I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 26, we've been going together for 7 years, but quite honestly the last few years have not been good and this summer I really started distancing myself from him.
I have my own apartment, job and car, pay all my own bills, etc. he on the other hand still lives at home with his mom!! He is very irresponsible and I am just getting turned off by the whole situation. He barely works maybe only about 20 hours a week and that's being generous, he usually only works 10 or 15 hours a week. He doesn't give his mom any money to help out with bills, and whenever he needs money his mom gives it to him.
In the past he would ask me for money and I would give it to him, but over the last year when he asks I tell him I don't have it. I feel that if I can go to work everyday and support myself then so can he. He is very irresponsible and unorganized you have to constantly remind him to do things like he's a child and it's really starting to take its toll on me. The past few months have been pretty bad, we constantly argue (mostly about his work ethics and being irresponsible and lazy) and lately I just don't even like being around him.
He always makes excuses as to why he can't find a job. One excuse was because he didn't have a car. So I purchased a new car and instead of trading in my old car I told him he could drive it all he had to do was get his own insurance and keep the oil changed. He couldn't even do that.
At one point we were talking about moving in together. At the time my lease was up and we still were trying to decide what we were going to do, so I didn't renew my lease and went on a month to month lease. Since I wasn't under a contract I had to pay an additional $50.00 dollars per month and he said he would pay it. Needless to say I never received one payment.
We have talked about getting married but I don't want to marry him because he really doesn't have anything to offer. I give him leads on jobs and he never follows up I give him applications and he never fills them out.
Every time I make comments about him finding a job or his finances he says I think I'm better so now I don't even say anything.
I really don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel like dating other people because I'm tired of having to pay for everything when we go out or not even going out at all because he never has any money.
Welcome to the "other side".
Men face this problem quite often. Not so much where women are just plain lazy, but in fact, men end up paying 74% of all dating costs and around 62% of costs in the marriage and let's not even talk about divorce! Men have to make the decision as to whether it's a reasonable financial decision to date any woman.
Relationships are not built on a balance sheet. If you spend your time looking for men that can support you financially, you may find them, but in at least some cases, you'll give up something in return. It may be emotional, spiritual, physical or in some other way, but there's always a trade-off.
Now, with that said, they key aspect to your question comes in the fact that you are no longer attracted to him because of all of this.
This comes down to the most primitive needs we experience as men and women. It's a fact that men are mostly attracted to women because of your looks and women are mostly attracted to men because of our power. One of the easiest ways to determine a man's power is through is career and earnings.
Like most women, you're ability to feel safe, secure and even loved come a lot from your partner's power. If you don't see this power in him, you can't feel those things, and hence, the attraction isn't there. I believe that everyone should strive to have what they want in their lives and right up at the top is love.
Now, here's the bad news:
As time goes along, men (and woman too) continue to earn more and gain more power. Unfortunately, as time goes along, your looks will begin to fade. That's a cold, hard reality. In effect, while men's stock continues to rise, women's continue to fall.
I would hope that men would understand that looks make be the first reason they're attracted to particular women, there are many other things that are important and while looks fade, the others don't. Likewise, I'd hope that women look at a man from the potential to give her what she needs in many ways - not just financial - as even this can go away. Ultimately that's why we form "partnerships" - to be able to pick up where our partner falls off - and this is never a balanced bottom line.
In order to put this into better perspective, I wrote a software tool called the "Rating Instrument" that's available for free on my website. It gives people a chance to "rate" potential partners in many different aspects (as determined by their goals). It works for both men and women using different criteria. You might want to get a copy and run your boyfriend through it to see just how he fits. I think you'll be surprised.
So, here's the end-game: this guy doesn't seem like a good match for you as you're no longer attracted to him and I think you should move on. However, if you make a man's finances your primary (or even secondary) focus, you're missing the boat and will look back years from now regretting your decision.
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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