Dating Out Of Your League

Date Like a Model, Even if You're Not One of Them


Dr. Neder;

I was just dropping by to ask a serious question about how to attract a very beautiful woman. I live in San Diego and there are a lot of beautiful women here, but I am very shy and there are times where I see women that are out of my league and wonder if just maybe?

I was just wondering if there is something I could do to make them notice me and find me attractive even though I may not have model looks.

Hello!

Abso-freakin'-lutely!!!! Your looks have almost nothing whatsoever to do with the women that you date!

You're starting off with a mistake. You believe that in order to attract very beautiful women, you have to be equally good looking. Not so. Let me give you a short list of examples from music:

* Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
* Heather Locklear & Tommy Lee & Richie Sambora
* Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee & Kid Rock
* Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson
* Shanna Moakler & Travis Barker
* Christie Brinkley & Billy Joel
* Dita Von Teese & Marilyn Manson
* Avril Lavigne & Deryck Whibley
* Paulina Porizkova & Ric Ocasek
* Heidi Klum & Seal
* Shannon Tweed & Gene Simmons
* Liv Tyler & Royston Langdon
* Jerry Hall & Mick Jagger
* Rachel Hunter & Rod Stewart
* Donna D'errico & Nikki Sixx
* Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin

In general, these guys aren't "beautiful" by any stretch, but their wives are all considered "10's". Now, you may be trying to excuse this away by saying "Well, their famous! I'm not!" No, you're not, but that's not the point. I'm using these examples simply because you'll know them. They're famous not because of who they married, or being rock stars (there are TONS of musicians that aren't famous!) It's because of their "power". Read on.

Just because looks are important to YOU means nothing. Women have different motivations than men and trying to impose your wants on women will get you nowhere.

So, the question then is: what do I have to do/know/be/say in order to attract beautiful women?

While there are many sub-categories of things that women want in men, I'd boil it down to one thing that is the most important: power. Power expresses itself in a number of ways; confidence, sense of humor, money and many others. The more of these you can express outwardly, the more you'll attract the women you seek.

Women report that the very first thing they notice about men (besides their height and then their eyes) is their shoes. If your shoes are in good shape, it says that you must be "in good shape" too. The second thing they notice is your watch. Beyond these things, your confidence starts to come through.

Note that women often report sense of humor as the most important aspect, but sense of humor and confidence are really one in the same! You have to have confidence in order to be comfortable putting yourself out there to tell jokes or cut-up without fear of failure. Thus, focusing on confidence is the better choice.

In my second book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II"; I talk about the "seduction tree". This is the key to meeting and winning the most desirable women. It works like this:

Power <-----> Confidence
^

V
Humor <-----> Cockiness

What does all this mean? Simple: you gain power via a number of ways including the ones I've already mentioned. Through this you create confidence. You also show power via confidence.

Next, you learn humor - that is, how to be funny (and yes, you CAN learn this!) Then, express it via cockiness which increases your "sense of humor" factor. In other words, these things all work together to build each other - and thus, your "desirability" in the eyes of women!

Stop limiting yourself by thinking your looks have anything to do with which women you date. It's your power that makes that determination. Learn power and you can look like Ric Ocasek (Google him if you need) and hang with the most beautiful women.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Trouble in Break-up City

Trouble in Break-Up City


Dr. Neder,

My fiancé decided it was best to end our two year relationship about a month and a half ago. In this time I have realized why she did it and that she meant more to me than I ever knew. I made a lot of mistakes that I didn't see until now.

I talked to her about a month ago and she desperately wanted to be friends but I told her I couldn't do it. In this phone call she said she still loved me and wanted to keep the option for us to get back together open but didn't want to yet. She also seemed concerned about something I said a while back. I said that if she ever dated another man after we broke up that we would never get back together. I told her that this rule didn't necessarily apply anymore. The very next day she started dating another man. The information that I have is all from a reliable friend.

I did not talk to her or see her for a month. Yesterday I called her and left a message saying that we could be friends now and if she ever wanted to talk she should call me. She hasn't called yet. This woman is perfect for me and now that I know the mistakes I made I can fix it all and we could have a perfect, everlasting relationship. I just need her to give me the chance.

I will do anything to get her back. She is the woman that I am meant to be with. How can I win her back even though she has a boyfriend? I will do anything and I'm not just saying that.


Hello!

Well, you SAY that you'll do anything, but we'll see! Most guys claim this and few actually will do it. Here's what you have to do: start dating other women right away.

Will you do that? If not, then you don't need to read any further as nothing else I'm going to tell you will help. You'll just have to wait around and try to convince her that she should come back to you and that you'll change.

In fact, this won't work anyway. You didn't say what it was that you've done that is so heinous, but in fact, she fell in love with that guy you used to be. If you change him, she might come back (after you've been "punished" sufficiently) but she'll never stay around.

I'm always concerned when a couple breaks up this way. When you have problems, you work through them as a team. You don't leave in order to punish someone and you especially don't start dating someone else to hurt them. She's obviously put her message across to you, but this isn't exactly a healthy, relationship-building way to do it. Thus, I have to question the foundation of the relationship itself.

I hope you're still reading as you really need to hear all of this. I'm assuming that you want her back and that you want to get married. Frankly, I would urge you to rethink the marriage part of this in the strongest terms.

This isn't just about you not doing something (or doing something wrong) and she wants it fixed. As I've said twice now, this is about punishment. Otherwise, she'd have tried to work all of this out with you. If you go ahead and get married, it'll be more out of fear of losing her again than because getting married is the right move for your relationship.

Getting married will never give you "possession" of her. You can never own another person even by marrying them - people are just as likely to leave or cheat or disassociate from their partners as when single. All marriage will do is to give her more tools in order to punish you next time! With a poor foundation to begin with, this would have all the making of a disaster!

So, what about my original advice that you start dating other women? Here's the reality:

Right now, she knows she has you hanging by the front door. She has no real motivation to forgive you and thus, likely doesn't plan too unless things go sour with the new guy, and even then, it's not because she's committing to something - it's because she doesn't have a better deal waiting! Even worse, I'll bet she's scared that you'll no longer be the guy she used to love!

Is that really how you want a relationship (let alone a marriage) to work? I seriously, hope not!

By starting to date other women, you're giving yourself (and frankly, your relationship) some options. You'll get your head clear about all of this and you'll start to remember how you should be treated by women. In effect, you'll start taking back that power you no longer have.

Once that is done, you can start negotiations with her *IF* you want to! This will no longer be about being sorry; it'll be about what's best for the relationship between you two. What you have now is definitely NOT that right now!

So, my original question still stands. Will really you do what you have to in order to have her back? We'll see.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

"Being Friends"

The Reality of "Being Friends"

Hi Doctor,

I am getting to know a Christian girl. We have been going out for almost two months and I told her that I like her. In the beginning she told me that she was not interested in a relationship right now but was ok with being friends and she continues to go out with me. She answers my calls most of the time but when she doesn't I become anxious and I start thinking too much.

