Friday, February 2, 2007

My Boyfriend is a Loser!


My Boyfriend is a Loser!


I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 26, we've been going together for 7 years, but quite honestly the last few years have not been good and this summer I really started distancing myself from him.

I have my own apartment, job and car, pay all my own bills, etc. he on the other hand still lives at home with his mom!! He is very irresponsible and I am just getting turned off by the whole situation. He barely works maybe only about 20 hours a week and that's being generous, he usually only works 10 or 15 hours a week. He doesn't give his mom any money to help out with bills, and whenever he needs money his mom gives it to him.

In the past he would ask me for money and I would give it to him, but over the last year when he asks I tell him I don't have it. I feel that if I can go to work everyday and support myself then so can he. He is very irresponsible and unorganized you have to constantly remind him to do things like he's a child and it's really starting to take its toll on me. The past few months have been pretty bad, we constantly argue (mostly about his work ethics and being irresponsible and lazy) and lately I just don't even like being around him.

He always makes excuses as to why he can't find a job. One excuse was because he didn't have a car. So I purchased a new car and instead of trading in my old car I told him he could drive it all he had to do was get his own insurance and keep the oil changed. He couldn't even do that.

At one point we were talking about moving in together. At the time my lease was up and we still were trying to decide what we were going to do, so I didn't renew my lease and went on a month to month lease. Since I wasn't under a contract I had to pay an additional $50.00 dollars per month and he said he would pay it. Needless to say I never received one payment.

We have talked about getting married but I don't want to marry him because he really doesn't have anything to offer. I give him leads on jobs and he never follows up I give him applications and he never fills them out.

Every time I make comments about him finding a job or his finances he says I think I'm better so now I don't even say anything.

I really don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel like dating other people because I'm tired of having to pay for everything when we go out or not even going out at all because he never has any money.

Please Help!!!!

Hello!

Welcome to the "other side".

Men face this problem quite often. Not so much where women are just plain lazy, but in fact, men end up paying 74% of all dating costs and around 62% of costs in the marriage and let's not even talk about divorce! Men have to make the decision as to whether it's a reasonable financial decision to date any woman.

Relationships are not built on a balance sheet. If you spend your time looking for men that can support you financially, you may find them, but in at least some cases, you'll give up something in return. It may be emotional, spiritual, physical or in some other way, but there's always a trade-off.

Now, with that said, they key aspect to your question comes in the fact that you are no longer attracted to him because of all of this.

This comes down to the most primitive needs we experience as men and women. It's a fact that men are mostly attracted to women because of your looks and women are mostly attracted to men because of our power. One of the easiest ways to determine a man's power is through is career and earnings.

Like most women, you're ability to feel safe, secure and even loved come a lot from your partner's power. If you don't see this power in him, you can't feel those things, and hence, the attraction isn't there. I believe that everyone should strive to have what they want in their lives and right up at the top is love.

Now, here's the bad news:

As time goes along, men (and woman too) continue to earn more and gain more power. Unfortunately, as time goes along, your looks will begin to fade. That's a cold, hard reality. In effect, while men's stock continues to rise, women's continue to fall.

I would hope that men would understand that looks make be the first reason they're attracted to particular women, there are many other things that are important and while looks fade, the others don't. Likewise, I'd hope that women look at a man from the potential to give her what she needs in many ways - not just financial - as even this can go away. Ultimately that's why we form "partnerships" - to be able to pick up where our partner falls off - and this is never a balanced bottom line.

In order to put this into better perspective, I wrote a software tool called the "Rating Instrument" that's available for free on my website. It gives people a chance to "rate" potential partners in many different aspects (as determined by their goals). It works for both men and women using different criteria. You might want to get a copy and run your boyfriend through it to see just how he fits. I think you'll be surprised.

So, here's the end-game: this guy doesn't seem like a good match for you as you're no longer attracted to him and I think you should move on. However, if you make a man's finances your primary (or even secondary) focus, you're missing the boat and will look back years from now regretting your decision.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

23 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I'm not buying this doctor's response. I feel like he ignored the issue of motivation and being in a 50/50 relationship. It sounds like this man is depending on two women to take care of the details in his life, his mother and his girlfriend. Love and companionship should be number one on the list but if you are so busy trying to take care of both of you in this world, when do you have time to enjoy it?

Sarah said...
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MMR said...

Sounds like you need a Magic Memory Rock!

John said...

The average 26-year old boy is not a grown up and is not ready to act like one. Sorry if you don't like to hear that women, but it's the truth. You will most likely have to date an older man to find what you're looking for.

