Last week's article focused on how women can be dumb (or at least, do dumb things) in relationships. It's not that men are dumb, but we also do a bunch of dumb things - I see them everyday!
Here are the top ten:
1) Becoming the "friend"
Almost everyone fears rejection, especially; so it would seem, single men. So, they take things to the extreme and rather than just going for what they want, they become a woman's "friend" in the hopes that she'll see what a great guy he is, fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take any risks whatsoever.
Talk about dumb! I call this "trying to work it from the inside."
Women know this game all-too-well and avoid advances by these guys like the plague. They know that these guys are insecure and that's exactly why they keep these guys around - because they aren't a threat to them. Sure, they'll bounce relationship questions off of them, ask for help, see movies and maybe even give them a gift for their birthdays, but these guys will almost never become anything more than a buddy to the girls.
Unfortunately for many guys, they don't know that women already have them figured out and they try it anyway. Then, they go through heartbreak after heartbreak watching these women date other guys and never get their chance.
2) Being "nice"
We all grew up watching cartoons or seeing shows where the nice guy finally wins the girl. While that makes for a great story, it's not how things work in the real world.
I see guys getting walked on all the time by women that would otherwise have gotten right into - or stayed in - relationships with them. These guys try to "nice" their way through dating thinking that this is the way to the woman's heart. She doesn't see him as nice at all - she sees him as weak and powerless.
What guys need to understand is that if you're nice not only women will mistreat you, but men will too! You can never be the "protector" or "provider" in a relationship because you're far too busy compromising on everything.
So, if you're not going to be nice anymore what does that make you? Well, if you think it makes you a jerk, you're wrong too!
Interestingly many women continue to complain that jerks are attracted to them. In reality, it's the WOMEN that are attracted to; and continue to seek-out, jerks. They eventually see the error of their ways and move on, but not before being hurt or taken advantage of by these guys.
What you want to be is somewhere in the middle of all of this. You need "standards" by which you expect good treatment and expect to treat others well. That doesn't mean you go to the ends of the earth to please anyone; just that you work well with others, and when others don't, you don't play some dumb game of accepting the abuse.
3) Not learning how the game is played (winging it)
Trust me, dating is a game. It has rules, time periods, a playing field, coaches (like me) and even referees, (friends, family and even the courts). Sitting down to play an evening of poker isn't going to be much fun (nor profitable) if you don't know the rules.
The real problem is that these rules aren't intuitive or obvious. You have to study them to not only learn what you should do, say, think and how to act, but exactly where you can bend the rules safely - maybe even effectively.
Here's the reality: humans are complex, emotional creatures. Our mating/dating rituals are equally complex and this information isn't learned through osmosis. In fact, it often isn't learned through just dating either as many of the things you'd expect were true just aren't. And being the experts at relationships, women love this fact!
You need to study this like you would any game or sport you're interested in. Coming to this game dumb will leave you with far more than sore muscles in the morning.
4) Not watching women's signals
Dumb men don't understand that women throw signals all the time. The dumbest men think that these signals are obvious and that they don't have to make any special effort to recognize them.
Tsk, tsk, tsk - poor, dumb bastards!
Women have evolved a very large array of signals that they use to tell men their interest - or lack thereof. The problem is that these signals are very subtle and most men don't even pick them up. The trick is first to understand why women use such subtle signals and then to learn what they are. Doing any less than this just insures that guy will remain in the dark about women.
5) Waiting too long before asking for help
I get so many letters from guys after they've destroyed any chance they had with some girl. In 9 times out of 10, if they had just contacted me earlier or read my books, they'd have landed this girl. They finally come to me and ask me how to raise the phoenix out of the ashes.
Being ignorant and trying to play a sophisticated game like dating or building relationships is just plain dumb, especially when you consider how much information there is out there nowadays. Of course, that doesn't mean its all good either. A man has to be very careful where he gets his knowledge, but with a little research and a sincere desire to be a man among great women, he can learn it and excel.
The real key is to seek help before you really need it.
6) Not closing
This is a really dumb one! Many guys get enough courage to go talk to a woman in a bar, a gym, a coffee shop or wherever, and good for them! Then, they chat up the woman and even develop some connection with her and she begins throwing all sorts of "buying signals".
Finally, his drink comes, his aerobics class starts or his latte is perfectly steamed, and he says, "Well, it was nice to meet you." Then, he turns and walks away leaving the poor girl befuddled.
Doing all this great work and not closing for a number or a date is just plain dumb! No wonder many women think so many guys are clueless! Men, here's the rule: it's your job to close! Don't expect that she's just going to shove her number in your hand if she's interested. It doesn't work that way.
7) "One-itis" or "falling in love with it before you own it"
We've all done this one. You see a car, a laptop, an MP3 player or something else that you just fall in love with and have to have. Then, you get it, take it home and in a few days wonder why you bought such a thing.