Please how can I deal with it?
Thanks.

Hello!

Of course she likes going out with you - you're free entertainment! She gets to have free meals, movies and is generally entertained when she goes out with you. Even better she gets to tell her friends that she has guys "...hanging all over her..."

That doesn't mean she's ever going to give you anything more just because you buy her food and drinks.

It also sounds like you're trying to dominate her time. You didn't mention this specifically but it's a common pattern in this sort of situation. By doing so, she never gets the chance to miss you or to use her feminine mind to build you up.

Let me give you some secrets you need to understand about women:

1) Women don't want to be chased - they want to DO the chasing.

This is an important lesson for any man to learn. If you chase a woman (like this one), she sees herself as "above you" in your relationship. That's very bad because women want to date "up". That is, they want to date (and win) someone that is above them instead. You're proving with every date that you're not this guy.

2) She already knows that she "owns you"; thus, you're worth nothing to her. Thus, if she gets you, what does she really get? Nothing.

3) All women "define" themselves by their relationships just as we guys "define" outselves via our careers. Any time a woman says that she doesn't want a relationship "right now" it means that she doesn't want a relationship "with you."

4) You've already played your hand so you have nothing to bargain with. You've told her that you "like her". She doesn't have to chase you because you've already given yourself away to her - for free.

In effect, what you did was tell her that you liked her in the hopes that she would just somehow fall in love with you and then, do all your work for you. Since she didn't, now you continue trying to dominate her time and get anxious when she doesn't pick up the phone because you're afraid that she's out with someone else.

If you really want this girl, you're going to now have to work 10 times harder - and smarter - than you'd otherwise have had to. Your chances of having her now are extremely remote and my best advice to you is to move on and find someone else that you DON'T make these mistakes with.

Of course, you're not going to take that because as a guy you actually believe that you can win someone if you just work hard enough. Ok, that's fine. Let me tell you what you need to do now:

1) Get very scarce. Don't call her, don't contact her, don't run into her - nothing. If she contacts you, that's fine, but take 3-4 days to get back with her. Don't do it immediately.

2) If she contacts you, tell her that you don't want to be her "friend" - you already have enough of these - and if she isn't into a "relationship right now" (bullshit as we've already discussed) that you're not interested in her either.

3) (Most important step): start dating other women RIGHT AWAY! It doesn't really even matter if you're interested in them or not! You just have to get out there in order to clear you mind of this girl. When you don't need her, you'll be able to make better decisions about how to win her.

Sorry my brother, that's the reality.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

My Hot Neighbor

My Neighbor's Hot - And She Knows It!


Hey Doc:

I've had a few girlfriends in the past and have no problems with experience. I don't think I'm God's gift to women, but I'm not particularly ugly either.

I've fallen for a neighbor girl. I'm not shy to talk to her, but she's just perfect. She's a very nice person, but thinks quite a lot of herself (which makes me all the more attracted to her!)

Do you have some kind of technique or form of body language I could use or a conversation that I could bring up? I'm not shy so ill try anything!

Thanks in anticipation.

Hello!

I've got the perfect technique for the perfect situation here. As you said, she "...thinks quite a lot of herself..." That's really a ripe, ideal ground for taking that away a little!

Here's how this works: by "busting" and "challenging" her, you instantly change the relative position between you and she. In effect, you "raise your stock" in her eyes.

In order to do this, you need to treat her like your bratty little sister rather than someone that you're interested in. By giving her attention, you simply play into that belief about herself. Worse, you become just like every other guy that's interested in her.

When you bust her on the other hand, you in effect tell her that she has to work for your attention - that you're not going to just give it to her for free - and you instantly become someone she has to know, because, well, you're not like every other guy!

Do you see how this works?

By acting cocky and treating her like she's not really that interesting to you you're going to become irresistible to her.

In order to do this, just imagine how you'd treat your little sister that always wants to hang around you. You'd be teasing her - and you'd mean it. Of course, you wouldn't be down-right mean to her, but you wouldn't be very warm and cuddly either! This is the balance you want to strike.

For example, if you see her next door, you can say to her, "Are you spying on me or something?" or "You're not going to become one of those nutty busy-body neighbors like you hear about on the news, are you?"

The trick here is to NOT laugh or make it a joke! Act like you really mean it, but leave the question open. Do you or don't you?

If you pull this off just right, you're going to have her eating out of your hands.

One last point: You can't do this without giving her an "in". That is, she has to be able to win your attention at some point. She'll slowly start ramping up her attempts to get you to be more than just her neighbor. Resist the temptation to just jump right in however. Give in just a little - and then take it away again.

You can say something like, "Ok, you're obviously looking for attention, but I'm busy right now. Let's go out on Saturday, but I'll call you if I can't." Don't call to confirm however - just assume that she's waiting for you on Saturday, but it's good to keep her guessing until the last minute.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Getting Back an Ex

Getting the Ex Back


Hey Dennis!

I read one of your replies to a question and thought your response was excellent. Could you please could you help with this one?

I was in a relationship with my ex for just over a year, when we first started dating. I was finding it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may have been only seeing her one night a week for the first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man with good looks and many people like me, but I was not used to this treatment, any way after about 2 months I ended the relationship, because I felt that we needed to spend more time together.

After a couple of weeks we got back together, and she moved into my place, things carried on pretty much how they were but we did get to spend more time together, we did come from totally different situations I was used to long term loving relationships and she was used to being single for years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know at times I probably came across as needy but surely relationships are about spending time together, right?

The next six months went ok, but I always felt second best and this just used to grate on me, she was very immature and often played games with me leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the games back but I just didn't want too.

About two months ago she went out on a Friday night with her friends, I called her the next morning to see if we could meet up and she said she was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would be nice for you to want to see me at some point over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then." Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!"

We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks

I thought I would leave her alone after that and have had no contact for over a month but I do miss her and want her back.

What shall I do?

Hello!

Thanks for your comments on a previous reply!

Here's something she's not telling you: she has lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what she's thinking.

First of all, let's consider one question: do you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that you've lost and you want another chance at winning again. It appears that this girl is manipulative, non-communicative, self-centered and a game-player.

You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you would make you want to chance this sort of pain? Just because she's attractive to you means very little. There are TONS of attractive girls out there and in fact, many of them are also great human beings. From your description, this is not something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you deserve better than her? I think you do.

Here's a rule about women: they want to date "up". In other words, they want to believe that they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming you for her own bad behavior.

In order to make her want to change her mind (which you already know I think is a mistake), she has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that, do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is nothing.

Thus, the answer is to get out there and start dating every short skirt you can find. She has to feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything to win back.

There is an added benefit for you however: you get to see how women really are by dating other ones. You get to see how they treat someone that they care about and that cares about them. Your ex is not a good example of this at all.

