going to invite you to any more parties! Nor is any girl there going to think you're some hero because you did this. It's just creepy!

Instead, come up with a nice, simple gift and maybe a card that says that you are happy to celebrate her birthday. Keep it simple! If you come up with something thoughtful that costs around $25, you're going to really come off as clever; especially if it somehow relates to how you know her.

What you're asking me is a very large, involved question! I given entire seminars and have books, CD's and DVD's that go into the approach, pick-up and close! It's not something I can give you in just one - or 100 emails!

However, I'll give you this: when you see a girl you're interested in, go up to her and ask her how she knows the girl that's having the birthday. Are they friends or family? Have they known each other for a long time? What does she do for a living? Where is she from?, etc. Get to know the girl - don't talk about yourself other than when she asks you questions.

Plan to spend no more than 10 minutes with any one girl, and at the end, just say, "Hey, it was nice to talk to you. Let's do this again some time. Here, write down your phone number and we'll get together." Then, just hand her a blank piece of paper and a pen. DO NOT hand her a page with someone else's phone number on it! Then, when she writes down her digits, make sure you get her name on it, then, excuse yourself and go meet someone else.

In the meantime, be sure to write down information you learned about the girl on the page along with her number. That way, you'll remember it when you call her later.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

10 - Steps to Constructive Arguing

10-Steps To Constructive Arguing


Hi Doc!

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I am planning to marry her in 5 years. She fulfills every criterion as my soul mate except one point: sometimes when she is under pressure even the slightest thing can set her off. She goes to the extreme saying hurtful things. She can't take even the slightest pressure in her life and then start to say harsh things like, "You NEVER understand how I felt!"

When I try to talk things out with her and most of the time I am willing to listen and try to calm her down but she just disagrees rather than trying to listen to what I suggest. She doesn't have a mental problem but she cannot take things rationally and things start to get out of hand.

I'm normally a very calm person but I can't deal with her need to take everything to the extreme. Whenever we finish arguing and begin to talk things over everything calms down. I want to stop this problem permanently and I hope that you can give me some help.

Hello!

I fully understand what you're staying here. This is one of the most frustrating things us guys have to deal with in relationships with women.

It might help to understand that women are often bundles of conflicting emotions. We guys tend to get these emotions under control and often are able to think through them logically without just reacting. Many women have difficulty in doing this - especially when things get heated. So, they tend to just react rather than take a deep breath and be careful with what they say and do.

Relationships are delicate things and it's entirely possible that a single overreaction can tear them apart. It's for this reason that women really HAVE to learn to control these emotional outbursts and to not overreact.

It's common for women to use huge emotional words like "NEVER" and "ALWAYS" when they are angry. In fact, you might have made a mistake (just as we all do), but it's not that you "NEVER" treat her with respect, or that you "ALWAYS" yell at her. At that moment she can't think of anything else and rather than trying to calm down and direct her emotions towards something that's healthy, she just blurts it out. Once something is said, you can't un-say it and the damage is done.

For these reasons, couples need to learn how to argue with each other. When you get angry or hurt is NOT the time to figure this out! Thus, you have to do it when you're both in a calm, loving spirit. Here are my basic rules of engagement:

1) Never fight when you're angry. If possible, agree that you'll go off and let the biggest emotional elements calm down before you talk about the problem.

2) Never fight when you're tired. I know you've heard the stupid advice, "Don't go to bed angry", but in fact, when you're tired, you're not going to give this the best effort. Further, some sleep will often help to put things in perspective.

3) When you argue or fight, always realize that you're doing this together as a team in order to improve aspects of the relationship - not to harm the other person. We all want revenge, but revenge has no place in relationships!

4) Make sure you have enough time to sit down and really deal with the problems. Decide CLEARLY AND SPECIFICALLY what the issue is! Then, deal ONLY WITH THAT ISSUE!!! NO bringing in other past problems and no creating new ones. You're there to ONLY deal with the one issue.

5) Further, it's usually only one person that is hurt or angry at the actions of the other. If you or your girlfriend are the one that is upset, you MUST NOT bring in any other issue right now. Agree that you'll deal with other issues later, but for now, you're going to talk about just this one thing.

6) When you talk - use "committee courtesy". That means, that one person gets to talk until they are finished. Even if they take long pauses between thoughts, they still have the "floor" until they give it up. The other person can take notes of they want to and address everything that is said, but the speak MUST STAY ON TOPIC. They cannot bring in other elements other than the one at hand.

7) When the speaker is talking about the problem, they can only use words like "I feel" and "I believe" or "I want". They can NEVER say "You did" or "You are" or "You act", etc. They have to deal only with personal feelings.

8) When a person is NOT speaking, they must be listening! By "listening", I mean "active listening". That is when you can take what the other person says and paraphrase it with the same meaning, but in your own words. In fact, it's a good idea to do this often. You might first ask if you can restate the issue and then do it in another way, asking if your understanding is correct.

9) If things get emotionally charged, either partner can ask for a "break". This is a 10-minute cooling-off period, where you get a drink or a snack and come back to it afterward.

10) Finally, always remember: this is all about growing the relationship, not getting revenge or trying to make up for hurts. Everyone is inconsiderate some times. Everyone has missed expectations some times. This is normal in relationships. It's how you deal with them that's important.

There are 10 rules of "fair and constructive fighting" in relationships. Sit down with your girlfriend and agree together that you'll use them to build, not tear down your relationship, and you'll make it to your 5-year goal - and beyond.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.