Guys have to sacrifice a lot to become responsible and eventually get married. To take on all that responsibility and risk you're asking for is not easy. Risk being that if you leave him you will financially ruin him, if you stay together and don't treat him well then he is miserable for the rest of his life. That level of sacrifice and maturity is too much to ask of the average 26-year old. If divorce law was more fair to men and if women were not in the process of overtaking men in academia and the workplace things might be different.

Now that women have been liberated and are much more independent and self-sufficient you need to throw out all the ideas of the past. Boys are not going to rush into being men and they're going to be leery about settling down. Women are going to have to face the facts that there were consequences to their liberation. The more independent women become the harder it is for young men to offer them what they previously needed.

You would have to be blind not to see that the 26-year old boy being described in this letter is hurt and discouraged by the fact that his girlfiend is making more money than he is.

Nicole Rasmussen said...

I think that if she is thinking about marrying this guy, she needs to start thinking about what is most important to her. If she is looking for someone to take care of her, she needs to get rid of her bf and go find herself a more established man.. Even though I think that she needs to give her boyfriend a chance to become independent and established. There is no such thing as an overnight success, and she is being a little unrealistic with her demands. This guy could be a great guy, and seriously...our grandmothers weren't out there burning their bras for their granddaughters to maintain the status quo. No sympathy for the g/f in my opinion.

Sara said...

I think that none of you actually know what you're talking about. She is being completely reasonable and until you're in that position you shouldn't be telling her what's wrong or right or how you think she's being unreasonable. I'm in the same position- my boyfriend is turning 26 this year with no job (I've been supporting him for at least 1 and 1/2 years), he lives with his mom, he doesn't have a driver's license or car and sits at home all day playing Xbox. I work 9-5 everyday and when we go out I pay for everything! Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy...he would walk across water for me, but at the end of the day- that's not enough! You need to grow together as a couple. If you can't share the same experiences (hardships and joys) then you need to move on. Your relationship becomes a couch...he's comfortable while you're the cushion! It hurts but letting go now is better than letting go in 10 years time.

leah said...

Sara, I feel like we are living the exact same life.. except I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Did you end up leaving yours?

Rem said...

I feel like I have a similar situation going on with my bf. We have been dating a year and a half, graduating college last May 2009. I have been working as a full time RN and he has been unable to find work. He has since stopped looking for jobs, every application and job lead I have given him have never been addressed. He is studying for his MCATS but has not yet made a test date, even though he said he was going to everyday this past month. I don't know if he is just unsure of what he wants to do, so he is doing nothing. But i cannot watch him rot on the couch in his parents home. Im not asking him to get a six figure job,I just want him to see his own self worth and WANT to improve his life for himself which would obviously improve our relationship. I love him, we have no problems other than this major one, and I am so sad about this situation. I am going to ask him to take a break so he can take some breathing room and evaluate what and why he has no motivation. This is so difficult but I don't want to continue getting commited if he cant get his s*** together.

jade said...

What a terribly stupid and slightly sexist reply. Women are meant to just deal with it, because we're getting old? Thats rubbish. The fact is, no one should be paying for anything all the time, there should be equality yes. However, what people forget about feminism and the movement is that women didnt go through all of that in the past so we could work, pay for stuff, look after kids and clean (which in reality is what we seem to be doing these days). They did this just hoping to have rights like the vote and equal pay... no one said once we have that equal pay we don't appreciate chivalry or being treated kindly. I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend of a year hasn't worked, gone to university or even moved from his room. I've bveen balancing university, work and paying for both of us on my minimum-wage part-time salary, and now im in overdraft. I told him at the start i didnt want a loser. But, with my allowances and exceedingly brilliant patience, he's still around and got worse. I didnt get a birthday present, a christmas present, we didnt do anything on valentines and my next birthday is coming up and quite frankly, im not looking foward to it.

I always think of it like this- if i were to meet him now and pick him up at a bar/ just meet him, would i be impressed? probably not. would i go near him? probably not... whilst i speculate all this, i've not got the motivation to leave him. I have no idea why, because this isn't my ideal anything. Is this what you dreamed of in a man? If it isn't, summon the courage for me, well, yourself. You deserve better.

Liliana said...

I AM going through the same hell and i only been with my bf for 2 years, i wanna start saving for a place of my own.. I can't do this anymore!!!!

Magdlene Roberts said...

me too...and I always wondering why can't he get a job?? my boyfriend just turned 30 this year, since he stopped his part time job which 4-5 months ago, he has no interest to earn money. All he does everyday, computer game, online gaming, gym and it continuously...He can easily become gym trainer or underwear model, but no. lazy ass! He did mention about marriage but I cannot see the future with him. Nowadays men are hopeless...the good one with career are gay, the real man=lazy ass!

JennyBenny318 said...

Sounds like you don't love him at all! So what if he has nothing to offer if you want to marry him! If you love him, you'll marry him! So what if he still lives at home! It's cheaper! My boyfriend still lives with his mom and I'm not complaining! I live with them both.
You just sound like a selfish bitch!