What would happen then if you find some terrific woman that fits you in every other category that you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms. It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will.

Who is the "winner" then?

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dating a Slob

The Problem with Dating Farm Animals


My boyfriend is filthy!

In his bathroom the dust and dirt has just accumulated over the year I've known him. He doesn't empty his garbage; even when it gets full he just keeps throwing stuff in the pile. I've even watched him throw something on the floor by the garbage can because that is where the rest have started to fall anyway.

His office is the same way. He piles the garbage and keeps it going in a corner or something. There were spots all over the floors where his new puppy had peed. His counters are filthy. If he wipes them off there is still food stuck to the surface and grime slid across the counter (you can see where something was and that it was tried to be wiped up but just got smeared and then left). He doesn't sweep his floors or vacuum. That means the dog hair balls up all over everything. He has mentioned that she made another mess and I just can't imagine what he possibly did to clean it up. It makes me sick!
He doesn't have pillow cases on his pillows so you can see all the stains from drooling or whatever else on the pillows so I generally don't use a pillow and force myself not to think about the rest of the bed. A blanket he tries to give me when I'm cold always stinks very, very badly so I don't use it. I make sure to be wearing an extra layer of clothing in efforts to avoid being near the blanket.
His dog was recently in heat and there are blood stains on the floor. The stains have not been cleaned and it's now been a week since she stopped. He used to have cats in the basement. They pooped and peed all over the carpet down there. It was EVERYWHERE! It was very gross and he only recently cleaned that out because his son moved in.
His cloths aren't regularly washed and he often wears the same shirt over and over again.There are many times that his cloths smell like he left them in the washer for days then just moved them to the dryer so they have the mildew/moldy smell to them.
Then there's his bad breath.
Now that you kind of have the point, what should I do about it? I've started to avoid going to his house and if we have to stop there quickly I wait outside. I haven't mentioned his breath but I don't want to kiss him like that. I sometimes avoid getting close or standing near him. I don't know what to do. I won't be with him much longer if this continues.

Do I leave him? Do I stay? Do I tell him? How?


Hello!Man! I've heard of people that were messy, but this guy is just a pig! There's a big difference between someone that is just "unkempt" and someone that is endangering the ozone layer! I fear for all of our safety! Perhaps this guy's place is the portal directly to hell or something! If there's anything good about all of this, at least it's far too filthy for rats to nest!Ok, sorry about all the jokes - I know this isn't funny to you!There are a wide range of conditions that people are willing to live in, but this guy's choice seems rather extreme and frankly, unhealthy. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to hang at his place.I suggest you take an escalated approach with him. First, by this point in your relationship, you should be close enough to be able to have quality discussions and this is a good one. Explain to him that you originally thought you could deal with his lack of sanitation, but that you've come to realize that it's a far bigger issue for you than you thought. Then, see what he says.There's a very big difference between not knowing how to "fix" his present situation and actually liking it. If he stands firm on this, you and he might not be a very good match! Perhaps he'd be better off with farm animals than people. On the other hand, perhaps this is just a very bad habit in which case, you can help him establish new, more healthy habits if he's willing to try it.I suggest you start by offering to help him clean things up over a weekend. I know you're not his maid, but consider that this is actually "relationship management" in order to avoid embarrassing visits by the health department. Once you get things cleaned, help him develop a schedule for basic things such as taking out the trash, washing his clothes, vacuuming, etc.Now, be aware that you shouldn't do these things yourself! This is his job as his investment in your relationship. He needs to develop these good habits and may never have learned them from his mother.You might also suggest that he hires a maid to come in twice a month. You'd be surprised at how much this can help. She'll at least do the basics every two weeks which will change his environment dramatically.Consider that you're not trying to change him here; you're just trying to save his life ;) More important you're trying to save this relationship. If he digs in his heels and refuses to make any changes, he's not the right guy for you, but even then, I can't imagine what woman would be "right".Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dating a Co-worker

The Girl at Work


Dear Dr. Neder:

I have liked a woman at my work for sometime now. We were out with others from work one evening and I admitted to her how I felt after getting a little drunk. She was perfectly sober since she was the designated driver. At the same time, she told me that she was also attracted to me, but that she didn't want a boyfriend at that moment. We wound up making out and dancing all evening.

Since then I've felt very confused. I got her number that night but I haven't called her as I planned to give her space due to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend.

What I don't understand is; why did she say she didn't want a boyfriend and then let everything else happen and was even enthusiastic about it?

One more question - she mentioned that she doesn't really want to date anyone from work because of a bad experience that she had in the past. Is that reasonable? Do you think that's why she doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment?

Hello!

Whenever a girl tells you that she "...isn't ready for a relationship..." or "...doesn't want a boyfriend..." big, green flags should go off in your mind. This is actually a very good thing! You'll instantly have your path set and all you need to do is follow it.

What is that path? I'll explain in a minute, but first, you need some foundation.

Here's the most important rule I can give you about women: watch their actions - don't listen to their words. Words are women's way of "managing" their situations. They use words to misdirect you away from their real intentions. This is because women don't want to seem like they're too interested in you because then YOU have all the power.

Their actions however, DO NOT LIE.

This situation is what I call the "Mini-Test". It's an attempt by this woman to see what would happen if she got into a relationship with you. Would she get to be the girl, or would she have to be the man too - because you're not going to be him. I'm afraid that sitting back and "respecting" her not wanting a boyfriend is the WRONG MESSAGE to send her.

Go back and re-read that paragraph until it really sinks in before you continue.

In my books, I talk about "Pre-Tests", "Mini-Tests" and "The Test". These are all tools that women have in their relationship toolkits that men lack. You need to understand how they work however because you're going to be Tested - constantly. As soon as you learn how to pass these Tests, you're going to be the man women just have to get to know. That's no exaggeration by the way!

This girl was all over you. She IMPLIED what she wanted while trying to misdirect you with words. Women believe deep down that real men should set the pace. They'd rather be with someone that knows what he wants and is willing to express it - even if it doesn't match what they THINK they want!
Consider this too: women DEFINE themselves by their relationships just as you and I do by our careers. If women are in good, solid, loving relationships, they feel "successful" just as you do when you're on a career path. How would you feel if you were unemployed? That's how women feel when they're not dating anyone.

Thus, you KNOW that her not wanting a boyfriend is garbage. Of course she wants one - but she wants a GREAT one. Can you be him? I think so!

So, she had a bad relationship at work before, eh? Big deal! Boo-hoo! Who hasn't had bad relationships? You're not that guy, you didn't cause the problem and you're not worried about having bad relationships because you and she are mature enough to handle it - right? All you need to do now is to express this to her.