The dumb part of this story is that many guys do this with women too. They see some girl and just fall in love with her. Then, they fall all over themselves trying to convince her that he loves her enough for the both of them.
This one isn't just dumb - it's pathetic.
I love this quote: "Remember: someone somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit." So true! Trust me on this one: no woman is perfect. Not a one of them. Thinking so is just you giving away all your power and your game. Don't fall in love with a woman until she's really yours. Otherwise, you'll be writing to me asking how to make her yours after you've tortured her to death, and I'll just have to tell you how many dumb things you've done that will prevent you from ever having that woman!
8) Not having a plan
Guys are great about setting goals. We write them down and even obsess over them. However, somehow we just forget all about that great planning when it comes to our love lives. My students learn to start with clear, concise, WRITTEN goals and that nothing less will do.
There are many reasons why these are so important, but let's look at what not having them means: it means that the very first woman that walks by becomes the woman of your dreams because after all, you don't know what your dreams are and thus, she's just as good as your goals.
Women know this is dumb too! They don't want to be the woman that simply walked in front of the target. They want to be the woman of your dreams. All it takes is you knowing what those dreams are.
9) Not learning to communicate in women's language
You know those words you hear women use? Sure, they sound a lot like English, but in fact, often have very different meanings! For instance, when you say "I'm tired" it probably means that you're ready for bed. When a woman says she's tired it can mean anything from the fact that she needs sleep to her being done with the relationship!
Women often speak in an implied form of language; whereas men tend to be more direct and specific. Assuming that a woman is saying something is a sure (and dumb) way to get yourself into trouble.
10) Not directing the relationship
Here's an important rule I want you to memorize: women control the sex in the relationship, but men control the relationship itself - if they are smart.
That means, setting up a date where you know where you're going to go, what you're going to do and everything else is planned out.
Do you know what the 7 deadliest words are in the dating dictionary? It's these: "So, what do you want to do?" or "So, where do you want to eat?"
That puts a lot of pressure on a woman that is really taking up with you as part of your game! Very few women want this much responsibility and you lose points by not having things worked out ahead of time.
That also goes for entire relationships too. I love what Sharon Stone had to say: "Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships." That absolutely true, but when you realize that it's your responsibility to manage your relationship including its tone, depth and direction, suddenly everything gets easier; both for you and your girlfriend. Here's a little rule that many men don't know: women actually appreciate this and respond to it very well.
That doesn't mean however that you get to be a bossy prick! There's a very big difference between being "dominant" and "domineering". Always, always choose dominant. Doing anything else is just dumb.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit:http://beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Here are the top ten:
1) Becoming the "friend"
Almost everyone fears rejection, especially; so it would seem, single men. So, they take things to the extreme and rather than just going for what they want, they become a woman's "friend" in the hopes that she'll see what a great guy he is, fall in love with him, do all his work for him and then he won't have to take any risks whatsoever.
Talk about dumb! I call this "trying to work it from the inside."
Women know this game all-too-well and avoid advances by these guys like the plague. They know that these guys are insecure and that's exactly why they keep these guys around - because they aren't a threat to them. Sure, they'll bounce relationship questions off of them, ask for help, see movies and maybe even give them a gift for their birthdays, but these guys will almost never become anything more than a buddy to the girls.
Unfortunately for many guys, they don't know that women already have them figured out and they try it anyway. Then, they go through heartbreak after heartbreak watching these women date other guys and never get their chance.
2) Being "nice"
We all grew up watching cartoons or seeing shows where the nice guy finally wins the girl. While that makes for a great story, it's not how things work in the real world.
I see guys getting walked on all the time by women that would otherwise have gotten right into - or stayed in - relationships with them. These guys try to "nice" their way through dating thinking that this is the way to the woman's heart. She doesn't see him as nice at all - she sees him as weak and powerless.
What guys need to understand is that if you're nice not only women will mistreat you, but men will too! You can never be the "protector" or "provider" in a relationship because you're far too busy compromising on everything.
So, if you're not going to be nice anymore what does that make you? Well, if you think it makes you a jerk, you're wrong too!
Interestingly many women continue to complain that jerks are attracted to them. In reality, it's the WOMEN that are attracted to; and continue to seek-out, jerks. They eventually see the error of their ways and move on, but not before being hurt or taken advantage of by these guys.
What you want to be is somewhere in the middle of all of this. You need "standards" by which you expect good treatment and expect to treat others well. That doesn't mean you go to the ends of the earth to please anyone; just that you work well with others, and when others don't, you don't play some dumb game of accepting the abuse.
3) Not learning how the game is played (winging it)
Trust me, dating is a game. It has rules, time periods, a playing field, coaches (like me) and even referees, (friends, family and even the courts). Sitting down to play an evening of poker isn't going to be much fun (nor profitable) if you don't know the rules.
The real problem is that these rules aren't intuitive or obvious. You have to study them to not only learn what you should do, say, think and how to act, but exactly where you can bend the rules safely - maybe even effectively.