JennyBenny318 said...

Also would like to add, I don't work and my boyfriend doesn't work either. Just our own businesses. But it's hard to find work right now. My boyfriend drives, but I don't because I have a learning disability. I can never pass the written and I always study hard. I think it's the way the wording is different on the test. So I can never pass.

JennyBenny318 said...

Sounds like you don't love him at all! So what if he has nothing to offer if you want to marry him! If you love him, you'll marry him! So what if he still lives at home! It's cheaper! My boyfriend still lives with his mom and I'm not complaining! I live with them both.
You just sound like a selfish bitch!

Naked Feet said...

This "doctor" sounds like he didn't read your question. . . and the "facts" he stated have no ground, no citation, and no logic.

It is obvious, that you are not concerned with being supported financially. The issue as I read it is that your boyfriend lacks motivation, passion, and the foresight to properly provide for himself, let alone you.

Sometimes even though a "man" is 26, he is still a 17 year old who needs his mom to pay his phone bill.

Anna Juliet said...

who is the chauvenistic relic responding to the lady's letter? Still living in the last century? Red flag number one: Boy who still lives with and off his mum, does not qualify as man. Woman's looks fade? We do not go bald or tend to gain a paunch. Check your mirror Sir. I would not date a man only interested in my looks. Nor a man who is feeding off me financially or any other way, any more than a man who thinks he can buy me. You want a guy who is your equal and treats you with respect. As for the loser boyfriend... Woman to woman, Dump the chump. You knew that already I'm sure.

iVee NYC said...

It is very easy for anyone to judge someone elses relationship. If she didnt love him she wouldnt have tolerated him for this long. But just like in any relationship someone always grows tired of dealing with the same issues. She has every right to think about her future. They both are pushing 30. The decisions they make now will affect the next 10 yrs of their life. Using the excuse he is 26yrs old and to young to expect much from is just ridiculous. He needs to grow up. Shame on his mother for allowing her son to be such a loser. There is nothing wrong with living at home at any age. Sometimes one has to if that is the only option they have. But the goal shouldnt be to remain there. Everyone gets in financial binds. But to live at home and do absolutely nothing to change any situation is more than just a red flag. Its just a perfect reason to leave him. You are absolutely valid with wanting more from your relationship. Money isnt the answer to everything but when there is nothing else being offered as a trade off what is the point in remaining in it? Looks have nothing to do with this. Shes 27 not 47. Love has nothing to do with this because there is no real cause or reason to fight for it. If he was just going through a rough patch then this would be an entirely different situation. You leaving him then would be totally wrong. But that is not the case. So let him go girl and go about living your life the way YOU want to.

Nadia Akhtarshenas said...
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Nadia Akhtarshenas said...
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mixedqt86 said...

How is she being selfish?? She wants him to pull his own weight and there's nothin wrong wit that. The living part doesn't bother me but not doing anythin wit ur life is totally different and the way u say it, u sond like a bum urself

Julie Warner said...
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Jewels said...
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Jewels said...

Wow what a terrible response! I hope nobody takes this advice seriously.

First, I'd like to know where he got his numbers from on the "men always support women in marriage more" claim. (Even if these are real numbers, I can counter with a real number of my own: women still make roughly 77 cents per dollar that men make for the same job. So maybe that's why men are picking up the slack? Give us equal pay and maybe we can carry an equal financial burden. Just saying. Second, many women are still forced to choose between their careers and staying at home to raise children. You hear the occasional odd story about a man staying at home with the kids, but usually it's the woman. If the man decides to be the primary money earner of the household and our society continues to hold on to its Patriarchal obsession with traditional gender roles, then it stands to reason that the man will have to spend more money on his family since he's the one able to earn money. This girl's problems and "oh poor men in general" problems - apples and oranges, ok?)

Second, this "your looks will fade so marry anybody! Marry anybody RIGHT NOW" ploy is just about one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Hey guess what? My grandma is in her late 80's and she's been married three times! She had the misfortune of being twice widowed and so she has had three husbands. Her second husband she married in her 60's. Her third and current husband she married when she was in her late 70's. They're in their late 80's now and he loves her and has taken care of her through five strokes. That's love. That's commitment. That is the kind of marriage we should all aspire to. And whoa hey guess what?! She wasn't a 20 something mylooksareallthatmatter bikini model when they met! She was 70!! Go figure!! Hey women, guess what? This quack is wrong! Men can still love you when you're "old and ugly." So don't settle if you're unhappy and if you see some red flags then stop to think if this is right for you. Don't get pressured into marrying someone because some hack pulled out some antiquated advice from the 50's. Seriously, man. Really??