Here's how:

First, you need to set up a date with her. Don't ask her for it however; TELL HER what's going to happen! When you see her, just walk up and say, "Clear Saturday night, I'll pick you up at 8." You don't even have to say why! Just tell her what you want, be absolutely clear about it - and make sure SHE'S clear about it too. You don't want her to say, "Oh, I thought you meant FRIDAY night." or something (more misdirection - see how this works?)

Then, when you see her on Saturday, use my "opening kiss" technique where you walk right up and give her a big, passionate kiss right on the lips even before you say "hello". This is going to knock her right off her stilettos.

Next, turn on the charm, touch her, challenge her and make her laugh. If she brings up the boyfriend thing again, just say, "Yeah, you're absolutely right." and then ignore it! Treat it like she didn't even say it - because she didn't! Her actions speak louder than her words, right?

If she brings up the work thing again, just say, "Yeah, I know many guys and girls aren't mature enough to handle this. It's too bad that this guy wasn't, but you and I won't have that problem because we're cool." Then, drop it entirely. All you need to do is simply address her fear, tell her that it's a non-issue and go back to having a great time.

My brother, as the man, you have certain rights and responsibilities. All women want to know is that YOU know this and you're ready to deal with it. Then, they let down their guards and feel relieved because they know that they're with someone that has things handled. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Does She Like Me?

Do You Think She Likes Me?


Hi there,

I'm 18 years old and I can't seem to get any friendly advice from anyone about this girl I like so maybe you can help me out! I met a girl over at the local community college this past week, and I can already tell that I'm developing a major crush on her! She is absolutely beautiful! I have an algebra class with her on twice a week. So far we've had only 2 classes together, but I think she might like me a little bit too, but I don't know for sure.

So far she always sits across from me at my table, and she's always been really nice and friendly to me! She always talks to me a lot during class, and she laughs and smiles at my jokes, so I guess that's a good sign too. I know it might be a little early to tell whether she likes me or not, but based on what I told you so far do you think she might have at least a slight interest in me? What's some ways I can tell that she likes me? Thanks so much for reading this. Have a wonderful day!

Hello!

First of all, you need to really let this concept sink into your head: it doesn't matter whether or not she likes you. You can MAKE her like to as much or as little as YOU want. This is the rule of women.

Men make this mistake all the time - they want to use their own beliefs about attraction (for themselves) as the yardstick by which to measure women. That's not reasonable as women are very different creatures from you and me.

I'm sure you'd agree that women's hair, skin, smell, voice, etc. are all different from us, right? So too with the way they become attracted to men.

What her flirting is doing is to open the door for you. She's in effect saying, "Ok, I'm willing to let you make me interested in you." Now, it's your job to build the attraction.

That's the way it is, so do you just want to know that she's already attracted to you, or do you want to know how to MAKE her attracted to you? These are very different things and I hope you never worry about the former question again.

So, how do you make her attracted to you? Not in the same way she makes you attracted to her! She has to be friendly, flirty, cute and engaging. You don't have to be any of these things. Instead, you have to simply be "masculine".

I like to use an example of what this means in order to give you a better picture of it. Imagine James Bond for a moment. Now, we'd agree that this character is "suave" and "polished", but that's not what I'm talking about here. Instead, imagine how he'd handle this situation.

First, he wouldn't worry about whether or not the woman is attracted to him simply because he knows it doesn't matter. Instead, he'd do what you're going to do: he'd just tell her to give him her number and to be ready to go out on a date! It's that simple!

Women react positively to our strength and negatively to our weakness. I know you've heard stories of the girls that "fall in love" with the underdog, but that's not reality. It's something made up by other underdogs to give them hope. In the rare instance women do become involved with these guys it usually doesn't last as they get bored very quickly and go off to find someone more powerful.

Thus, that is where you want to be!

The very next time you see her, I want you to look her right in the eye and say, "You know, I like your laugh. Give me your phone number and I'll call you so I can get to know the girl behind it a little better." Then, hand her a piece of paper and pen.

Trust me, it's really that easy!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dealing With the Fear of Rejection

Dealing With the Fear of Rejection


As men, we know that it's our job to do the initial approach, to get phone numbers and/or email addresses, to set-up dates, to convert to sex, to begin relationships, etc.

It's not that women can't do these things, (and in fact, I recommend that women do and even teach them how), but because of many psychological pre-wiring issues, women often will not. Thus, it's our job to not only learn how, but to actually do this function.

Many men are so afraid of being rejected that they never even bother to learn these skills. So, in this article I'm going to show you exactly how to get over your fear of rejection once and for all. You might give this a different name: shyness, social phobia or just plain terror, but in any case - it no longer needs to be a burden for you.

At the end of this article, I'm going to give you the ultimate trick to absolutely eliminate any fear you have, but read the next items first - they are the most important:


Step #1 - Education

Look, if you learn how to approach women the "right way", you instantly reduce anxiety because you know you're maximizing your probability for success. It's that simple - and yes, there are "right" and "wrong" ways! By knowing what to say, how to act, and what to do, you're not going to be stumbling over all of this when you approach.

There are a ton of resources on my website to help you here. In fact, there are over 500 articles, books, CD's, DVD's, podcasts and even software all dedicated to helping you with every aspect of your game. (http://beingaman.com/) There's no longer a reason for you to not know exactly what to do, where to go or to lack any other resource!


Step #2 - Practice

The very first time you try a new thing, it's going to be difficult for you. We already know this is true, so go get it over with already! What are you waiting for? If you know the second time will be easier than the first, go get the first time out of the way! It really doesn't even matter with whom you try it - just go do it!

Then, the second time will be easier. The third will be easier still, the forth will be even easier, and so on.

You have to practice these skills but you can do it in small, manageable steps. You might begin by just making eye contact. This is very non-threatening and easy to do anywhere other people are found. Then, add a "hello" or "good morning". You'll be surprised at how many people will respond. Next, smile - it's easy to do. You can continue practicing and building your skills from here.


Step #3 - Refine

We are all different people and what works for one guy won't necessarily work the same way for others. You want to take your skills and continue to refine them in order to get the best possible results out of your efforts.

To refine them you want to try the things you learn and make small adjustments. Then, try them again. If these adjustments increase your success, then continue along that path. If not, go back and either stick with the previous method or try another in some other way. It won't be long before you have a set of tools that work for you almost every single time! Just imagine how your fear will fade when you have 5 phone numbers you're working on with the possibility of get more any time you want!


And now, the most important element of this discussion:

Here's an incredible trick I know to absolutely eliminate your fear of rejection - and this works for both men and women.

It's this simple: raise your standards.

What exactly does this mean? Simple:

Right now, you probably have the "standard" that you'll feel rejected whenever someone says "no" to you. That's a pretty low, weak standard, indeed! What if you changed this around and started to accept the standard that you'll only feel rejected when someone slaps you or throws a drink in your face?

In effect, by making this simple decision, you're "raising the standard" of what it takes for you to feel rejected from the simple "no" to being assaulted. That's pretty cool!