Here's the reality: humans are complex, emotional creatures. Our mating/dating rituals are equally complex and this information isn't learned through osmosis. In fact, it often isn't learned through just dating either as many of the things you'd expect were true just aren't. And being the experts at relationships, women love this fact!
You need to study this like you would any game or sport you're interested in. Coming to this game dumb will leave you with far more than sore muscles in the morning.
4) Not watching women's signals
Dumb men don't understand that women throw signals all the time. The dumbest men think that these signals are obvious and that they don't have to make any special effort to recognize them.
Tsk, tsk, tsk - poor, dumb bastards!
Women have evolved a very large array of signals that they use to tell men their interest - or lack thereof. The problem is that these signals are very subtle and most men don't even pick them up. The trick is first to understand why women use such subtle signals and then to learn what they are. Doing any less than this just insures that guy will remain in the dark about women.
5) Waiting too long before asking for help
I get so many letters from guys after they've destroyed any chance they had with some girl. In 9 times out of 10, if they had just contacted me earlier or read my books, they'd have landed this girl. They finally come to me and ask me how to raise the phoenix out of the ashes.
Being ignorant and trying to play a sophisticated game like dating or building relationships is just plain dumb, especially when you consider how much information there is out there nowadays. Of course, that doesn't mean its all good either. A man has to be very careful where he gets his knowledge, but with a little research and a sincere desire to be a man among great women, he can learn it and excel.
The real key is to seek help before you really need it.
6) Not closing
This is a really dumb one! Many guys get enough courage to go talk to a woman in a bar, a gym, a coffee shop or wherever, and good for them! Then, they chat up the woman and even develop some connection with her and she begins throwing all sorts of "buying signals".
Finally, his drink comes, his aerobics class starts or his latte is perfectly steamed, and he says, "Well, it was nice to meet you." Then, he turns and walks away leaving the poor girl befuddled.
Doing all this great work and not closing for a number or a date is just plain dumb! No wonder many women think so many guys are clueless! Men, here's the rule: it's your job to close! Don't expect that she's just going to shove her number in your hand if she's interested. It doesn't work that way.
7) "One-itis" or "falling in love with it before you own it"
We've all done this one. You see a car, a laptop, an MP3 player or something else that you just fall in love with and have to have. Then, you get it, take it home and in a few days wonder why you bought such a thing.
The dumb part of this story is that many guys do this with women too. They see some girl and just fall in love with her. Then, they fall all over themselves trying to convince her that he loves her enough for the both of them.
This one isn't just dumb - it's pathetic.
I love this quote: "Remember: someone somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit." So true! Trust me on this one: no woman is perfect. Not a one of them. Thinking so is just you giving away all your power and your game. Don't fall in love with a woman until she's really yours. Otherwise, you'll be writing to me asking how to make her yours after you've tortured her to death, and I'll just have to tell you how many dumb things you've done that will prevent you from ever having that woman!
8) Not having a plan
Guys are great about setting goals. We write them down and even obsess over them. However, somehow we just forget all about that great planning when it comes to our love lives. My students learn to start with clear, concise, WRITTEN goals and that nothing less will do.
There are many reasons why these are so important, but let's look at what not having them means: it means that the very first woman that walks by becomes the woman of your dreams because after all, you don't know what your dreams are and thus, she's just as good as your goals.
Women know this is dumb too! They don't want to be the woman that simply walked in front of the target. They want to be the woman of your dreams. All it takes is you knowing what those dreams are.
9) Not learning to communicate in women's language
You know those words you hear women use? Sure, they sound a lot like English, but in fact, often have very different meanings! For instance, when you say "I'm tired" it probably means that you're ready for bed. When a woman says she's tired it can mean anything from the fact that she needs sleep to her being done with the relationship!
Women often speak in an implied form of language; whereas men tend to be more direct and specific. Assuming that a woman is saying something is a sure (and dumb) way to get yourself into trouble.
10) Not directing the relationship
Here's an important rule I want you to memorize: women control the sex in the relationship, but men control the relationship itself - if they are smart.
That means, setting up a date where you know where you're going to go, what you're going to do and everything else is planned out.
Do you know what the 7 deadliest words are in the dating dictionary? It's these: "So, what do you want to do?" or "So, where do you want to eat?"
That puts a lot of pressure on a woman that is really taking up with you as part of your game! Very few women want this much responsibility and you lose points by not having things worked out ahead of time.
That also goes for entire relationships too. I love what Sharon Stone had to say: "Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships." That absolutely true, but when you realize that it's your responsibility to manage your relationship including its tone, depth and direction, suddenly everything gets easier; both for you and your girlfriend. Here's a little rule that many men don't know: women actually appreciate this and respond to it very well.
That doesn't mean however that you get to be a bossy prick! There's a very big difference between being "dominant" and "domineering". Always, always choose dominant. Doing anything else is just dumb.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit:http://beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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