Now, I can tell you that the likelihood of being assaulted is pretty low. Thus, you'll never feel rejected again if you adopt this simple, easy belief.

It all comes down to the decision to raise your standards.


Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Commitment Phobic

Hi,

I've been dating a woman for over 3 years. We're both in our mid- to late-20's and live in different states. We've planned to move in together 5 times. The first time, she backed out the day before we were supposed to sign a lease. The second time, we did move in together, but it was only for three months, as I was leaving for law school at the end of the lease. The remaining 3 times she has backed out right with only a month's notice or so.

The last 'back-out' occurred just a few days ago. We've spent the last year apart in a long distance relationship, and I've only seen her 8 days this year. Right after we found a place we both liked, she freaked out and decided that she wasn't going to move up here and that she needed time apart.

She wants to remain 'friends' for awhile, and see where it goes. She obviously has serious commitment issues - needing time apart after spending most of the last year apart seems insane to me.

My question is this: What the hell do I do? I really care for this woman, but obviously there's a pattern here and I'm tired of waiting, and not willing to commit to someone who's unwilling to commit to me (especially after three years!). Should I stop talking to her, should I try to be her 'friend,' should I get her committed????

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Hello!

You've got a lot of issues going on here! First of all, you need to understand that long-distance relationships NEVER work out! I've seen thousands of them and they all end the same way - just like yours. There are many reasons for this (and you can check my website for all sorts of articles: http://beingaman.com/), such as not being there for each other during important events, , living a life by yourself, etc.

She's already seeing this fact (of course it's taken over 3 years), and it appears you are seeing it now too. But, this isn't the only problem.

This commitment issue is at least one other, (yes, you have more, but they aren't that important to your question). Moving in together isn't just about finally being together after all this time apart - it's also about completely changing both your lives. She obviously isn't willing to make these changes.

In effect what you have right now is nothing more than a friendship. Simply giving it a name now is something of a moot point. However, you need to understand that for women, being a "friend" has a very specific meaning: you're over as a couple. "Friends" never go back to being lovers in a relationship.

Worse yet, friendship works directly against your goals! Not only does it prevent you from having her as your girlfriend, it keeps you on the hook thinking that you might some day, thus preventing you from finding a "real" one.

Here's what you should do: stop talking to her, DO NOT agree to become her "friend", start seeing this as the slap in the face that it is, and move on. Just imagine all the great women you've probably passed up in the last 3 years because you were committed to someone that wasn't even there for you. That's a tragedy - both for you and the girls you didn't meet.

Don't waste another minute on this "relationship" - it doesn't exist. Get moving and find someone that fits your goals and is right there in your own back yard.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How Does A Guy Meet A Girl?

Just How Does A Guy Meet A Girl, Anyway?

Hello Doc:

I've never really known much of anything about dating. I'm 26 years old and I've never had a serious relationship. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of knowledge over the years and I feel like I'm sunk.Where can I go to meet people? How do I introduce myself when I find someone?

Hello!

Here's the reality: MOST men don't learn very much about dating! Our fathers don't teach us, our schools don't teach us, our friends are usually in the same boat we are! On the other hand, women have all sorts of resources! They get information about dating and relationships from women's magazines, books, movies, their friends, their families, etc., etc. Women spend their entire lives studying this critical information and we guys get very little - if any - of it.

What most guys do is to wait around until some girl gets so frustrated that she approaches him - and then he doesn't know what to do with her! So, she gets bored very quickly and either stops taking his calls or just comes out and dumps him.

That's exactly why I wrote my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". These (and my CD's, DVD's and articles) have come after much study on my own - over 20 years of it! Interestingly, women complain about men's lack of skills all the time.

Ok, let's get to your questions:

1) Where can you go to meet people?

The answer is simple: everywhere! Great women are everywhere you go - except your own living room. Thus, you need to get yourself out among people!

Have you ever been in a bookstore or coffee shop or supermarket and seen a good-looking woman that you'd have liked to approach? We run into women all the time just out doing our daily business. The problem is that most guys don't have the knowledge to actually go over and meet the woman. They spend their time thinking "Oh, she'd never be interested in me!" or imagining that she'd just shoot them down. In fact, this rarely happens, but if you know the skills, it NEVER happens!

Hobbies are another important way to meet women. In my first book, I talk about how important it is to have hobbies. Hobbies not only make you better well-rounded and more interesting, they give you access to other people of like interest! You instantly have something in common with someone that enjoys the same hobbies you do. Even better, there are clubs and organizations devoted to almost every activity you can think of!

In my e-book, "1001 Places." I talk about a ton of places to go and meet women and specifically how to approach them there.

2) How to you go about meeting women?

This is a tougher question, but in fact, there are specific rules that you want to know. Dating and courtship are complicated rituals in humans with rules that have been the same for millions of years! Women learn these rules and expect men to know them, but as I've already said, women have many resources whereas men have very few.

Two of the resources you have are my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". These books take you through every aspect of dating - how to find women, how to approach them, what to say, how to "close", how to get phone numbers, dates and even sex, how to create relationships, how to grow those relationships into your dreams and even how to handle relationship problems.

You can see this is a very extensive question to answer! The good news is that it's not difficult and ANY MAN can learn all the skills he needs to not only meet women, but to be successful with them! How cool is that?

I suggest you start by visiting my website (http://beingaman.com/) where you'll find a ton of resources along with the books, CD's, etc. These will get you started, but they'll do a lot more for you - they'll give you life-long skills that you can begin using right now to start finding, approaching, meeting and actually winning with women! These skills aren't tough, but they are specific. Go get this information - you've already suffered without it for too long.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Is Needing Someone Unhealthy?

Is "Needing Someone" Unhealthy?


I'm a 19 year-old girl and am pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I'm scared of ending up in an unhealthy relationship like so many of my friends claim to have been in. I don't really know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships which is what worries me.

Some of my friends have told me it's unhealthy to be with someone who needs you too much but how much is too much? Others have told me it's unhealthy to need the person you're with at all in a relationship. I don't know what to believe!

My boyfriend told me last night he loved and needed me and it scared me. I didn't know how to interpret it. I kept thinking does he mean he can't live or function without me or that he simply can't imagine his life without me?

What does it mean to need someone in a relationship anyway? How can I tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one? And is it ok to need the person you're with? Why are break-ups so painful? Is it because of your broken heart or because you need that person in your life and they're no longer there?

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me, I really appreciate it.

Hello!

Let me set you straight here. It's not unhealthy to be wanted - or to want someone in a relationship. However, it's unhealthy to want someone or to be wanted in an UNHEALTHY relationship.

Your girlfriends are simply spouting some stupid thing they've heard on Dr. Phil or read in Cosmo. Unfortunately, these women also don't know reality from marketing hype.

There is a mis-belief that being independent in a relationship is a good thing, but let me ask you - how many of your girlfriends are in long-term, healthy relationships themselves? None? I thought so.

We are a media-dominated society. Unfortunately, people (especially young women) are picking up all sorts of stupid, meaningless advice by those with a greater agenda rather than learning what reality is.

Let me give you a dose of reality: in "healthy" relationships, people are "interdependent" on each other. They bring their own strengths to the table, and willingly rely on the strengths of their partner where they are weak. This isn't unhealthy at all - it's the height of health!

In fact, nobody "needs" another person unless they are very mentally and emotionally ill. These are rare people however and frankly, you'll probably not meet very many of them in your life.

What's much more common is to realize that other people help you make you feel "whole" and that's a good thing! If you were entirely whole by yourself, you'd never need or want to have anyone else in your life ever - and THAT is unhealthy too!

The fact is that others make those good parts of us even stronger. Trying to deny that fact leads to all sorts of unhealthy beliefs and behaviors - just like your girlfriends' beliefs and behaviors. Take a look at how they view their past relationships as an example.

Your boyfriend is simply saying that you "complete him" which is actually very healthy. You shouldn't be freaked out about hearing that, nor should you be freaked out about feeling it yourself. Regardless of what your friends say or you may hear on Oprah or read in Cosmo or even see on TV, needing and being needed is the foundation of any good relationship.

As to why break-ups hurt so much, it's simple: it's because you get used to feeling "complete" through the other person. You invest your heart - and head - in the relationship and get back far, far more than you put in. It's like winning big in Vegas!

When that ends, you feel the loss, but here's another important fact: that feeling of loss eventually fades away, and you're left with only the good feelings and memories of that person! This is like a little gift from nature, but more important, you get to keep that strength you gained from having been in the relationship itself, and invest it in another relationship later on as a better, stronger even happier you.

How cool is that?

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Living in Strength

Living in Strength by Crystal Eves

Most human beings have a weak spot in their psyche. Generally it is some aspect of ourselves that we feel is inferior, or about which we are doubtful. For some people it's appearance, too fat, too thin, too scrawny, too tall, too short, crooked teeth, big nose, thin hair, odd shape. For others it's personality traits and abilities, too slow, too disorganized, too bold, too quirky, too stubborn, too rash, too irresponsible.
A good way to identify our weak spots is to think about where we feel "too" but rarely is that necessary, because where we feel weak is usually where we also feel regular guilt, and that doesn't require any investigation because it stares us in the face daily.
It's terrible to feel apologetic for who we are, to feel inadequate on some level, but almost all of us do to some extent and while this may seem like an individual problem, it extends much further than that.
It has a huge effect on our relationships.
One such effect is intolerance of that same defect in others. So a person who feels she hasn't achieved enough in her life is more apt to put pressure on her spouse and children to succeed. Further the amount of pressure will be proportionate not to how the children and spouse actually perform but to how badly the person exerting the pressure feels about herself.
Another relationship effect of having a weak spot is that when our family members have outbursts or problems, there is a tendency for us, because of the guilt we carry, to immediately assume our weak spot is the reason. Take for example a mother who feels that she is too focussed on her career. Whom do you think she blames the moment anything goes wrong in her child's life, his choices, or the fact that she worked so many late nights?
When we assess situations from our most vulnerable place, we are preoccupied with our own guilt and shame, and this means that we may not be seeing things clearly. Subsequently, we may react personally to things that have nothing to do with us at all.
If we want to have happier relationships, it would be wise to examine and heal these areas of weakness, to get clear that there is nothing wrong with us or to take steps to fix it if there is. Once solid, we will be able to look at everyone in our life, including ourselves, and see the truth: that we are not being accused or let down nearly as much as we had previously thought.
Crystal
Copyright 2006, Crystal Eves

Meeting on the Internet

What's Her Problem?


I met this girl online about 6 weeks ago and we clicked right away. We talked via the phone and internet for hours at a time almost every night. We even had live video sessions with each other so when she moved back into the area we met up face to face and she seemed to be interested in me. She even kissed me pretty heavily and told me to call her. So everything was going good - or so I thought.

I called her later and she asked me if she scared me off and I said no so she asked me what I was doing the next night and I said nothing so I made plans to get together with her again and she said it was all good. I called her after work the next day to ask her when it would be a good time and she said she didn't know and she would get back to me later. I never heard from her again.

I tried calling her all weekend and kept getting her voicemail and no returned calls until Sunday night when she finally called and said she went away for the weekend. I asked her why she just didn't tell me she said "the battery on my phone was broke." Then I asked why she didn't just use a land line then? She said I didn't want to call without knowing if I called first. I thought that sounded logical.

We got together a couple of days later and she seemed she only wanted me around to do things for her. She said she still really liked me, but ever since I moved her stuff to her parent's house last Sunday she's completely ignoring me. Now, she won't answer the phone or my emails. I know because the site tells me when they've been read.

So what's her problem?

Hello!

Her problem is the Internet.

This sort of problem is becoming an epidemic! 20 years ago, you'd almost never heard of girls that wouldn't return phone calls or answer their phones. This was (and still is by the way) considered the height of rudeness. However, having met on the Internet, there's a totally different mindset that many women have.

The Internet acts as a filter. You're not really becoming interested in the person at all (although it really seems like it.) Instead, you're falling for the IMPRESSION that the person gives you!

Consider this: when you and she first starting writing to each other, you had all the time in the world to really craft your responses to each other. You could consider every other message you received to try to determine what responses would put you in the best light with her. She did too.

Even the telephone works like this, but not to the same degree. You become a "real person" when you're right there with someone. However, if that person's first impression of you is electronic, you never really get this advantage.

Worse yet, without being face-to-face, you miss tons of subtle cues that you'd otherwise pick up. Even if you hear something that makes you question what she's say, she can just say, "Oh, you misunderstood me" and this is near-impossible to argue. You can't really do that in person because it's obvious when someone is lying.

By spending hours at a time on the phone, you actually shot yourself in the foot by trying to hold your dates there. That means that you've missed all sorts of personal information you'd otherwise have to work with. She is NOT the same person you thought she was originally; even though it really seems "real" it is not.

The Internet has caused her to feel subconsciously that since she doesn't really "know" you (as she would have if you'd met in person), she doesn't owe you much courtesy, respect or politeness. She instead, came to see you as someone that could help her do a few things, she got what she wanted and now she's trying to blow you off because she's likely on to some other "Internet fool".

Sorry to tell you this John, but you've been had. It's time to move on and avoid these mistakes in the future.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

How to Attract Women

How to Attract Women


How do I attract a woman for a relationship?

During high school I tried to ask out 5 different girls over 5 years. I thought I was in love with each of them and told them this, but was turned down each time with a corresponding blow to my self-confidence. I finally just gave up on finding a girl. For quite some time I didn't talk to any new girls at all - only friends of mine.

I' m now 22 and still have next to no confidence. I can't even go out to a bar with friends or anywhere public to have a bit of fun. I'm not particularly good looking, (I'm quite tall and skinny looking, not muscular, and certainly not your "James Bond" type either.)

I also lack a lot of confidence in sex. Actually, I'm pretty freaked out it! Obviously, the male side of me wants sex, but I'm scared shitless about actually have it. I'm most worried about a pregnancy and getting STDs. I also am afraid of being able to do all the stuff I have read (I have already made myself think I should be able to do a lot of this stuff first time and I think I will fail at that) and the last fear is finishing way to soon.

As you can see I'm quite a confused and worried 22 year old that really just wants to find that special someone.

Thanks for any help

Hello!

[Note: this is a necessarily long letter, but your question is broad. I hope you read it all the way through with an open mind that seeks to change and grow.]

You've obviously spent a great deal of time freaking yourself out rather than doing what you should be doing - studying. More on this in a moment.

You have a large number of mistaken beliefs that are helping to hold you back. Ultimately, you expect to fail so you set everything up against yourself so that you do. In effect, you've spent your entire adult life stacking the entire deck against yourself. Now you have nothing but a large, up-hill battle. You've got to stop doing this to yourself in order to begin getting it solved.

Let's look at each issue by itself:

1) You never get to "own" confidence, you only get to borrow it.

When I get a letter (daily!) from a guy that lacks confidence, I explain to him that it's not confidence that he lacks but education. Consider this: if you really knew how this game was played; if you knew which women to approach, what to say, how to hold a conversation, how to build rapport and connection and how to ask for a number, do you really think that you'd lack confidence? Of course not! You are "confident" in that which you know well. It's that simple.

However, in your case, not only do you set yourself up to fail by not having learned this game, you also create an expectation of failure. In other words, you expect to fail and therefore you do. Worse yet, this expectation prevents you from even trying. This comes from one source: an undisciplined mind. You allow yourself the luxury of imagining your own failure rather than to force yourself to imagine only success.

This is where most people would tell you to get over that and move on. I'm not going to waste either of our valuable time with such nonsense. Instead, I'm going to give you some tools you can put into practice right now to start getting healed. Yes, you have to get over this, but you'll do it by retraining your mind to think how you want it to.

First, why is this important? Here's why: you know that you can make yourself sick by thinking about it, right? Do you know that you can also make yourself well? You can.

Think of your mind something like a balance scale where you put weights on either side. The side with the most weight will tilt down. Up until now, you've been putting all of your "weight" on the negative side by loading it up with not only wrong, but dangerous beliefs! You've got to change that around. The great thing is that all you need is 1% more weight on the positive side to get things going. Once you add that weight there, you're going to see the balance start to tip. Don't rush over to add more to the negative side however! It's this very action that causes you to have the beliefs you have, and it's the very thing you have to force yourself to stop.

To stop this, I suggest you get a strong rubber band. Carry it with you wherever you go and never be without it. Any time you start in with the negative beliefs such as saying to yourself that you're "afraid of sex" or that you "fail with women" or any such negative idea whatsoever, I want you to take that rubber band, stretch it back against the front of your thigh and give yourself a good pop with it!

Let this sting for a moment, but before you rub it, "correct" your thinking by imagining the exact opposite of the negative thought. For instance, if you said to yourself (even "accidentally"), "I'm a failure with women." Then pop yourself with that rubber band and then say, "I'm a success with women." Add a mental image to it as well and really feel that success. Finally rub that sting on your thigh until it eases.

This is going to seem silly at first, but what you're actually doing is retraining your mind with both punishment for holding the wrong ideas (the pain in your thigh) and reward for the right ideas (relieving the pain). This is a powerful and direct system that will quickly change a lifetime of wrong-headed thinking into right-headed thinking.

You should do this with every problem you've written to me about including the wrong ideas about sex.

2) Sex isn't going to be a problem for you.

In fact, most people don't get someone pregnant and don't get STD's. While the media would have you believe otherwise, getting pregnant or contracting an STD is extremely rare if you use protection; i.e. a condom. The other benefit of condoms is that they actually help you to last longer in bed! In effect, you're solving 3 problems with one solution - not bad, eh?

Trust me on this one (for now): the first time you have sex, (and you WILL have sex), is going to be far different than you imagine it will be. Thus, you can't predict any outcomes accept one: you'll no longer be a virgin. It's that simple. Allowing yourself the luxury of imaging anything negative about it is a total waste of your time because you can't imagine its reality. If you really want to imagine it, spend your time thinking positive thoughts instead (use the rubber band trick as before) and get educated about the realities of sex.

Here are just a few of them: yes, sex can cause babies, but if you're using protection, the likelihood is so low as to be all but impossible. Sex can transmit STD's, but while the fear-mongers want you to believe that every 1 in 2 people has an STD, it's just not the case. You don't need to focus on these issues because they aren't going to be a problem for you since you'll use protection each and every time. Yes, there are risks, but your fear of them is both irrational and unfounded.

3) You're not "failing" with women.

In fact, you're succeeding by actually learning what doesn't work! You may have heard the story of Edison's attempt to invent the light bulb: he tried 10,000 different materials before he finally hit on the one that was successful. When a reporter asked him how he could fail 10,000 times, he replied that he hadn't "failed" at all. He "discovered" 10,000 ways that didn't work.

It's the same with you. You've already found 5 ways of asking women out that don't work. What you need is a short-cut so that you don't have to go through another 9,995 things to discover the 1 way that does work. This is where your education comes into play.

4) Your looks have nothing to do with your success.

Most guys want to impose their own beliefs on women. We guys often think that since we're "look-focused" that women are too. That's not the case. How you look isn't important. How you act IS important. You're going to learn how to act.

Now that we've dealt with a number of your issues, let's deal with moving forward. You need to do the things I've told you in this letter but you have to do the most important thing right along with them: get educated.

We humans are very complicated creatures and our courtship rituals are equally complicated. The good news is that they are simply a game with well-defined rules. You just don't know the rules! Don't you think it's time you learned them? I sure do!

Go to my website and get started (http://beingaman.com). There are a ton of resources there that will help you with every aspect of this game. You'll find books, CD's, DVD's, articles and even a very active discussion group - all dedicated to getting your mind focused on your goal - and winning it.

Braden, this isn't going to be solved via one email. You need some real work, but I can't think of a better time to get started on this. If you do these things for yourself, you're going to start enjoying the success you deserve with women; and trust me - you DO deserve it!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

He's No Longer Interested

I'm No Longer His "Dream"


Hi, Dr. Dennis

I am a 34 year old woman who is insanely attracted (you could even say devoted) to a 56 year old man who still makes me melt after almost 4 years of knowing him. We have seen photos of each other, but our only contact has been via e-mail and telephone - never in person.

I met this man while I was still married. Our business relationship turned friendly, and after a year and a half of a friendly relationship, our talks led to more intimate and personal subjects - I can honestly say I was the one who was curious about his sexual likes and dislikes...he has always been a perfect gentleman and has never placed an emphasis on anything sexual (that is INSANELY attractive to me).

After a year of a VERY intense emotional relationship (this man had proven to me that he would wait as long as he had to for me), I had beat myself into an emotional frenzy because I felt I was cheating on my husband, so I ended our "romantic" relationship. I love the man dearly - he has my heart - so I explained that I wanted to still be friends. He wanted to have contact as friends once or twice a month, which I could not have lived with, so he said he needed a couple of weeks to get used to the "new order of things" - going from a very intimate friendship to a platonic friendship, then he contacted me at the end of a "2 week hiatus".

That was 1 year ago this month, and I have since divorced my husband (for narcotic addiction - not because of my feelings for this other man). I poured my heart out to this man a couple of months ago, basically telling him how much I still care for him, and I wish he would give our romantic relationship another chance - at least meet me in person before he gives up on us altogether.

This was a man that was absolutely CRAZY about me last year, but he told me recently that he did not see a future with me, even though he has a "great deal of affection for me that he cannot deny". Lately, he has been growing more distant - his phone calls are down from 8 a month to 3 or 4, and his emails are only 1 per week now instead of 3 or 4. My divorce will be final in 2 1/2 weeks, and I am wondering if he is trying to distance himself from me now in an attempt to build attraction since we plan to visit in person soon after my divorce is final?

I keep reading all this advice to men to create distance from women to build attraction while still leaving them on her agenda. I feel he is doing this to me - or maybe I am just HOPING that is what he is doing.

Could he be trying to get rid of me altogether since I am about to be divorced because he would think I was "needy" or something? He said he is very attracted to my physical appearance (I was voted best-looking in high school and have held my own over the years), my analytical ability, my positive outgoing attitude, my intelligence, and my devotion to my family and friends - those are his words, not mine. Could a man throw away a woman who was once the woman of his dreams? We have stayed such good friends since the "romantic breakup", but now he is creating all this distance - it's not normal for him.

And for all you men who have read this far, here's a tip for you - this man made me fall HARD for him because he was a perfect gentleman who truly listened to what I said and could even ask me questions about it later. He is VERY intelligent and well-spoken, and has a genuine interest in every facet of my life. And yes, I love him because he stands his ground and did not let an emotional outburst I had get to him - he is very strong emotionally without ever having walked all over my emotions. He is very optimistic and supportive of me which goes a long way.

I want this man, and without sounding too conceited, I just cannot understand why he would not want me, but it appears that way right now. Do you have any idea why he is creating all this distance from me right before we are supposed to meet?

He KNOWS I would not sleep with a man that was not devoted to me long term, so him telling me he does not see a future with me is not promising. Maybe he just wants the sex and is being honest with me about his standing on a long-term commitment since we are good friends. Or maybe he can't say anything about a long-term commitment since he has not seen me in person yet? I know men are visual creatures like that.

Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to show him that I would never leave him again now that I am soon to be legally divorced? I completely crushed this man (and myself) last year and I beat myself up for it daily, but I want him to feel secure with me again now that I am free to be with him.

I would really appreciate any help you could provide. Thanks.

Hello!

First - to any guy that's reading this, I strongly urge you to NOT use this as an example what to - or not to - do. In fact, you should never take relationship/dating advice from women unless they're lesbians and even then, their target market is rather different from yours! Buyer beware!

Sorry - this may work for you, but trust me, your situation; like your relationship, is very different from the "norm". Any guy that believes this will work is going to find out the hard way that it won't. Then, they're going to write to me, very unhappy with the results.

Yes, I can tell you exactly what's going on here. You've spent the last 4 years building up an emotional connection that frankly, only exists in your mind. Your brain actually takes in information at over 60,000 impressions PER SECOND. That's a tremendous rate of information, and if your brain doesn't have access to the real information, it "fills in the gaps" by giving you whatever it is that you want. In your case, you filled in the gaps with all the intellectual/emotional "chemistry" without having the actual impressions to work with.

Consider this: when you're "in person" you get not only the verbal part of communication, but a much bigger part is missing: non-verbal. You can't watch the tilt of his head, the almost instantaneous, impreceptable movement of the corner of his mouth and the slight changes in his complexion. Instead, you've spent many hours on the phone and via email getting none of this! Your mind has "inserted" this information for you since it wasn't there. I'm sorry to say that you are (in effect) in love with a ghost!

While you've been building all of this up and creating all the things you need to want this man, he's been denied what he needs! Even worse, you've now required that he create something that doesn't even exist to get it! You demand (as you stated) that he "devotes" to you when in fact, there is nothing there (other than huge phone bills) on which to base such an expectation.

Here's something you really need to understand: men and women use sex and physical intimacy VERY differently; at least in the beginning of the relationship. You (as a woman) use sex to create bonding and inimacy. Men on the other hand use sex to determine if we WANT TO create bonding and intimacy! This period only lasts for a short while and if you miss it, it's very difficult to get back - almost impossible.

Go back and re-read that paragraph until the idea really sinks in. You need to understand why; while getting what you want, you've also shot yourself in the foot by denying him what HE needs in order to be where you are!

In effect, he's passed through all of the phases that you've been building up to. He may very well have been where you are now years ago. However, by not having the physical aspect of a relationship with you, his mind decided to relieve this pain by taking away his need for you. In effect, he's fallen out of love with you and has become nothing more than a friend and maybe even less than that.

Right now, his contact with you is probably more out of habit than out of need. By putting such huge requirements on him in order to even build anything from this point forward, he's probably just given up and is moving on emotionally if not mentally. This is why he sees no "future" with you. It's based entirely on your past together.

All people interested in relationships need to understand this point: all relationships have a "window of opportunity" where both people's needs coincide. Many women (and sometimes men) try to artifically manipulate this window by saying things like, "Let's take this slow" or in other ways like preventing or putting of first meetings (as in this case). What this does is to destroy the chance for the relationship to begin to ripen. It never leaves this "proto-stage" and eventually withers and dies.

I regret to say that this is likely where things are for you now. You've spent far too much time "selling" and no time "delivering". While this may have worked well for you, it absolutely didn't work for him. I can say this with great assurity; both from being a man and having talked to many, many thousands.

At this point, I'm not very confident in your ability to "right" this situation. I'll bet that on top of all history here, you're also at some distance away from each other - maybe hours or even days. With this added problem you aren't going to "fix" things here unless one of you moves and even then, you still have to get past the history!

If you two are local enough to get together regularly (like instead of calling), I strongly urge you to do that right away. Without being in person, you're never going to work this out, and frankly, I doubt it even then.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.